21 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids To Stay Sane

21 lies moms tell

Last Sunday, as we drove home after a long baseball tournament in a heavy downpour, my kids suggested we continue this tedious day and go see a movie. Frankly, my eyes were closing just thinking about my cozy bed and if I wasn’t the one driving, I think I would’ve passed out cold.

Me: “Um, sorry guys that’s a great idea, but they don’t show movies after 8PM on Sundays. Maybe tomorrow.”

Yes, I’m always quick to throw out a creative, well placed lie. my daughter paused for a quick sec to access the statement, and confident in its validity, went back to whatever she was playing my iPhone. My son went back to his phone too. After a short pause, he said, “Yes, they do, there’s an 8:25.”

Damn you interwebs from ruining the only sanity saver I had left!

I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Moms lie! We do — and frankly a fast thinking fib can be the difference between a good night’s sleep and being sent to padded room. You see, mothers are a brilliantly dishonest bunch. And deception is one of the strongest tools in our arsenal (well, until your children figure out how to look things up on Google, that is).

Of course we fabricate things in different ways. There are the universal lies, which I laid out in my lists of “Momisms”, and there are the bold faced lies that are incredibly creative and will most definitely get us in trouble down the road. Though we’re willing to take that risk for a small reprieve in the moment!

Here are some bold faced lies moms tell their kids to save sanity, furniture, face, time, and money…Some are mine plus, the top lies from my Facebook Fans, who are clearly unscrupulous (and I love that about them).

1. They don’t give you ketchup at drive-thrus.

2. The lunch lady calls me when you don’t eat your sandwich.

3. The cat is allergic to Moon Sand, so we can’t have any in the house — for her safety.

4.  What you didn’t get money from the Tooth Fairy last night? That’s because she doesn’t work the 3rd Tuesday of every month. I should have told your. I’m sure she’ll come tonight.

5. If you don’t bathe, you’ll get a ticket. They have dogs that can sniff out dirty children.

6. Every time you cough and don’t cover your mouth, somewhere, a butterfly dies.

7. Harry Styles hates girls who don’t listen to their parents. Now, go brush your teeth and don’t forget to floss.

8. The restaurant I’m going to with Daddy doesn’t allow kids or we would totally take you … I think the waiters say inappropriate things.

9. Animals want to be eaten, it give them such joy to be chosen as your food. Here’s some chicken … go ahead make it happy.

10. Unicorns ARE real, but you only see one when you’re being really good. What, you haven’t seen any? Well, you have to be even better.

11. And of course the most universal (and ironic) Mom Lie: I’m your mother, I wouldn’t lie to you.

(Now for my corrupt, immoral FB fans …)

12. They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy. – Teresa

13. Babies come from the Internet. And that baby sister you wanted is on back-order. – Jennifer

14. Chuck E. Cheese’s is only for birthday parties; you have to be invited to one to go there. – Colleen

15. All grocery stores have a baby jail in the basement; they’ll lock you up if you don’t behave. – Desiree

16. The smoke detectors have cameras in them. How else could I have known you haven’t been reading your chapter book? – Kimberlie

17. No, this isn’t a brownie. It’s a breakfast bar and it has lots of protein and fiber and even spinach in it. Do you want one? – Foxy

18. There are no cartoons on at night because that’s when the characters sleep. – Laura

19. I always tell my 4-year-old son that signs in stores say things they really don’t. Like no running, no touching, no talking. I’m so screwed when he learns to read! – Susan

20. The stuffed animals will be lonely for their friends if we take them out of the store. – Kim

21. The ice cream man only plays that song when they’re out of ice cream. – Eva

7/16/14 – This summer I’m doing a humor series called: Jenny From the Bunk – I Followed My Kids to Camp, Now What? It should be hilarious or I may get eaten by a bear (either way, entertainment abound). To follow along, like the FACEBOOK PAGE — for extra credit, HOVER OVER THE “LIKED” BUTTON AND PUSH “GET NOTIFICATIONS”

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21 thoughts on “21 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids To Stay Sane

  1. Lindsey

    I love this! Since the day after Halloween I broke out the Santa threat and every time I catch my kids doing something bad I tell them Santa saw it. Whips em right back into shape 😉

  2. Renee

    I’m a terrible liar and also not that good at honesty. The other night my daughter asked me something, I don’t even know what, and I absently replied, “Oh, because Daddy hates sharing.” He was pissed, and so was she.

