In my burb, DeliverLean is the new big thing. Once everyone had gotten sick of the juice fasts – which I never tried, because I like to chew. And once everyone realized getting a colonic was nothing like going to the spa (Skipped that too, though I was tempted to go for the celebrity sighting aspect, “Hello Ben and Matt.”), people were ready to find something with more longevity and less nakedness. Continue reading
Cat People vs Dog People Will There Ever Be a Truce?
Often people are one or the other… in terms of their feelings about pets, hence the terms “dog person,” “cat person.” Frankly, as a rare “both person,” I often wonder, the way I do about the East Coast/West Coast rap rivalry, why can’t we all just get along?
Unfortunately, we never can. Well, not until dog people are willing to see the cat people’s side? What makes that endeavor harder is that most people who aren’t cat people are actually anti-cat people.
They’re wondering what’s enjoyable about having an animal that doesn’t know it’s name. Which (for all you anti-cat people) is not true, they know their names, they just choose to ignore you when you use them, so that you’re always aware, they have the upper hand… paw.
Cat people are also the victims of ruthless discrimination and stereotyping. In which cat people are believed to be: losers, uncool, lazy, empty nesters, old maids substituting cats for children … BLOGGERS. Cat people are thought to be creepy collectors of felines or feline replicas: sculptures, wood carvings, tee shirts, meme pics… And if they’re men, they don’t make good husbands because they’ll probably confess to you years into marriage that they are in fact, gay.
These things are rarely true. Except the meme pics, I think we can all agree that they’re worth liking and sharing.
And in defense of marrying cat people, Continue reading
Did My 8 Year Old Daughter Just Tell Me I Look Like a Hooker???
“Mommy, you look snazzy!”
“Snazzy, huh? That’s a good word. I feel snazzy.”
G-d, that kid is cute, I thought to myself, as I slipped on my snazzy stilettos.
“Yeah, Mom, you look like a hooker!”
Here’s where you should insert the sound effect of a record being scratched to a halt, in the middle of a beautiful ballad.
“I’m sorry, what?”
An Open Letter to the Woman Who Cut Me Off in the Carpool Lane
Before my silly rant, I wanted to say Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! I hope at least one of you got or gave a cute little Golden Retriever puppy in a barking box (that’s how I picture X-mas, so if that doesn’t really happen, please keep it to yourself!) Now, we can get on with the sarcasm …
Dear Lady Who Cut Me Off in the Carpool Lane,
Seriously? What is the matter with you? I was waiting in that line for nearly half an hour and you thought you would just sidle your way in? There’s this unwritten rule about lines that says: Wait at the end when you arrive. Also, there’s a rule about cutting people off that says: Don’t cut off people you will see at tomorrow’s PTA meeting.
Did it not dawn on you how easily I could find out who you are? It’s not like you did this on the highway … we were going to the same place. I saw your kids get into your minivan, as you were a mere five feet in front of me!
Also, you have stickers of your entire family on your back windshield (which already makes me dislike you), so it wasn’t like I needed to be David Caruso to put the pieces together.
While we’re on the subject, what possessed you to …
Adult Swim – An Absurd, But True Holiday Tale
Well guys, I promised you something humorous, pointless, and absurd … I think I delivered, but you be the judge. (We could certainly use it!)
Last holiday season, I got a night away over winter break, a night away. It had been 6 months, almost to the day, since the last time I’d gotten a night away. Apparently, I’m on the half year excursion plan. Twice a year, I take the long ride from West Ft. Lauderdale to East Fort Lauderdale, or South Beach, or Naples and spend a single night with as much day wrapped around both sides as my parents or in-laws will allow. When choosing my resort for said trips I look for something close (for optimum veg time). Proximity is second, only to my first criteria: NO KIDS.
Yes, I said it … NO KIDS. The last thing I want to do on my “vacay” is deal with other people’s children (who I usually like way less than my own) or worse, go somewhere so kid friendly, that I spend my 36 hours imagining how much fun my kids would have had if we’d brought them… Continue reading
Does Humor Have any Place in Tragedy?
I wasn’t going to write anything today, as I couldn’t imagine sending out a humor piece right now, when we’re all mourning and trying to comprehend such unfathomable evil, and having enough trouble sending our own babes back to school. But, then it dawned on me: This is why I — we — many of us (bloggers, humorists, comedians) write.
Let’s be real, for the most part, my writing is pretty useless. Well, unless you print it out and use the back of the paper to write a to-do list, or as a make-shift tissue, or dare I say it… TP?
The other day I wrote a rant about someone cutting me off in the carpool lane. It was for a site I love, TheStir, where most of the readers don’t know me my motivation, sense of irony, and penchant for poking fun at cliches and stereotypes. As any blogger knows, the comments on major sites can be pretty harsh. Some of them mentioned how trite my article was, “The polar ice caps are melting … and people starving in our own backyards?” “Why did I even waste time typing this response to such drivel.”
To which I replied, Continue reading
Can a Jewish Mommy Kiss Santa Claus Without Being a Ho Ho Ho?
This is what my house sounds like around the holidays. (Oh, and the rest of the year, but I say “around the holidays” to make myself look like a better parent.)
“Mommy can I have that?” “Will you buy me that?” “Mommy, my friend’s neighbor’s cousin has that.” “I want that.” “When can I have that?” “Mommy?” “Ma?” “Maaaaaaaa?” “MOM!” This exchange of words usually ends with:
“If you mention it again, and the answer will be never.”
“Never? I can’t even have the Easy Bake Ultimate Oven that bakes more batches, when I’m 25?” 
