Want to be Married to Christian Grey – It Could be Something Like This…

“…ANASTASIA: Mr Grey, is that a Barbie up my butt? Christian: Oops, wrong playroom… and other things you might hear in Christian Grey’s household after a few years of marriage and a couple of children…” (For any mom who’s read any or all of the series. And I promise, No spoilers!)

Okay, I’m officially on the bandwagon. You moms with all of your oohing and ahhhing, and “Oh, Mr. Grey-ing.” Your running to the nearest Pleasure Chest Sex Emporium, and your, “My laundry and dishes are piling up because I can’t put these books down,” have gotten me to read the Fifty Shades series. 



So, what is it about these books that have moms devouring them like left over fries on their child’s plate?

Well, here’s what I’ve come up with so far: It makes me giggle when someone calls their vagina their “sex.” I find the sound of ripping foil oddly erotic. And Christian has made millions of women across the world, myself included, rethink our marraiges, and wonder why our hubbies can’t be more attentive, loving, obsessed, and well, “Christian-esque.”

So, what’s the deal? Why can’t our hubby’s be more like Christian Grey?

Because like “Twilight’s” Edward Cullen (who the character is based on) – hot young vampires and hot young billionaires that barely work, have erotic sex, lavish you with expensive goodies, and make sure you’re never cold, hungry, or un-swathed in designer duds – don’t exist.

But if they did, would we want them? I wonder what it’d with a Christian Grey-esque man after a few years of marriage and a couple of children?

Hmmm? (Imagine squiggly lines in your mind, to indicate a dream sequence):

CHRISTIAN: Ohh, Mrs. Grey, stop biting that lower lip or I’ll take you here in the breakfast nook!

ANASTASIA: Um, Mr. Grey, it would behoove you to wait until the children are done with their Cheerios. It might be a bit awkward and messy with them around. Plus, you’re starting to creep me out.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, don’t worry about the mess, Mrs. Grey., Ms. Jones will tend to it.

ANASTASIA: Which reminds me, Mr. Grey, please ask Ms. Jones to stop sterilizing the butt plugs with the bottle nipples.

.
CHRISTIAN: Oh Anastasia, that Chanel suit, is a miracle on you. Is that spit up on the lapel? Please, allow me to lick it off.

ANASTASIA: Umm, Mr. Grey that’s disgusting. Might I write up a contract in which you agree to never say that again?

ANASTASIA: Mr Grey, could you please release these nipple clamps? I’m trying to breast feed here.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, children, I was adopted. My birth mother was a dirty crack whore. Do you want to hear the story of how they found me, again? Ahh, how a decade of therapy has allowed me to speak freely. Thank you Dr. Flynn.

CHRISTIAN: Little Anna, you want your Mommy? Well, mommy can’t come in right now she’s a bit tied up at the moment.

ANASTASIA: Is that a Barbie up my butt?

CHRISTIAN: Oops, wrong playroom.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, wee Christian, another nightmare? Don’t worry, I’m an expert on nightmares. I used to have them every night about the crack whore. You know, grandma? Would you like to touch my burn scars?

ANASTASIA: Mr. Grey, would you consider buying a new pair of jeans? Those have seen better days. Plus, the spare tire you’ve acquired hangs over them like a girly muffin top.

CHRISTIAN: With the time I spend on the kids’ activities, making odd mixes on my iPod, and running the world’s most successful company, I don’t have the hours I once did to work out, my sweet, sweet love. Let us shower together and reflect upon it. I want to wash your hair and bury my face in it. Oh, how I will never stop loving you.

ANASTASIA: Ummm, yeah, I already showered. I have to get our kids bathed and ready for bed, but while we’re on the subject, could you switch to another body wash? I mean you’ve been using that one for like a decade, a change would be refreshing. Maybe try Axe, I hear good things.

CHRISTIAN: Of course, anything for you. Want to sell a house and buy a new one?

ANASTASIA: No, I’m good.

