Category Archives: parenting

A Sarcastic Look at 19 Common Things That Could Kill You

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19 Common Things That Could Kill You, So THEY Say

Last week, I went on a girls weekend to the Canyon Ranch to celebrate my 40th birthday. Not that I feel that particular birthday needs a lot of attention, but it seemed like a great excuse to spend savings that should be going towards Botox, anti-aging creams and um, groceries. As you can imagine, we were a rowdy crew, 7 girls on South Beach blowing lines and partying with the Kardashians. Oh, I mean blowing off our reservations at trendy restaurants and sitting around in our robes talking about all the things that could kill you.

MORE HUMOR: 15 Random Things I Wouldn’t Know If I Weren’t a Gen Xer

Yes, that was the talk of much of the weekend. One of us would suggest an idea to make life easier, to make ourselves look younger, or to make our homes look better — and another one of us would slam it back with an explanation of why this idea was horrible and potentially lethal.

It got so bad, we began to sarcastically disparage every suggestion like: “You’re going for a walk on the beach? Beaches are toxic, if you don’t come back I get dibs on your stuff.” “You want appetizers before the main course? Be careful, I hear appetizers are linked to rickets.” “Champagne are you sure? Drinking champagne will totally make your arms to fall off.”

I know, you’re jealous, as we sound like a bunch of fun loving, young, hip mamas grabbing life by the horns. Duh, YOLO, right? The warnings below are real, just don’t quote me on the effects.

Be careful, reading this list may cause you to notice the irony in being conscientious and it will also give you smallpox… Continue reading →

10 Annoying Moms You NEVER Wanna Get Stuck With

The 6 Moms You NEVER Want To Get Stuck With

At a party last weekend, I got stuck with one of “those moms” You know, the annoying moms you dread seeing at school functions, birthday parties, playdates, or park outings? So, I decided to make a list of the most common types of annoying moms I’ve come across. This way you can avoid them before they trap you!

1. PMS Pam: Talking with this “depress-fest” is more sobering than watching an aged Gary Busey perform live. Her weighty chit chat will include talk of diseases that could strike at any time, children who were poisoned by school lunches, and Botox gone horribly, irreversibly wrong. After a few short minutes, you’ll be sucked into an abyss of worry and despair that will have you questioning your safety, your health, and your marriage.

Rule of Thumb: Never talk to her alone, as it will take another friend to pull you from the pit (hope that friend comes bearing cocktails)!

2. Know it all Nicole: This mom is like Kris Jenner, but she won’t take your family to Hawaii. She will, however, advise you how to be a better mom and wife, because frankly, who doesn’t like unsolicited advice on parenting and marriage? She’ll tell you whether you should or shouldn’t vaccinate, how to get whites their whitest, and why you can never go to a drive-thru.

Rule of Thumb: If you want her to impart her wisdom elsewhere, bring up a blush-worthy topic like blow jobs. If she doesn’t run for the hills, hear her out — you can never know too much about blow jobs — then bring up vibrators.

3. Donna Droner: Talking to Donna will make you wish you had a cyanide pellet. This chatty chick finds every detail of her stories not only imperative, but scintillating — whether she’s describing how she rescheduled her children’s annual checkups, or rattling off her 39-step trick to get discoloration out of grout. Throughout your pow-wow you’ll feign interest and nod politely, while wondering if plastic party knives are strong enough to perform Hari Kari.

Rule of Thumb: Take a fake call. If you’re not holding your phone, pick up anything, hold it to your ear and answer it.

4. Braggy Beth: This gal will make you question whether your child is stupid, lazy, or socially inept. No matter what your kid’s accomplishments are, Beth’s kids did it better, and did it earlier. “Your daughter doesn’t know her alphabet yet? Have you had that looked into? I mean, I’m sure she’s fine. It’s just that my Lily is just really advanced. She probably learned it in the womb — I mean, we taught her French in the womb. Does yours speak French yet? Sorry, that was insensitive… she barely speaks English.” Listening to her talk will bring out a shameful side of you that wants to give her perfect little angel the finger.

Rule of Thumb: Don’t give her kid the finger… kick her in the shin and run.

5. TMI Tammy: Tammy is like a bad Facebook status in the flesh. She feels that the disgusting details of the ooze in her son’s ear and the consistency of her daughter’s last bowel movement is lunchtime fare. Though you may only know her from “Meet the Teacher Night,” you somehow also know that she has an inverted uterus and hence prefers it doggy style.

Rule of Thumb: TMI Tammy can work in details that would make Eminem blush, so stick to “Hi” and “Bye” and NEVER ask how she’s doing.

6. Judgy Julie: This delightful mom is assessing your every move. On play dates, she’s estimating how many toys you have in your dining room, the sugar content in your pantry, and when you last dusted your blinds. Her goal is simple: find enough evidence to confirm what she suspected all along: She is better than you.

Rule of Thumb: Be careful how much you let Judgy Julie see because she doesn’t keep her verdicts to herself. Yep, the high fructose corn syrup snacks you offered up as team mom could be the talk of the next PTA meeting.

