This is the first giveaway of the week for my readers and those who watch my Parent and Lifestyle segment on NBC 6, names will be picked on Thursday March 3rd.
I highlighted these adorable inserts as Great Gear Moms Need for Travel and Organization. I only feature items I truly love! (A WINNER HAS ALREADY BEEN CHOSEN) Continue reading
In case you haven’t heard, Starbucks will now Super-Size your iced Venti 2 pump, 4 sugar, super skinny, double wide, whip it good, mocha-chaita-cino-o (or whatever you order) for 50 cents extra. Yep, the voluminous Venti has officially been dwarfed by the trendy Trenta. Why? Because everyone needs a coffee that’s larger than their stomach capacity– duh? Oh, I kid you not, the 31oz Trenta is actually 16ml more than the average stomach size. It can hold an entire bottle of wine – with room to spare. The Trenta is the Dirk Diggler of drinks, the Dolly Parton of pick me ups. Seriously America, why are we so obsessed with all things larger than life, and larger than necessary?
The sign at my Starbucks counter reads “Bigger is Better,” but is it? Is it ALWAYS better? A 24 oz Venti Caramel Macchiato is 300cal, 39g of sugar, and 150mg of caffeine. Therefore, a Trenta version could be as much as 5000 cal, 300g of sugar and 2 billion grams of caffeine or something like that…math isn’t my strong suit. Unless you’re a trucker who’s being held at gunpoint while hauling a shipment cross-country, I can’t imagine the need for such a beverage. Of course, you’d also have to be a trucker with an enormous stomach, as your belly would otherwise fill to capacity before you finished your drink. That last sentence was just silly, as truckers are rarely known for their svelte bodies. Oh gosh, now I’ve offended all truckers reading this article. But, I digress.
It seems as if nothing is ever enough for us Americans. So, what’s next? Men trying to enlarge their penises? No, wait, my inbox is already swollen with ads for that procedure. Will fast food joints make a burger so big, that they’ll need to give a defibrillator as the toy surprise? Nope, we’ve done that too. The Triple Whopper with Cheese has an eye-popping 1230 cal and 82 grams of fat! Somehow I think “Triple Bypass with Cheese” would be a more fitting moniker. Even J Lo’s derriere has been super-sized; you’ll find it on Kim Kardashian.
It’s pretty clear our desire for excess is boundless, so who can blame Starbucks for cashing in on this universal infatuation? I asked a patron with a Trenta why he bought his quart sized coffee. His response, “I’m thirsty.” Well, there you have it, thirsty people everywhere will be ordering this larger than life, yet miraculously still able to fit in a cup holder, beverage. Pretty soon we’ll simply order a troth of coffee, and of course, they’ll call it a Trothe`. That’s right – we’ll thumb our noses at obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure. No matter, we’ll be too hopped up on caffeine to give a damn.
This article was originally posted on my Seriously? column at Hybrid Mom
I was at a hip trendy salon the other day to get my hair blown out before my Thirtyfive-ish birthday dinner. While talking with the owner and the receptionist, I sarcastically mentioned that I had a plethora of something or other, and the owner Chris said, “Plethora is such a funny word; it always reminds me of…”
Cue me interrupting, as I knew where he was going; “’Three Amigos?’” I interjected, and before he could answer, I continued in my best dirty Mexican accent, “Would you say we have a plethora of piñatas?” “Oh, jes jes, El Guapo, we have a plethora of piñatas.”
Cue crickets.
You, the reader, may in fact have no clue of what I speak, though if you do… you’ll enjoy where this goes. You see, in the good ol’ days this was how “Generation X” conversed with, and sized one another up. Like many a Gen X’er, quoting movies was my language and my way of knowing whether you were worth my time. What once had the “Something about Mary” effect for me, now made me feel more like Magda. You know, Mary’s old, haggard neighbor. Ugh, the thought of being either of those adjectives gives me agita. Great, now I’m using terms like agita. My prophecy is self fulfilling!