CHRISTIAN: Oh Ana, who I will never stop loving, I will have you cut my hair after you’re done with the kid’s bathing ritual.

ANASTASIA: Christian, it’s not like there’s much left to cut. Just set the electric razor on the first setting, like I showed you, and go over your horseshoe.

CHRISTIAN: Oh my Ana, who is mine and only mine. I would prefer you not go to the PTA meeting this evening. I don’t know who will be lurking there.

ANASTASIA: Moms.

CHRISTIAN: Moms can be unseemly. My own mom was a crack whore, have I mentioned that? I’ll have security accompany you, and taste any goods you buy from the bake sale.

ANASTASIA: That won’t be necessary. I hate how you smother me, my fifty.

INNER GODDESS: (who hasn’t done a triple Lutz in years) Yeah, that trick got old fast.

SUBCONSCIOUS: I can’t even bring myself to say, ‘I told you so,’ again. I’ll just reread Little Women.

ANASTASIA: NOOOOO! not the voices again. Shut up you stupid voices, it’s been 10 years, why don’t you leave me alone?

SUBCONSCIOUS: Paging Dr. Flynn.

CHRISTIAN: Little Christian got a B on his report card? Unacceptable, I have mind enough to put him over my knee… and then I will do the same to you when I’m done. My palm is twitchy.

ANASTASIA: Can we please add those phrases to the contract? You know, the things you’ll never say again? Also, you should know I’m considering a restraining order.

CHRISTIAN: Oh Ana, don’t say things like that. You know I would never part with you or the children, EVER. Only in death. No, even then, I will make sure you’ve all eaten 3 square meals and are warm enough. Taylor, be prepared for plan C.

ANASTASIA: What?

CHRISTIAN: Nothing.

You know, on second thought, having our own Christian Grey’s might not be the answer. Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for. Why, just last week my hubby (working from home) got the kids dressed, fed them breakfast, made their lunches and got them off to school. I may have even heard a “don’t ask mommy, she’s sleeping.” After a decade of marriage, that may be close enough.

Pass it on to all the other Fifty Shades fans, um like every woman you know…

79 thoughts on “Want to be Married to Christian Grey – It Could be Something Like This…”

  4. Miss Vain's Paranormal Fantasy

    Hi Jenny

    Hahaha!!!!!! I <3 Christian Grey sooooooo much! Yes he would be my ideal husband, however this hilarious dialogue leaves me questioning that!;)

    Thank you for sharing this!
    I’m adding your blog to my feedburner just because you’re a Fifty Shades fan just like me!
    I loved it.

  5. Jenny from the blog

    Thx. As one reader put it. It puts things into perspective. I think I’d be ready to strangle “married with children Christian.” phew I can stop resenting my hubby so much. Lol

  7. Leslie t

    I’m obsessed with the books and I keep reading these stupid articles telling me why. Telling me it’s mommy porn. Finally an article worth reading!!!

  9. Trish

    I am the same. Love the books, almost finished with Darker. Love Christian, but am glad I read your blog….puts it into perspective. I have to keep reminding myself that Christian IS NOT REAL!! What a fantasy though…

  14. Elaine-

    haha, you made me laugh out loud, i haven’t even heard of those books till now, but have read romance novels, purely for research purposes of course, so that i could try writing them 🙂 but Lord i know what you mean, i am grateful that my husband mostly stares slack jawed at the tv, coz otherwise i would be all ‘GET OFF ME’ lol ‘SEX IS BORING’ 🙂

  15. Rachel

    While currently smitten with Christian at the moment — this post brought me back to reality. I may tack it up over my desk —

  16. Melanie

    The absolute funniest blog I’ve read yet. I am obsessed with the books!!! But this had me in tears!!! Thanks Jenny!

  17. Sara

    I haven’t read the books but I did read the fanfiction before she published. This is hilarious! Good perspective on an impossible fantasy.

  18. melissa

    your version is far better than the one i started reading. hurry up with book 2, the golden years of 50 shades of gray…or bald.

