“Mommy, you look snazzy!”
“Snazzy, huh? That’s a good word. I feel snazzy.”
G-d, that kid is cute, I thought to myself, as I slipped on my snazzy stilettos.
“Yeah, Mom, you look like a hooker!”
Here’s where you should insert the sound effect of a record being scratched to a halt, in the middle of a beautiful ballad.
“I’m sorry, what?”
Dear Lady Who Cut Me Off in the Carpool Lane,
Seriously? What is the matter with you? I was waiting in that line for nearly half an hour and you thought you would just sidle your way in? There’s this unwritten rule about lines that says: Wait at the end when you arrive. Also, there’s a rule about cutting people off that says: Don’t cut off people you will see at tomorrow’s PTA meeting.
Did it not dawn on you how easily I could find out who you are? It’s not like you did this on the highway … we were going to the same place. I saw your kids get into your minivan, as you were a mere five feet in front of me!
Also, you have stickers of your entire family on your back windshield (which already makes me dislike you), so it wasn’t like I needed to be David Caruso to put the pieces together.
While we’re on the subject, what possessed you to …
Last holiday season, I got a night away over winter break, a night away. It had been 6 months, almost to the day, since the last time I’d gotten a night away. Apparently, I’m on the half year excursion plan. Twice a year, I take the long ride from West Ft. Lauderdale to East Fort Lauderdale, or South Beach, or Naples and spend a single night with as much day wrapped around both sides as my parents or in-laws will allow. When choosing my resort for said trips I look for something close (for optimum veg time). Proximity is second, only to my first criteria: NO KIDS.
Yes, I said it … NO KIDS. The last thing I want to do on my “vacay” is deal with other people’s children (who I usually like way less than my own) or worse, go somewhere so kid friendly, that I spend my 36 hours imagining how much fun my kids would have had if we’d brought them… Continue reading
I wasn’t going to write anything today, as I couldn’t imagine sending out a humor piece right now, when we’re all mourning and trying to comprehend such unfathomable evil, and having enough trouble sending our own babes back to school. But, then it dawned on me: This is why I — we — many of us (bloggers, humorists, comedians) write.
Let’s be real, for the most part, my writing is pretty useless. Well, unless you print it out and use the back of the paper to write a to-do list, or as a make-shift tissue, or dare I say it… TP?
The other day I wrote a rant about someone cutting me off in the carpool lane. It was for a site I love, TheStir, where most of the readers don’t know me my motivation, sense of irony, and penchant for poking fun at cliches and stereotypes. As any blogger knows, the comments on major sites can be pretty harsh. Some of them mentioned how trite my article was, “The polar ice caps are melting … and people starving in our own backyards?” “Why did I even waste time typing this response to such drivel.”
To which I replied, Continue reading
This is what my house sounds like around the holidays. (Oh, and the rest of the year, but I say “around the holidays” to make myself look like a better parent.)
“Mommy can I have that?” “Will you buy me that?” “Mommy, my friend’s neighbor’s cousin has that.” “I want that.” “When can I have that?” “Mommy?” “Ma?” “Maaaaaaaa?” “MOM!” This exchange of words usually ends with:
“If you mention it again, and the answer will be never.”
“Never? I can’t even have the Easy Bake Ultimate Oven that bakes more batches, when I’m 25?” 
“Sure, but if you don’t have a real oven by then, making cookies may not be the best use of your time.”
“How about she gets it for her next birthday, or maybe Kwanzaa?” my son pipes in. He’s already eying a Penny Board for Secretaries Day, and has informed me that, although we are Jewish, he will be giving up vegetables for Lent.
My children’s Hanukkah wish lists were so comprehensive this year, I was forced to explore alternative channels in my search. Consequently, I have sent a friendly letter asking someone who has slighted me in the past for a little holiday help. Some might say it’s more of a formal accusation, but really it’s just a hand delivered note that needs to be notarized and signed on receipt. It goes:
Dear Santa,
I have never complained about you forgetting us Jews in the past, but Continue reading
Do you get zits from unwashed pillowcases or cellphones?
Will you age the way your parents age?
Do retinoids make you more susceptible to sun damage or sunburn?
What’s the magic ingredient you should look for in beauty products?
If you were a vampire, would you need anti-aging creams?
On this week’s Jenny Isenman Show, my favorite dermatologist, Dr. Doris Day is back! You know, the uber famous one I told you I would totally stalk? Well, she answers tons of my insane questions. Be warned, before you watch, some of the answers are awesome and some may totally piss you off.
