Day 3- I feel as if I should be writing for a geriatric blog. I’m like Seinfeld doing a gig at his parents clubhouse in Del Boca Vista , which is fitting since Mark affectionately calls me Jenny Youngman. Seriously, take my husband… PLEASE.
It could go something like this: “I mean hey, what’s with those stress tests anyway? They want you to start out calm, but the first thing they do is scratch you with sand paper and stick stingy electrodes all over you. What’s with that? If they want you to start out calm, they should babysit your kids while you get in a shower.”
Jake was home from school, and I had to take him with me for the stress test. They should just hook me up and let me try getting him dressed and having him eat breakfast on a time limit, that would be test enough. I wouldn’t even need the treadmill. We entered out of breath, and again I was the youngest by a mile. The women who work in the office greeted me affectionately by name, like Norm walking into Cheers.
I was already winded from rushing to get us out the door, and Ryan to school, and through rush hour traffic, to be at a 9AM appointment. I had barely enough time to stretch my eyelids, let alone my limbs. The last thing I wanted to do was fail a walk on the treadmill. I wanted to run circles around Morty, and Stanley, and Rita. If I had to trip one of them, I would.
So, I found myself in the waiting room stretching. In my own delusional competitive world. I had my leg straight in the air an inch from my ear. I looked up out of my dazed state, to see the elderly couple sitting directly across from me. I met the woman’s gaze.
“Are you getting a stress test?“ she asked sweetly.
“Yeah, and I didn’t have time to stretch.“ I explained, wishing I could catch the words before they hit her hearing aid.
“Oh, Larry‘s getting a stress test too,“ she said, turning to face her husband who was also stretching. He was stretching his socks to his knees, and his shorts to his man boobs.
I let go of my leg feeling ridiculous. This might as well be a skit on SNL. The only difference would be that I’d have prop legs that would reach way behind my ears. Maybe I could twist them around each other and let them unravel with a helicopter effect.
“What time is yours?” she asked, knowing they’d been waiting a lot longer.
“Nine.“
“Oh? Larry’s is at nine, too, They must have two machines.“
“Yeah, well if we go head to head, Larry’s toast!“ I said cracking my knuckles.
“What?“
“I said, good luck.“
I remember my first day here. I wanted to give my appointment to Every Tom, Dick and Larry in the waiting room, but now I’m a pro and I’m hoping to get the call.
Nurse: “Jenny.”
“See you later, Suckas!”
Nurse: “Um Jenny, your son can’t come back with you.” The nurse warned, “Too much radiation in the room.”
The elderly lady, who clearly missed my trash talkin’ to Larry, graciously offered her sitting services. Even though she probably wouldn’t get far with him, I still don’t leave Jake with strangers. She could bribe him with stale sucking candies from the bottom of her purse and slowly amble out the door. Than I would have to rely on one of the other waiting room occupants to throw out a cane to trip her and foil her evil plan.
To avoid such a kidnapping scenario, I brought him back to the nurse’s station. There, a nurse, not used to seeing anyone under 70, reluctantly allowed my 7 year old and his DS in her seat. The desks around him were stacked with files. Tons of them. I put Jake’s water on a desk far away, and went in for the test.
Well, I passed, but I could barely stand by the end. I held on to the bars heaving, and wondered why I hadn’t walked over some bodies on the way into that room. The doctor came in to tell me that I seemed winded, but all was good, minus a couple skipped beats. He informed me that I also passed the heart monitor and never even asked to see my elaborate log.
“But, I’m not sure if I read the echo yet,” he added. “Wait here a minute, while I check it.”
During that minute someone came into the nurse’s station and knocked Jake’s water into about a thousand files and films. The office went into complete mayhem. The nurses rushed in to resuscitate the paperwork (If only they moved so fast on the patients).
“Whose water is this without a cap?” a bitchy nurse yelled.
“Mine, but I didn’t spill it,” I heard Jake sadly confess.
“Well, you have to have a CAP on YOUR WATER,“ she reprimanded, getting obvious joy from making him feel badly.
I turned to my nurse, “Is she serious? He needs to cap his water? When? How regularly do you plan on seeing us?“
“Can he come in with you, NOW?“ the bitchy one asked my nurse.
I turned to Jake and said loudly, “Don’t worry, that mean woman clearly had a bad experience with a cap when she was a child.“ I took him into the checkout area and waited there.
Nurse: “The Doctor would like to go over your echo.”
He met me in the nurses station and quickly explained that I probably have a congenital thing in my aortic valve. He then drew me a picture, and told me to refrain from asking questions till he was done.
“No problem, I’ll ask if I’m dying after you finish your diagram. Hey, don‘t forget to shade.”
He told me that it wasn’t a big deal, and may not be an issue for 20, 30, 40 years. “20 years? That only makes me 56,” I whined fearfully.
“So, 50 years then,” he said, like I had talked him into it.
“What then?“ I needed to know.
“Maybe a valve replacement, but we’re getting way ahead of ourselves. Just don’t run a marathon or lift weights.“
“Um okay,“ I said, thinking, “this is a lot to lay on someone in the nook of the nurses station, where the nurses are still hissing and giving the cross sign.”
“Go home and look it up and then I’m sure you’ll have a bunch of questions for your next visit.”
Note to self, find new cardiologist, one with heart.
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I’ve said it before: My mini-van is where toys go to die. Also, mittens, empty water bottles and shin guards. While my experience might be decidedly suburban, I’ll bet most moms could relate to it no matter where they live.
I had a mammogram this week. I have to get one every year; though tatas are small, there is miraculously room for fibroid cysts. My tech went so far as to comment on my boobies, saying they’re “perfectly perky.” Well, she said that after laughing aloud at the thought of getting my A’s to stay up on the shelf of the machine. My tech was crass to say the least, but her outrageous inability to filter actually shifted my focus and put me at ease.
My children are in that phase where all words referring to bodily functions and private parts are hilarious. I call it the Beavis and Butthead phase, and I’m eagerly awaiting its passing. However, I’m not holding my breath, as it appears my husband never actually outgrew that phase himself. So, with that in mind, we were trying to think of names for our new puppy. I was throwing out the more traditional names like Max and Charlie when J, my 7yo said, “Let’s name him Gary or Phil.”
