No matter how much you try to fancy it up (notice top hat ears) you still look like the guy on the right.
Me and about 200,000 other people had this brilliant idea to spend Spring Break at Walt Disney World. Sure, we could’ve done something more relaxing — like sky diving, but we chose this destination because we like lines. Love lines. Love the way that by simply roping off lines into a maze like snake shape so one could walk nearly a mile without ever leaving a room.
OK, lines make me insane, I can truly only half pay attention to anyone as I’m busily trying to assess how fast we’re moving and how much time we have left. While standing in the first line of the day, my daughter asked who played Mickey Mouse. “I don’t know. I guess Walt Disney was the first Mickey, but not anymore, he’s dead.” Maybe I should’ve thought out my response because my daughter’s reaction was to scream, O M G, MICKEY MOUSE IS DEAD??!! There are no rules in Disney about what you can and cannot say, but I’m gonna guess if there were that would literally top the chart. Holy crap. I’ve never seen so many chipper little happy faces fall into frowns and tears so quickly, as moms struggled to do damage control while intermittently giving me the stink eye.
Sadly, it went down hill from there. I began to suffer what I call “line dementia,” that’s when crazy shit comes out of your mouth simply to fill time and to mess with your children for your personal amusement — it’s somewhat of a survival tactic. Of course, it doesn’t help when you’re about to hurl after going on the ride from hell: AKA The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party ride. (Do not let those cute cups and saucers fool you.) Regardless of why one suffers this affliction, be warned that your amusement may cause future therapy for your children. Eh, screw it, I mean you are in an “amusement” park, right?
Waiting for Pirates of the Caribbean:
11yo Son: Mom, what is with all the turkey legs? People eating them look like cavemen.
8yo Daughter: I feel really bad for those turkeys.
Me: How do you think the turkey’s feel? You know, without any legs?
8yo Daughter: Huh?
11yo Son: Mom, they don’t just take the legs.
Me: Yes, they do. I can picture them now on tiny little turkey crutches.
8yo Daughter: Well, at least they can fly.
Me: No, I think turkeys are flightless birds because they’re really heavy.
8yo Daughter: That sucks.
Me: Well, maybe without the weight of their legs they can get off the ground.
8yo Daughter: Yeah, and then they’d be able to fly like they probably wanted to all along.
(Future therapy averted … silver lining found … ready to board boat)
Waiting for The Haunted Mansion:
11yo Son: (Referring to the people who’s job it is the continuously walk forwards and sometimes backward on the treadmill like pathways) Those people must walk like a gazillion miles a day. I wonder if they like they’re jobs.
Me: I know, and they don’t even get paid to do it.
11yo Son: What do you mean?
Me: They’re on weight loss programs they do it because they can’t afford a gym and this is free … if you’re willing to wear the costume and remind people to keep their arms in the ride at all times.
8yo Daughter: Look at that skinny guy, I bet he’s been working here a long time.
Waiting for the Reflections of Earth fireworks display to start at Epcot:
Me: You know tomorrow we’re going to the Animal Kingdom?
11yo Son: What’s it like?
Me: I don’t know, I’ve never been, but be prepared for lunch.
11yo Son: Why what’s lunch?
Me: You have to hunt for it.
11yo Son: No you don’t.
Me: Yes, you do, right mom (turn to my mother who is in the middle of a game of Bejeweled Blitz.)
My Mom: Huh? Yeah, that’s right.
Me: It’s the “Circle of Life Experience,” I signed us up for it like 6 months ago … it’s really hard to get into.
My Mom: (Now paying attention) It cost a fortune so we’re not cancelling.
11yo Son: (to 8yo and freaking out a bit) You know we have to hunt for our lunch tomorrow?
8yo Daughter: No we don’t.
11yo: Yes we do … I’m having fish!!!
(I love when one of them inadvertently takes over for me.)
8yo Daughter: I don’t like fish. I wanted a burger.
Me: Well, you’ll have to hunt a deer, that’s the only meat option.
8yo Daughter: A deer?
Me: Yep, like Bambi.
8yo Daughter: (now crying) Nooooo, I don’t want to kill a deer.