Chris: “I’ve never seen ‘The Three Amigos.’ I was thinking it sounded British, like Monty Python and what’s that movie called? Oh right, ‘The Holy Grail.’”
Wait, is this an opening? Can I regain my cool here? Sure I can. This time in my best Cockney falsetto (cause that’s always cool) “Doctor, is it a boy or a girl?” and in a proper British accent I answered myself, “I think it’s a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don’t you?”
Cue the look of utter bewilderment on the face’s of both Chris and the cute little receptionist who should be in school.
Me: “You know, ‘The Meaning of Life?’”
Chris: “No sorry, I’ve only seen the ‘Holy Grail.’ Isn’t that what most people quote anyway?”
Me: “Yeah, probably but that’s so cliché. Quoting the ‘Grail’ is like playing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ on the guitar.”
Chris: “Right?” He said in an attempt to end this awkward conversation with the senile old lady.
But I wasn’t having it. Nooo, I was determined to relate to him or make an ass of myself trying. “The key is for the quotes to be a little obscure. I mean, how else would you know you’re talking to someone on your level of humor and wit?” I explained.
And then it dawned on me: Holy crap, I’m not only old; I’m the biggest geek EVER!
Before my brain was able to fully process this fact, I continued, queerly trying to relate to someone 15 years my junior. Well, I know he likes ‘Linkin Park’ and metal bands, so maybe ‘Spinal Tap,’ the best rock mockumentary ever, could redeem me… it redeemed Lenny, you know, of Lenny and Squiggy?
Me: “You probably love ‘Spinal Tap,’”
Chris: “I don’t listen to them, but I really like Metallica” he replied, trying to relate by mentioning a group from my era.
What? You think ‘Spinal Tap’ is a band? In some kind of Tourette’s reaction, I began uncontrollably spitting out lines thinking something would surely ring a bell. It had the same effect as someone talking louder to a person who doesn’t speak English. “These go to 11.” “It’s like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.” “You can’t dust for vomit.” NOTHING? “Come on…Caddy Shack, Fletch, Airplane, Hot Shots? Anyone, anything…Bueller?”
Chris: (Realizing this conversation would not end until we found common ground) “I liked ‘The Naked Gun.’”
YES, ha ha ha I’ve won! I’ve broken through.
Me: “Nice beaver.” “Thanks I just had it stuffed.” Oh, g-d I can’t stop.
Chris: “Yeah, don’t know that particular line. I have ‘The Naked Gun 33 and a Third.’”
Seeing the defeat on my face, the receptionist awkwardly popped in for the first time, “I think I saw ‘Airplane’ once.”
Me: “Surely you can’t be serious???” That was just to make myself chuckle. I wasn’t expecting the banterish response any Gen X’er, like me would give.
Receptionist: “No really, but but, I uh, don’t remember if it was 1 or 2,” she answered, letting the perfect opportunity to play along pass her by.
I also noticed that she actually stuttered her words. Oh crap, I’m scaring her.
Me: “Nervous?” “First time?” “No, I’ve been nervous lots of times,” I blurted out.
I regained my composure long enough to continue, “Wellllll, was it 1 or 2, they’re totally different? The original is like, a classic!”
Then I lost my composure and went on without breath “It’s like a big Tylenol with wings.” “I can make a hat… a broach… a pterodactyl.” “I take my coffee black, like my men.” “Oh stewardess, I speak Jive” “That’s funny, he never asks for a second cup at home.” “A hospital – what is it?” “It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now!” “Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?” “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.” As I was escorted from the salon/spa, whose atmosphere I had completely un-zenned, I did my best Ethel Merman until I passed out!
Yep, I’m an old geek who’s got no game… and I’ll never get over Macho Grande.
Spill, did you ever quote movies to seem cooler? I won’t tell. In fact, I may call you up. Oh, and if so what’s your favorite quote of all time?