  20. Dani

    Fifty presented the same fantasy obsession issue I had years ago with Twilight, only this time it seemed a little more (((clears throat))) intense. Wow, the perspective gleaned from this blog post is, frankly, overwhelming. I’m feeling a little smitten with Christian these days and extremely resentful that my playroom is instead filled with Transformers and Hot Wheels, so it’s refreshing to grab a deep breath and a slap back into the face of normality. Well played, girlfriend, well played.

  21. Jenny from the blog Post author

    Thank you Dani- I wrote this article for my own sanity as much as I did for others like you! It’s hard to not daydream of Edward, I mean Christian, I mean Brad Pitt, I mean George Clooney, I mean… shit where was I?

  23. StepMother

    Oh Jenny, thank you SO much for this much needed perspective! I am getting married in 7 weeks and was so desolate after devouring all three books in a day and a half, wondering why I wasn’t marrying someone more Christian-esque! I loved Twilight as much as the next girl, but my addiction and obsession with this is so overwhelming it’s actually a little scary! So glad to know I am not alone!!! I ALMOST wish I’d never read them now… hopefully I will get over it eventually! 🙂

  24. dmacg

    Thank you for writing this, I laughed so hard I spit out the water I was drinking.! I also found myself thinking about how things would be for them when they got older. You are brilliant!

  25. Lindsey Cowan

    That was flipping HYSTERICAL! Thank you for the much needed laugh. I am entirely too into these books. Yes, dishes piled up.. where is that Ms. Jones when you need her. Damn.

  26. Skyemackenzie

    I just can’t seem to get enough of Fifty Shades. Reaching the last sentence of book 3 was depressing, a bit of postpartum blue. Knowing I had nothing more to wake up to was anti-climatic. Jenny from the blog, please continue with new material. xoxo

  27. mom23boys965

    Ok I needed that more than I can say. I finished the series this weekend and since book 2 I have been irritated with my loving husband. He has asked me over and over am I mad at him and even at work people have been asking what is wrong. These books have consumed me and as I get my home back in order after the neglect I have caused it over reading these books it was making wish for Mr. Grey and Ms. Jones even more. My inner Goddess has been dieing for a triple lutz for some time now and I found it in trilogy of all places. That I will never let go, but perspective is something I need to hold on to as well.

  28. mara

    That’s probably the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. You forgot the line in the 3rd book where he actually says, in the epilogue, that he LIKES THE TASTE OF BREAST MILK. EWWWWWW.

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    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Thanks ladies. You know, we all deal with obsession anyway we know how. I tried binging, drugs, and of course being a ho, but humor seems to work best… well, it has the least side effects!

  31. Pingback: I Cheated on My Husband with Christian Grey | Jenny From the Blog

  33. Courtney

    This was Grrrrrrreat! I haven’t laughed this hard in so long. The script was spot on character 🙂

  34. Pingback: Fifty Shades / Christian Grey Ecards – Ecards of the week | Jenny From the Blog

  35. Caspers_wench

    I haven’t read the books, but suspect I am going to have to break down and read them soon. As a married (submissive) mom of three, it would be interesting to see what all the hype is about and if it is anything like our real life relationship.
    We don’t have a contract in place, but there are definitely things we have had to let go of since having children….

  36. Michelle

    Ooh no! Mara’s comment is a *SPOILER* – Please take it down….
    I have only read first 2 books and that comment just gives away what’s in the third.
    Thank you x

  38. Caspers_wench

    OK….I read book one. Very HOT! Some of it is very real, some not so much. I like the contract….I really like his playroom….not possible with kids in the house, but….OMG. I am blessed, I feel like I have the relationship she is wanting. I definitely have the more….
    Not sure if I can wait till I get to town for the other books, thinking I am going to Kindle them.

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  40. fiftyshadesobsessed

    Your blogs are hilarious… this one in particular i have to read every time I feel like I am slipping (seriously…) back into Christian withdrawal.