I know, too far, right? Don’t worry, I set them straight we all had sundaes and Bambi is as safe as Walt ever wanted her to be. He clearly didn’t feel the same about her mother.
At Animal Kingdom walking a trail in fake Asia:
Me: Up ahead there are Asian tigers
11yo Son: Why Asian tigers?
Me: We’re in Asia, so they’re Asian tigers … you know, verses African tigers?
11yo Son: Wait, the Asian tigers are going to fight the African tigers?
(I didn’t even do that on purpose, but I guess the word verses was somewhat confusing, so I went with it.)
Me: Yep, they will fight in an arena and it’s a character experience. A guy dressed as Simba will stand at a counter taking your bets.
11yo Son: That is so cool! Are we doing that?
Me: Nope, I had reservations but gave them up when you said you were too old for characters.
I know, sick right, and yet I feel you’ve probably had a bout of this dementia as well, sometimes insanity makes one feel more sane. What’s the most ridiculous thing you ever told your kids for your amusement.
Related Story – Wanna Look Like a Supermodel? Go to a Water Park.
Dude…you win.
Random side note: I heard turkey legs were actually made of emu. This is pure handing over of gossip on my part, but i thought you’d be interested.
Try putting more nips in your purse to spike your sodas next time!
I once convinced my kids that Plastic Bag Trees were an endangered species of tree, and we were lucky to have one in the neighborhood. (We had found a plastic grocery bag stuck in a fairly tall tree.)
Hysterical! I have wondered that about the Cast Members on The Haunted Mansion.
As we were driving one day, my 4 year old daughter saw a sign on a building that said “Second Hand Store”. She asked me what that was. I reminded her about our friend, June, that had a prosthetic leg and told her that this particular store was for people that had an accident and lost their hands. She silently nodded with a funny look on her face…..
LOL Your kids are too funny. Although this makes me not want to go to Disney… ever. My kids get bored waiting in like at the grocery store…
Okay, so playing bejeweled blitz kept me sane. I did see someone reading her Kindle while standing in line and didn’t even miss a page…I still can’t feel my legs from standing and running all over Disney.
I love this post. It evokes Steve Martin’s “Wild and Crazy Guy” record (yes, I said record – stop laughing) where he talks about the fun involved in teaching kids the wrong words for things. Except your children join in with great discussion! Fun stuff – definitely gave me a laugh.
Creative explanations are a hallmark of great parenting! I worked for the Disney company when my son was a toddler, and he always begged to ride the little race cars every time we would visit the Magic Kingdom. I always told him we couldn’t because I didn’t have the keys. (I hate those slow, jerky, whiplash-inducing cars that always have an hour long line.) Imagine his anger and confusion when a family friend took him to Magic Kingdom one day and they rode the cars. He came home and said, “Hey! Those cars don’t even have keys!!!” I just shrugged and said, “Really? I didn’t know. We could have been riding them all these years!”
When in Disney, my then 8 yr old offspring asked a ‘simple’ question.
“Why do all those big people with the giant turkey legs have their kids on a leash?”
(Think back, it’s true.)
I gave what I thought was an equally ‘simple’ answer.
“That’s their second course, honey.”
…and that was before we got in any lines.
ok, just discovered you, and you are funny as hell. I would never be able to handle taking my kids to Disney ANYTHING (they are lucky they get to watch Disney channel)
Also, Bambi was a dude. (sorry) I have a babysitting story from hell about Bambi: I was 13 and helping a friend of the family watch thier 2 year old. she was staying at our house, but my mom put me in charge of her. So I was being all “I can totally handle this!” and tried finding her stuff to do. The only thing she ever wanted to do was watch Bambi. We watched that freaking movie 13 times in 3 days. I got to the poin that when Bambi’s mom got whacked, I would start laughing hysterically, and my parents were concerned for my sanity… My poor kids have NEVER watched Bambi, or i they have, it hasn’t been when I was around!
OMG I totes forgot Bambi was a dude!!! I feel like Bambi and Dumbo are kinda the same movie with different animals or maybe I only remember the horrible parts??? Either way, my kids have seen neither. Though Nemo’s first scene isn’t much better.
woww..
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