Enjoy –
Jenny From the Blog
The questions Dr. Day couldn’t answer: “When the f@ck did I get all these wrinkles.” and “Wasn’t I just going to my prom like last week?” Continue reading
I rarely if ever, take on a campaign where I review or talk about products that I’m paid to discuss. Yes, I’ve been offered cold hard cash to do so, but more amusingly I’ve been offered lot’s of shit: everything from sex toys to washer/dryers. To those peeps I say “Look, if they won’t accept your mode of payment at Starbucks, I don’t accept it either. I’ve tried paying Starbucks with vibrators — no go.” Well except for this incident.
That said, I was asked to do a special shopping event for SearsStyle and I jumped at the chance — strictly to see if I could rise to the challenge. Why? Because I would never consider shopping for clothing at Sears. Frankly, the last thing I bought there was a treadmill and you can’t wear that to a party. Also, in my fabulous and long forgotten NYC days, I was a stylist and owned a personal shopping company — which makes me an addicted bargain hunter who knows how to shop. So, I was all, “Bring it!”
My instructions were to find outfits at Sears and pick one to wear to an Art of Fashion and SearsStyle event at the trendy Raleigh Hotel in South Beach…
I have 2 rules about shopping:
1. You can find something great ANYWHERE!
2. Never spend a fortune on uber trendy items, when you can save that money for a sick bag or boots that will last you more than a season or two!
With that in mind, Continue reading
Frankly, I’m getting tired of reaching around in the car to grab a drink/toy/video game from one of my children, only to find I’ve pulled out my back/shoulder/neck. You see, I used to be more “bendy.” In the old days I could pick something up without hearing the snap, crackle, pop of my rickety vertebrae. Yes, I was young, once. Though my mind tells me I’m no more than 25, my body begs to differ.
At 30-something-ish, I never thought my body would feel so geriatric. I mean, I don’t even know how to play mahjong (yep, I’m behind the curve), though I do carry a cane so that I can shake it at teenagers while spouting off sage, but somewhat confusing advice, like: “Never bike against traffic, it’s bad for your pancreas.” Continue reading
Yesterday, I was sent a group email asking me to list things I’m thankful for that aren’t traditional, like: “my family,” “food on the table,” etc. Other moms on the email tree were coming back with beautiful sentiments about new friendships, the help of strangers, and averting disasters.
I didn’t respond because everything I thought of seemed trite, superficial, and a tad less profound. However, I did write a list, and frankly, I’ll share it with you because these things totally deserve thanks in my book — just refrain from saying them around the dinner table.
1. I am thankful for the dimmer switch in my bedroom.
2. I am thankful that I keep a pair of tweezers in my car.
3. I am thankful my daughter has not lost faith in the tooth fairy, and my son goes along with it.
4. I am thankful I didn’t have an affair with the head of the CIA.
5. I am thankful for Homeland — somehow that red-headed guy is really sexy?!
Recently, I wrote about Move-a-Body-Friends. You know, those people you would do anything for, like say, move a body? Since that’s a metaphor (sorta), I thought I’d make a list of things I would actually do (and in most cases already have) for my nearest and dearest. I think most women I know would, and that’s why the fairer sex is kinda awesome!
As a pretty trendy mom, I’m a HUGE fan of Hanky Panky. Really, who isn’t? That said, their “split-crotch thong” is completely lost on me, and I can’t figure out if it’s because I’ve become boring and unfashionable or it’s just a really stupid idea.
I recently visited the “What’s New” section of ShopBop.com (which I check out religiously) and there they were — the After Midnight Open Thongs ($16) — in the company of some amazing moto jackets
and a fabulous dome ring. Marveling at the slit-laden undies, I asked myself these important questions …
This one’s for the ladies and also gay men with excellent taste: Thoughts from the Suburban Jungle about Jon Hamm’s Penis.
Yes, after all the shares and comments on FB yesterday … I realized this is the question on everyone’s lips: Can Jon Hamm’s penis save the world? (Which in some way means Jon Hamm’s penis is on everyone’s lips and that’s kinda gross, Jon Hamm!) So, I made this for you guys, also, I was really bored and happened to be wearing full make at the time…
Well, I guess I was on to something when I made this video.
ENJOY – XO JENNY
I couldn’t find his penis anywhere in this picture, which was not for a lack of trying.