  41. Taylor

    I will admit that I’ve become almost depressed that my life isn’t like this book. I am so glad I read this blog, because repeating the mantra ”it’s just a book, it’s not real” is not working! Though sometimes I wonder about the more ‘awkward’ parts of living together. Does Ana ever go to the bathroom?? It’s just wake up, work, forced eating, sex, sleep. Sometimes that helps to put it in perspective. Please keep up the blogging, this blog was hilarious!!!

  42. Jen

    LOVE THIS! I’ve only read the first book and thought I was the only person in the world who hated it. I won’t be reading the others. “Oh my.” What crap. On the other hand, I will be back to read you. So happy to see someone make fun of it.

  43. DG

    whoa! Holy crap! I am totally utterly and smitten crazy with this novel! still overwhelmed by the fifty shades and cant stop fuck craving to reread the 3 series again.. am i that obsessed? ohh I LOVE this book! glad we AIM to please..

    Greys fifty shades club x

  44. LovesToSub

    If Christian turned into a Pu##y like the character in this blog post, then Ana would find a new Dom….just sayin.

  45. Caspers_wench

    @LovesToSub yeah, I kinda thought that a little bit, but then she was never a TRUE sub either….they are more into the kinky than the actual power exchange you know? And when you add kids to the mix that changes things big time anyway.

  46. Pingback: Christian Grey Fifty Shades Ecards Part II - 50 Shades in the Future... | The Suburban Jungle

  47. Tanya

    I am so glad I am not the only one feeling depressed that Christian is not real and because my life isn’t like this! I am so obsessed that it’s unnerving…I actually cried at the end of the third book because there is not a fourth. Thank you for making a joke out of it! It makes me feel better and a little less strange!

  48. kcole

    I agree because i too was obsessed but this blog is funny and made me laugh…however i think i still need more help to get it off my mind

  49. Laura

    It makes me laugh that people treat this as a fantasy. My Ex was a real life Christian Grey and it ended with him violently assaulting me. Perhaps I should have written this book, at least the ending would have been more realistic. For some with their normal partners this is just fantasy, however, for others, myself included, this really happened but without the happy ending. If you had a real life Christian Grey you would be scared to be alone with him and that is the truth of it.

    1. Caspers_wench

      There is a difference between a Dominant and a controlling jerk. A good Dom is ever watchful and caring about how it is affecting his partner and has tight control over himself. It is not just a fantasy to some, and within that practice it is not abusive. Our marriage is a bit different, but I would argue with you that in many cases ours is deeper, our commitment on more than one level and the layers of foundation we have laid have brought us to where we are.

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  51. catheriam

    Mildly curious, I originally put the first book on reserve at local Midwestern library and found, to my shock, I was 68th on the list. Wassup? So I hied off to local Barnes and Noble and on a sweltering summer’s day, this former Seattle gal and major fan of “The Story of O” gal settled down, not expecting much. And darn it, I could not put the damn thing down! Finished second, and, sigh, will opt for third. Major whine: What Is Up With the “Smirk”? They fuck, sure, like bonking mad bunnies, but boy do these two smirk! Smirk, smirk smirk! I went to the mirror, smirked, and am frankly befuddled. NOT attractive! Ana seems mature beyond her years one minute (I mean, she knows her Thomas Hardy) and a pain in the ass (pardon me) whiny tweeny bopper the next. Forget Christian (all Fifty of him), SHE’s the “fantasy”. Hey, here’s a thought. How about the story turned on its head (a position I am still waiting to read in detail) Could it work if the gender roles were reversed? Swing that parody around the block for us, puh-leeze. Meteorological fantasy alert: It RAINS in Seattle, people! Really, really rains, all the time! Have not read third book but nary an umbrella do I recall in first two. (And, shudder, Mrs Jones serves wine “pulled from icebox”with coq au vin”. Please, a soupcon of culinary class …)

    1. Caspers_wench

      yes, this in no way begins to compare to “The Story of O”
      I think she seems like a lot of young twenties….I am not sure I buy that he is not quite 30.