  3. Carpool Goddess

    Love #6! I used to tell my kids that I had to have the first bite of dessert to make sure it was fresh. They bought it hook, line and sinker…which explains so many things.

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  5. LizS

    I may have told my kids that instant pudding takes *hours* to make when they wanted some an hour before bedtime.

  6. Megan

    I tell my 3 yo that the candy at the grocery store checkout counter is grown-up candy that is very spicy and has coffee in it so it’s not for kids. Now whenever we check out she points to it and says very loudly, “Mommy! That’s GROWN-UP candy! It’s SPICY! I can’t eat that!” and the cashier and other people in line look at me funny. Some laugh because they know, others think I’m just mean. Either way, I’m not buying that candy!

  7. Dee

    I told my daughter when we moved into our house that the security system extended to the bedroom windows, and when the house was armed, if she opened the windows a really LOUD alarm would go off and wake everyone. She believed me. When she turned 19 I admitted it wasn’t true, but I figured she was old enough to have better sense than to climb out the window onto the tiny fake balcony. She immediately started sneaking out of the house at night through that window.

    Then I had to cut down the tree next to the window.

  8. renae

    We went to the circus one year and had a great time and the kids got to see a pregnant elephant. Well a year went by and it was time to go to the circus again and I really really didn’t want to go. There was a bad accident on the freeway to get there and we were already late and it just wasn’t going to happen. The kids were excited to go but I had to come up with something quick sooo… I remembered the pregnant elephant from last year and told them that I got an email from the circus saying it was cancelled because the elephant was having her baby. They were bummed yet so happy for the elephant at the same time. Circus crisis averted.

  9. leah holley

    I told my son that Santa watched him through the light fixtures in the ceiling. When he was bad, I would call the library after hours so I got the answering machine and “told Santa what a bad boy he was being” worked every time.

    1. Masha Hebert

      There used to be a phone number you could call here that would just give you the current time and weather. I would call that number to tell Santa how bad my son was behaving. Hahaha

  10. Suzanne Stavert

    OMG – I have stumbled upon your website and am LMAO! My daughter is now 25 and she still is traumatized by the “lies” I told her when she was young. To this day she sometimes isn’t sure what is fact or fiction! One of my best… “No you cannot roll your window down on the freeway, it is against the law” I always hated the windows down on the freeway so I made this up and it worked! We used to call this “trickery and deception”. Thanks for bringing up some fun memories!

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  12. Jodi Collins

    Top 3 lies:
    1. I am pretty sure boogers have gluten in them.
    2. That IS weird. I don’t know why that water in that bottle in the freezer mom likes to drink doesn’t freeze in there…..
    3. Oh shoot! You have to be 18 or older to have that toy from that commercial. You’re right…that’s totally not fair!

  13. Carla

    Telling your kids that FAO Schwarz is a toy museum where you can play with the toys but you weren’t allowed to actually buy them.

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  15. Karen

    My mom didn’t really “lie”. Sometimes if we wanted something, she would say “NO” and we’d say “WHY?” and she’d say, “Because…” which of course begged the question, “Because why?” To which she replied, “Because” is an answer. We had no where to go with that…

  16. why?

    How do you possibly feel ethical lying to your children like this? My mother never lied to me like this, and after reading this I feel SO appreciative to have the mother I have. Honestly, reading this is sickening to me. Is it really that difficult to explain to your kids that, for example, you’re too tired to go to see a movie, instead of lying and saying “they don’t show movies after 8:00 on Sundays”? How can you expect your kids to grow up to be honest people if you are lying to them? I can understand, sure, maybe sometimes you might get impatient and lie to your kids, but to laugh about it and actually think it is okay?!? How can you feel okay about this..?

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