Dear Mickey:
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think we need to take a break. Sure, I love the way you and your friends with oversized heads eat breakfast with my family and entertain us with your theme parks, but you ask for so much in return.
I pay a near fortune to see you, then you woo my daughter into expensive princess attire and offer pricey oversized turkey legs, costly Pooh shaped popsicles, and expensive embroidered hats with ears… that don’t really translate in the real world. I’m sorry, that sounded like I was blaming you for the economy. I’m sure you and Minnie have a ton of Disney stock options, so I know you’re feelin’ it as well.
According to the latest statistics, me and 1/3 of other American families are cancelling trips this summer and taking a “stay-cation” instead. I know you’re angry. The last time you waved at me and said, “See ya real soon,” you thought it would be sooner. I’m thankful you only have 4 fingers, because I know what you’d be waving at me now.
This summer, like most Americans, I will be visiting (Chez Pa Tio). I will take a portion of the money I’m saving and recreate much of the awe and wonder you provide, without ever leaving town.
I will save $60 on those mandatory Mickey mist sprayers, and have my family stand in the general vicinity of wet neighborhood dogs when they shake. Each night my husband and I will wrap ourselves in twinkle lights, and then we’ll run by the kids really fast and call it Space Mountain. Then we’ll slow down and call it the Light Parade. Who knows, we could wear them to bed and call it Pleasure Island.
I will cook pancakes in your likeness. Then I’ll have my neighbor with an abnormally large head come over and eat them with us. I’m sure my family will be none the wiser, as his head is really big. Have a great summer now, ya hear.
Sincerely,
Jenny from the Blog
This was written for the new site saleHOP.com. I am now the feature writer for this awesome site. Wahoo! Here is a little info on it so you can be one of the first “in the know.”
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This was great. I guess that means I don’t have to take you and the kids to Disney this year…whew. I thought I was going to be out all that money again. Really thought this was cute. You can always bring them over my house and I’ll spray them and we can pretend we are at the water park.
My kids have never been to Disney Land/World. Actually, they have never been out of the house; how else am I gonna pay to get my hair and nails did?
the best way i know of to acquire one of those abnormally large heads is to become anorexic, which, if you think about it, I think both Mickey and Minnie are promoting as well. Another good reason to avoid them!
Seeing how i live in Orlando, Disney and Universal are on my stay-cation plans – but being a local, my cost is the begging of one of the employees to get my family in for free, feed my boys a huge breakfast in hopes they don’t ask for any other food and tell them Wal-Mart in Kissimmee sells the same Goofy hat for half off the Disney prices. Don’t be jealous, move to Orlando instead!
Jenny,
If you like we can decorate our boat with lights and wear big mouse ears. That way you can tell the kids you’re all going on a Disney Cruise. We’ll leave the lights set up until Christmas for the annual boat parade only we’ll tell them it’s a Chanukah festival…little will they know.
Disney is not affordable on any day, on any planet. Good grief!! Well put 🙂
jenny, i’m glad you have come to your senses and sworn of that mouse! even as a cartoon character, the mouse hasn’t done anything new, what in maybe 50 years! and that mouse wasn’t even funny. bugs bunny blows him away!
who need the high prices to get in the park, the high prices of food and merchandise? if i want to be in a crowd or on long lines, for a fraction of the price, i can get on the subway! and, you’re right — their marketing strategy is specifically focused on girls, age 1 to 17 (or until they learn to think for themselves and see they’re beeing duped!) mothers, don’t be fooled — save that money and send your girls to a good college!
i say women and girls (particularly) should rise up, think for themselves, see they are being duped, and swear off disney and their corporate symbol, the mouse!
(this message brought to you by women and girls united for a disney-free america)
Great post! You would think they would lower prices to get people in, not raise them. Ah, the evil empire.
And don’t forget all the checking at mousesavers.com in order to find extra discounts. I love disney, but for one, how many times can you go? And for two…..there are just so many disney buffets one can eat.
LOVED this post…don’t forget to write a P.S. that you did have to go out and buy outrageously expensive red pumps so you could be mistaken for Minnie…oh yeah..and that black patent leather purse too..!!
Jenny-
You are so hilarious. I LOVE this post! You hit the nail right on the head and I have to say, we’re in a bit of a Mickey moratorium round these parts too. We love Mickey too but have discovered an insider tip – go to Disneyworld on your birthday – you get in for free and they give you the ulitmate fast pass to cut the lines on all the popular rides. Heaven in a theme park.
Jenny, I think this reply was sent to me by mistake and was intended for you.