“Sure, but if you don’t have a real oven by then, making cookies may not be the best use of your time.”
“How about she gets it for her next birthday, or maybe Kwanzaa?” my son pipes in. He’s already eying a Penny Board for Secretaries Day, and has informed me that, although we are Jewish, he will be giving up vegetables for Lent.
My children’s Hanukkah wish lists were so comprehensive this year, I was forced to explore alternative channels in my search. Consequently, I have sent a friendly letter asking someone who has slighted me in the past for a little holiday help. Some might say it’s more of a formal accusation, but really it’s just a hand delivered note that needs to be notarized and signed on receipt. It goes:
Dear Santa,
I have never complained about you forgetting us Jews in the past, but Continue reading
Beauty Myths Debunked – You’ll Be Surprised
Do you get zits from unwashed pillowcases or cellphones?
Will you age the way your parents age?
Do retinoids make you more susceptible to sun damage or sunburn?
What’s the magic ingredient you should look for in beauty products?
If you were a vampire, would you need anti-aging creams?
On this week’s Jenny Isenman Show, my favorite dermatologist, Dr. Doris Day is back! You know, the uber famous one I told you I would totally stalk? Well, she answers tons of my insane questions. Be warned, before you watch, some of the answers are awesome and some may totally piss you off.
Enjoy –
Jenny From the Blog
The questions Dr. Day couldn’t answer: “When the f@ck did I get all these wrinkles.” and “Wasn’t I just going to my prom like last week?” Continue reading
A Label Whore Learns A New Shopping Trick – Who Knew?
I rarely if ever, take on a campaign where I review or talk about products that I’m paid to discuss. Yes, I’ve been offered cold hard cash to do so, but more amusingly I’ve been offered lot’s of shit: everything from sex toys to washer/dryers. To those peeps I say “Look, if they won’t accept your mode of payment at Starbucks, I don’t accept it either. I’ve tried paying Starbucks with vibrators — no go.” Well except for this incident.
That said, I was asked to do a special shopping event for SearsStyle and I jumped at the chance — strictly to see if I could rise to the challenge. Why? Because I would never consider shopping for clothing at Sears. Frankly, the last thing I bought there was a treadmill and you can’t wear that to a party. Also, in my fabulous and long forgotten NYC days, I was a stylist and owned a personal shopping company — which makes me an addicted bargain hunter who knows how to shop. So, I was all, “Bring it!”
My instructions were to find outfits at Sears and pick one to wear to an Art of Fashion and SearsStyle event at the trendy Raleigh Hotel in South Beach…
I have 2 rules about shopping:
1. You can find something great ANYWHERE!
2. Never spend a fortune on uber trendy items, when you can save that money for a sick bag or boots that will last you more than a season or two!
With that in mind, Continue reading
The Best ‘Get Up And Go’ Stretch for Moms (VIDEO)
Frankly, I’m getting tired of reaching around in the car to grab a drink/toy/video game from one of my children, only to find I’ve pulled out my back/shoulder/neck. You see, I used to be more “bendy.” In the old days I could pick something up without hearing the snap, crackle, pop of my rickety vertebrae. Yes, I was young, once. Though my mind tells me I’m no more than 25, my body begs to differ.
At 30-something-ish, I never thought my body would feel so geriatric. I mean, I don’t even know how to play mahjong (yep, I’m behind the curve), though I do carry a cane so that I can shake it at teenagers while spouting off sage, but somewhat confusing advice, like: “Never bike against traffic, it’s bad for your pancreas.” Continue reading
16 Things I’m Ashamed to Admit I’m Thankful For
Yesterday, I was sent a group email asking me to list things I’m thankful for that aren’t traditional, like: “my family,” “food on the table,” etc. Other moms on the email tree were coming back with beautiful sentiments about new friendships, the help of strangers, and averting disasters.
I didn’t respond because everything I thought of seemed trite, superficial, and a tad less profound. However, I did write a list, and frankly, I’ll share it with you because these things totally deserve thanks in my book — just refrain from saying them around the dinner table.
1. I am thankful for the dimmer switch in my bedroom.
2. I am thankful that I keep a pair of tweezers in my car.
3. I am thankful my daughter has not lost faith in the tooth fairy, and my son goes along with it.
4. I am thankful I didn’t have an affair with the head of the CIA.
5. I am thankful for Homeland — somehow that red-headed guy is really sexy?!
20 Things Women Would Do For Their Besties
Recently, I wrote about Move-a-Body-Friends. You know, those people you would do anything for, like say, move a body? Since that’s a metaphor (sorta), I thought I’d make a list of things I would actually do (and in most cases already have) for my nearest and dearest. I think most women I know would, and that’s why the fairer sex is kinda awesome!
- Be designated driver on a girls night out because I know you need a glass of wine (or shot of vodka) more than I do, and trust me, I need one.
- Say, “That skirt/dress/jumpsuit makes your butt look fat,” when that skirt/dress/jumpsuit actually makes your butt look fat.
- Explain that jumpsuits only look good on Rihanna and Rachel Zoe — and encourage you to stop wearing them.
- Pretend I need you to fix my bra strap to save you from a tedious conversation with a boring mom at the playground or that annoying guy at Starbucks.
- Despise someone I barely know because of something they’ve done to you, and then treat them kindly if you decide to forgive them.
- Hold your hair if you’re throwing up in a club, which probably wouldn’t happen because we’re so, not that cool anymore.
- Call your mother/father/siblings/other friends to have an intervention if you get hooked on Meth, Crack, or One Direction. Continue reading