When a woman, who was not carny folk, guessed my age on the nose, I realized there is NEVER any reason to hit that nail on the head… NEVER.
Last week, I was getting a lovely facial, as any facial should be. Wait, did I say
lovely, because I meant frightening, and horrifyingly stressful.
There, that’s better.
Sure, the goal of any facial is anti-aging, but this woman looked me right in the pores with one of those magnifying thingamabobs and said, “Let me guess, you’re about 41?”
“Fuck you! You, evil black-head sucking bitch!” I yelled at the top of my lungs as I smushed the Vitamin C Ester Detoxifying Anti-Aging mask, she was applying, into her eyes.
OK fine, I didn’t do that, but I thought about it, I thought about it hard. I believe I said something more cowardly like, “No, I’m actually 40 and a half.” Then I squeezed the tears from running down my face (as she’d have no trouble spotting them with her all seeing glass).
“Yes, I could tell,” she went on smugly, as if I had asked how she knew, “because some of your pores are rather enlarged and I don’t see naso-labial folds this deep in people under 40.”
“Really, because I’ve had those marionette lines since I was a child.” I said defensively in an ‘I’ll Show You,’ kinda way. Though, it probably made me sound like I used to be some creepy Howdy Doody looking kid, instead.
Whatever, at least Howdy looked young.
As I mentally cowered, awaiting the end of this torturous (anti-aging) facial, it dawned on me that there is NEVER a time to properly guess someone’s age. Whether your 4 or 44, you want to hear that you don’t look it.
There’s no prize in guessing someone’s age correctly. Unless you’re some carny from the 1930’s or Steve Martin from The Jerk. If I recall the scene, the prize was nothing you’d want to win anyway… “Anything in this general area right in here… below the stereo and on this side of the bicentennial glasses … between the ashtrays and the thimble. Anything in this three inches right in here … that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.” Well, in my case the “prize” was a loss of confidence and the onset of a midlife crisis.
I would have rather gotten the Chiclets.
I feel like most people realize that age is a touchy subject. At least the one’s who want a tip, that is.
From about birth to 20 someone saying you look older than you are is considered a compliment.
Whether it’s goes like this:
“You are such a big girl, what are you about 10?”
“Nope, I’m 5!”
“Wow, that’s pretty big too, you must just look 10, huh? ”
Day made for your new 5 year old buddy.
Or it goes like this:
“Yes sir I am 21, don’t I look it? ”
“Yes, you do. That’ll be a five dollar cover.”
Once you hit 21, and you’ve got paperwork to prove it, you start to wish you looked younger. You want to look 17 when you’re 22 and you want to look 22 when you’re 30 and well, you wanna look 80 when you’re 90. This keeps going until you hit 100, in which case, I’m pretty sure you want everyone to know you hit the centennial mark.
In fact, I think that’s kind of how you’d start every sentence from that day on…
“Hey sonny, did you know I’m 100?”
“Yep, got mentioned by Willard Scott for being 100.”
“Could you put a shot of Maalox in my tea, I’m a fucking hundred, you know?”
“Give me my teeth, you old whipper-snapper, I’m a century old.”
I feel like I could keep doing this all day, but I’ll stop. My point is, guessing someone’s age should always be padded by a couple years in whichever direction will be most complimentary! THAT SHOULD BE A RULE.
I don’t care if you’re a highly deductive facialist, a fortune teller, or you’re looking directly at my birth-certificate – Make me 5 to 10 years younger, no matter what.
It’s like my rule about never guessing what size someone wears. When I worked in a boutique, I NEVER did that thing where the salesperson sizes you up and says, “You look like about an 8, right?” Well, maybe I said those exact words, but only if I was sure that person was a size 12, at a minimum.
I also learned a similar rule applies to asking pregnant people when they’re due (I learned that rule the hard way). It goes: “I don’t care if you met her in a Lamaz class, NEVER ask a woman when she is due – unless she tells you she’s pregnant or you actually see the baby crowning.”
PS As a tip, I allowed my facialist to pick anything in my purse … between the mini Kleenex and the and the side zipper, but not the wallet or the iPhone. Anything between the My Little Pony from McDonalds and the rogue Bey Blade, but not the loose change or the Smashbox lipgloss.
She chose an opened, but not eaten, restaurant mint.
I think it was a good choice.
Somewhere between 35-40 I started looking OLDER than I am. I used to be able to fool people. That lady was a bitch. I love the tip you gave her. Or given her the tip of “shut up next time.”
I know, when did that happen??? Argh, it even sounds old.
I agree! Currently, I’m 39 weeks pregnant. I would add that “you look like you’re about to pop” or any use of the word “explode” (particularly with related hand gestures) is simply unnecessary. How can I possibly respond to that? Thanks?
“Shit…. stand back!!!!” That would be a good start…
You always generously round down when you guess someone’s age. That’s like the number one rule of social etiquette. Your facialist should totally be kicked off the island for this. Unless she gives really good facial. And then she can stay, because its really hard to find one of those and she could always just be muzzled if she can’t learn to appropriately inflate our egos.
I just worry that she has ruined my faith in facialists. It’s a shame one bad apple can spoil the bunch. That was not the saying, was it?
I so agree! You’d think by now people would KNOW THESE RULES!
I had just returned from maternity leave when a parent of one of my students, who knew I had just been out on maternity leave, said to me while glancing at my “haven’t lost the baby weight yet” stomach; “wow! I didn’t know- no one told me!” and I responded, “what? That I haven’t lost my baby weight yet? Yeah, I try to keep that under wraps.”
Not kidding- he turned all kinds of red but laughed along with me and quickly mumbled something about needing to get going.
That is the most perfect response EVER!
Yes! Also, do not ask a woman why she doesn’t have any kids. From “‘cos I hate the little suckers” to “Sob, sob, I’ve been trying for four years!”, there’s unlikely to be an answer you want to here. My heroine Moata sums it up nicely here: http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/blogs/moatas-blog-idle/8837253/For-those-without-buns-in-their-ovens
Seriously, no one is going to be like, “What, I don’t, shit. All these years I’ve been saving for their colleges. Wait, that means I’m rich. Yes, thank you thank you for pointing out that I don’t have children.”
The other day a guy came up to me and told me that he came all the way across the store because he just had to know how tall I was. I gave him the death glare, asked him why he wanted to know and proceeded to tear him a new butthole while he backed away slowly.
And if you’re really tall (which I don’t know) you could have ended the convo by just stepping on him.
Sigh. Someone I hadn’t seen in a few years came up to me in Publix and put her hand on my stomach and said, “Ohhh I didn’t know you were pregnant!!!!!!” Yeah I’m not, just fat, and clearly picked the wrong blouse.
She touched my tummy.
((Shudder))
Ewwwwwwww.
i actually thought this but the other day I had a pregnant coworker who told me she was tired of people saying she wasn’t looking pregnant yet. Her thinking was that it meant she just looked fat. So now I keep my mouth shut altogether!
Seriously Kate, you can’t seem to win.
Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the
video to make your point. You clearly know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your blog when you could be giving us something enlightening to read?
I would be lying if I said I’ve never made these mistakes before. But having felt the sting on the receiving end, I’m sure to avoid these questions altogether.