All the best, Hal
Dear Jenny,
Thank you for your kind letter. I am not in the least offended by it, except that you might think that I am the sort of mouse who would flip you off if I had a fifth digit. Walt (may his conservative sole rest in peace) made sure that that could never happen, not only by limiting my hand to three fingers and an opposable thumb (which real mice do not have) but by creating within me a loving, understanding and forgiving nature. It was my friend, Donald, to whom Mr. Disney applied the miscreant kind of attitude for which he has displayed a propensity. I mean, be honest with me, have you ever, in over 70 years (not to imply you are that old) seen me upset or angry, or in any other way having been shown by Mr. Disney to be anything less than a role model to little girls and boys all over the world? If you have, it was by pirates, impersonators, and frauds, but not by either Walt Disney or me. And if you feel like you are being lured into spending a lot of money on Disney products, blame that on a strong marketing department who is just trying to help a bunch of stockholders feel secure in a down market, but please don’t blame me.
But enough about Mickey. I understand that many people cannot afford the kinds of vacations this year that they had last year. We all have to do what we have to do. If we don’t see each other in another year or two, we can only hope that the worst case scenario of that is that we each grow a little older and a little wiser, and perhaps a bit more compassionate about the plight of others. I am sure there will be other visitors to Disney’s theme parks, and the one day everyone who owns Disney stock will see it bounce back. In the meantime, there are plenty better ways to spend your money and still make your children happy. And if they really need a yarmulke with ears, you can probably find my hats on EBay. And I’ll bet none of the food we prepare and sell is made with the same love and special tastes that can only be added at home on chez patio. So please stay at home and spend your money wisely; come back and see us when you can. You and your children must be your first priority and no matter what the people who dress up like us might encourage you to purchase, please remember that we cartoons are really your friends, and we really, really, really want to be there for you when this mess clears up.
See ya’ real soon, boys and girls.
I agree. It bums me out every time my BIL shows off the photos on the digital photo frame of their like 20 visits to Disneyland with their daughter meeting princess after princess. It’s totally given my daughter princess envy but guess what… we don’t make the same kind of money that uncle does so if we do get to take our kids… it will be one time. ONE. not multiple times to both disneyland and disney world.
gee.. I’ve just turned my comment into a rant… sorry about that. Obviously your post is too good! *L*
hilarious!
Too funny.
I learned the hard way. When ever I am in that souvenir/junk food/trinkets predicament, I give my kids each $40 and that is all they have to spend on that sort of stuff. You should see how they each weigh every purchase and decision now that it’s not a “free for all”. 🙂
I love stay-cations too!!
If Mickey did give you the finger, which one would he use? He doesn’t have a middle finger….
Sorry I got stuck on that.
Wow, I think these are the best comments ever! That is clearly because I have the wittiest most brilliant readers in the world. Even Mickey reads my blog, who knew? Mickey is funnier in writing than in person.
Actually Micky DOES have a middle finger–look at the photo, he has three fingers and a thumb.
http://www.vinylabuse.com/wp-content/uploads/hof_blog_tm49.jpg
But enough of that.
For a backyard water park, tie a garden hose up in a tree, pointing down in spray mode–then let the kids run back and forth under it. Get one of those sprinker hoses (with lots of holes punched in them) and snake that across the lawn to run thru. Go to goodwill and pick up a bunch of old bras–3 cups will make a Micky Yarmulke!
You are one brilliant funny lady! Congrats on the new gig, and I need bunk beds, livng & dinning room furniture, bookcases galore, a large screen tv with a Wii thing and a V-Tech play station because I’m MOVING out of my ex’s! While it’s been a hoot and a holler, I’m just moving from 909 named street to 1006, same street!
Maybe I splurge on early Mickey Christmas yard decorations — you know, the big blow up kind — and set them out in yard, put on my weddiing dress with an apron and wear a crown, and charge admission! We’ll have a blast in the neighborhood, no high priced junk to take home, and even do the light thing you talked about for the kids! What great ideas! Thanks.
Let me know what you hear on the items I’m hunting for… My budget? Under $250 for all!?! Thanks for keeping us laughing! And, again, kudos for the new assignment!
Keep up the great work!
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Yes, I’m just now getting around to reading this… moving a little slow lately. You’re funny! Congratulations on your gig. I’m going to check it out.
Loved what you said. So true. And my daughter and I are working on a staycation-vacation blog that we hope to launch this month. You have the right idea. Funny too.
I stumbled onto your blog and read a few post. I like your style of writing. Keep up the good work