This weeks’ TOP 5 Segment. It’s not that moms are lazy, we’re just worn out… and rightfully so, we do it ALL! Here are the top 5 ways to put more spring in your step, more perk in your parenting, more wahoo in your work, and more hyperactivity in your homemaking! Okay the last one sucked, but you get the picture.
Maybe it makes me a bad parent, but a quick meal on the way to some after school activity or when we’re rushed is sometimes essential for my family. I don’t have the time or the patience to force feed veggies that make my kids gag at every meal. Nor do I have the skills to hide broccoli in brownies and cauliflower in cupcakes a la Missy Chase Lapine. While all the moms at a playdate are talking about processed cheese stuffs and how they would never go to McDonald’s, I’m worrying there is evidence of a recent visit in my car and hoping no one needs a ride. Continue reading
Look, I’m a pop culture junkie, but Nicole Kidman confessing to injecting Botox is a headline? I mean, duh, her face hasn’t moved since “Days of Thunder.” You know the worst part about celebs copping to this inoculation and other work? They always say something like, “Yes, I admit, I did it in the past, but I don’t do it anymore.” It’s like listening to an athlete talk about steroids or Pres. Clinton describing a pending offense. Let’s not forget, he “didn’t inhale…” or “have sexual relations with that woman.” Well, Bill… you missed the best part on both counts (or did you?)
Alas, Courtney Cox and Teri Hatcher and a slew of other celebs, who like me celebrate their 29th birthday year after year, have been forced by public scrutiny to admit to past experimentation as if it was a crime. A crime punishable by Continue reading
I went out shopping with my mom the other day and I felt guilty, not because I was breaking my necessary self-imposed shopping ban, but because I had left my kids. I had left them not with a babysitter, but with my husband. They were not doing child labor; they were simply going to a movie.
I couldn’t pinpoint the cause of the feeling I was having. Maybe it was guilt brought on by the fear of sending them off alone with their dad. Would something happen without my guidance? Continue reading
Seriously, who thought of this petri dish in the first place? For those of you not lucky enough to have encountered the Euro Bubble, it’s a clear plastic beach ball that rolls on water and can fit someone up to 150lbs, (according to the website) though I saw teens much larger attempt to walk on water at the local Kaboomz Party Playground. This is how it works: you pay a fee to have your child stuff him/herself into a plastic bag while a man with no more than 7 teeth shoves a tube excreting stale air into a leak proof hole in order to blow up the ball. Hypocritical? Umm, I did just spend the last 6 years saying, “NEVER stick your head in a plastic bag” and now I’m like, “Well, if the toothless guy says it’s okay, go for it.” Continue reading
This conversation actually happened. As a humor blogger, I see the “funny” in it, but it also opened my eyes to one possibility: My kids may not gonna take care of me in my old age. Continue reading
(Next to antibiotics)
Okay, let’s put it out there. This blog is for the most part fluff. Sure, it’s funny, sometimes insightful, ironic, relatable fluff, but fluff nonetheless. Today, I had a conversation with a person 100’s of miles away, who reminded me that fluff has its purpose. Continue reading
Looking for unique holiday gifts? Or maybe you’re just an awesome supporter of Jenny From the Blog, either way, enjoy the latest parenting segment! Watch out Today Show.
If a video does not come up, use this link:
Unique gifts segment for NBC Continue reading
You know the sites: Hautelook, Gilt, Zulily, Ideeli, Rue La La? There’s addiction in my family, so was no surprise that I would fall prey to the gene. For years my father feared that I would pick up some bad habit or other: pour the sauce, pop the pills, ride the cocaine train, squeeze the juice (okay I made most of that up. I’m not privy to the colloquialisms of drug users, but it sounded good right? Maybe I could get the last one to catch on with steroid users. “Brad looks so buff all of a sudden.” “Oh, didn’t you know, he totally squeezes the juice.” Okay, I digress. Continue reading