    2. Jenny from the blog Post author

      They’re both the fantasy! If I reparody it would just feed into everyone’s reasoning as to why guys get sick of women. Aging… loss of sex drive, unwillingness to give a BJ, LOL. I wouldn’t do that to the ladies. No, I prefer to see him with the horseshoe of hair loss :).

    3. Louise

      You are hysterical. Thanks for giving me something to laugh about. I so enjoyed it. You should consider writing a book.

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  53. Mindi Davis

    Oh Jenny!

    The writer in me thought, “Why in the hell am I reading this crap?” The bored housewife in me shouted, “Shut up! You know why.”

    After seeing my neighbor with all three books on her kitchen counter, heard my pilates instructor mention it in passing, and found a crowd of women browsing through it at Barnes & Nobel, I downloaded the series on my Kindle. Yes I’m too chicken shit to buy a hard copy (no pun intended).

    Troubling nightmares of Mark Zuckerberg in a gray tie. 21 year old college educated virgin must be the love child of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Random thought: What colors to butt plugs come in?? Why does my 13 year old know 50 Shades is the product of Twilight fan fiction and I didn’t know she knew the series existed?

    The Apex of my thighs? I have sex not Algebra. How many times do I have to read the imaginary sound of a condom wrapper ripping? Confused at times. Who’s coming? Are they pre/post coital? Is it morning, noon, or night and at which location? They make rabbits appear celebate. I can’t take it! I want to delete the trash, but can’t. I’m too OC to stop reading before I finish all three books.

    Update: Hubs and I purchased a $5K vibrating adjustable bed (Hospital bed Hugh Hefner style). I am repurposing Hub’s ties into bondage toys, but concluded ceiling could not support the weight of DIY sex swing. Promised our Jack Russell I would not convert his KONG toy into a ball gag.

    Good, Bad, and Ugly this series is making a difference in bedrooms around the world.

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Hilarious> I couldn’t agree more. In the beginning it’s sooo tough to read,so poorly written and then before you know it — it’s *smirks* *sighs* “laters baby”

      By the way I think, black, pink and yellow, butt I mean but, don’t hold me to it, I haven’t purchased one –or a vibrating bed for that matter. I’ll just hope the dog gets fleas and does the leg itching ear thing, it’s so much cheaper.

  54. Nikki Noffsinger

    I think I just laughed until I cried. A dear friend sent me the books. I hadn’t planned on reading them. I read all three and found them lacking and how the woman didn’t get sued for some sort of plagiarism is beyond me. My friend sent me Bared to You By Sylvia Day and I have to say, although its basically the same format as Fifty-it was a much better read.

  56. Louise Rohan

    You are a truly gifted and completely hysterical woman. Thank you for making my day. Can’t wait to return for more. Sincerely, Blessings to you and yours.

  57. Carol

    Hysterical!! I laughed until I cried! Of course, all that baby care and taking the kids to soccer practice would be taken care of by Mrs. Jones and Taylor! And Taylor’s daughter would babysit.

    That said, I read all three books in about a week. Yes, the writing is poor, they smirk way too often, but I think it’s a good story that develops through the three books. And I must admit I got a serious “clench down there” when my husband (who has started reading the books too) sent me an email “Certainly, Ms. M”! To me, the sexy parts aren’t necessarily the spanking, etc., (The tie has possibilities, however) but the conversations by email and in person that promise a good time later.

    BTW, I read Bared to You after I read 50 shades, and although the writing was better, it was so much like the 50 shades books that I couldn’t resist writing a list of how the two were similar! Stopped at a page and a half!

  58. Mel

    I was laughing hysterically throughout reading this. SO FREAKING PERFECTLY FUNNY! Thank you for somewhat settling the psychosis i was suffering, obsessing over this fictional character and where I was going to find him… Also, your husband sounds like an amazing catch 😉 thanks much for the great laugh

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Glad I could be of service Mel. When my husband isn’t pulling his weight, I too come back to this post and then rock in the corner while repeating, “perspective, perspective, perspective.”

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