Addendum: 10/1 (I said there would be more and here they are…)

7. Fend For Yourself Fran: This mom sees your child as her respite. Your kid is distracting hers, so that she can get a moment of peace, a glass of wine, a few minutes to read “Mommy Porn.” She’s not concerned with what the kids are doing, as long as they’re doing it quietly… and far away. You may come to her house to find your child, miserable, hungry, bruised, or locked in a bathroom, which she will have no explanation for, as she was unaware your child needed supervision… or a glass of water, or a Bandaid, or some protective gear.

Rule of Thumb: Always have her kid at your house or send yours over to hers with a survival kit.

8. Delusional Denise: DeeDee has no clue what her child is REALLY like. She’s blissfully unaware that her darling offspring, whom you’ve seen suffocate a baby bunny, could do any wrong. If confronted, Denise will emphatically deny that it was her little angel, she’ll explain how it was surely an accident, or she’ll complain that her child always seems to be the scapegoat.

Rule of Thumb: Keep yourself your kids and your pets as far away as possible — Denise’s kids are the ones who grow up to be serial killers.

9. Stalky Samantha: Samantha wants your life. She will sidle her way into plans with you. She’ll make sure her kids get close to your kids, sign them up for the same activities, clubs, teams, and classes. She’ll call other people to determine where you are at any given time. Her covert detective skills include frequent drive-bys, constant contact through scouring pictures and updates on social media, and oddly “running into you” like, everywhere.

Rule of Thumb: Be careful with this one, as we all know how stalker movies turn out… plus you’re probably convinced she has weird super powers like super hearing or ESP. (Well, that’s just silly because she’s actually a vampire.)

10. Me Me Mimi: “Enough about you, more about Mimi,” is her slogan. “What? Your child is allergic to peanuts and went into anaphylactic shock at school? I totally know what that’s like. That happens to my little Carly with chocolate. I mean, she’s not allergic, but it does a number on her tummy. Last Halloween she had such a bellyache… as you can imagine, it was awful.”

Rule of Thumb: Avoid this time suck at all costs, as even a nod in her direction opens a door for her to tell you more about herself and her family… AND DON’T GET HER STARTED ON HER DELIVERY STORY!

Some days I may or may not fall into one of these categories, though I like to believe those days are few and far between. Which mom makes you want to send smoke signals? And who did I miss (feel free to make up your own)?

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20 Momisms Translated – What We REALLY Mean

Recently I wrote a post for my column at TheStir about common Momisms and how they can get you into big trouble. You know Momisms, those phrases we turn to get a short reprieve, to conceal criticism, to maintain our sanity, or simply because we have no clue what our child just said and we’re trying to go with it? Since that column seemed to resonate, I thought I’d add a handy decoder to translate what we say –> what we MEAN.

Do not let this fall into the hands of your children or it’ll ruin it for the rest of us!

Maybe –> Probably not

We’ll see –> NEVER

Let’s play the quiet game. –> Stop talking, my ears are bleeding.

I love the outfit you put together. –> Please spill something on it before we leave the house.

Where did you hear that? –> Your information is completely false.

One day you’ll thank me. –> Hopefully, you’ll forget this ever happened. Continue reading →

Things We Swore We Would Never Say But Probably Do

Things we swore we would never say

In my recent post about decoding Momisms, I realized that not only have I officially become a mother, I may have officially become MY mother. Not that she was bad, she was and is wonderful, but she spoke a language of cliche “parentese” that I swore would never pass my lips. No, I would never say “Because I said so,” as I intended to have long conversations with my brilliant offspring in which I would explain my decision and discuss my reasoning ad nauseum.

I mean, they deserved to be talked to like adults, right? No quickie threats, or illogical arguments? Well, at least that’s what I assumed when I was one of them. Now, I realize those phrases were uttered to stop from having conversations ad nauseum about EVERY LITTLE THING or because they were simply quick, to the point, and preserved sanity.

Here’s a list of those things we swore we never say … categorized by style. The question is, how many of these and how many have passed your lips? Continue reading →

All Moms Are Neurotic Sometimes – Right?

pull out hair stress frustrated

Here’s the thing, I’m not saying you’re neurotic, but we’ve all had those moments that totally defy all logic and reasoning. It’s just that some of us have more than others. I have these moments almost ~~daily~~, hourly. I know… you’re jealous.

You too can have them, just develop a hearty case of OCD or throw all rational reasoning out the window and start to believe your thoughts can control the world (they’re the same thing).  

My please-don’t-have-me-committed moment du jour was focused on a prescription of antibiotics for my daughter’s double ear infection. Please note, the child’s never had an ear infection and for her first, she’s decided to have two. Let me tell you, that kid NEVER does anything half-assed, which is something I usually marvel at.

Anyhoo, after 4 days of diligently doling out her meds, twice a day (No easy task, as any mom will tell you), I accidentally knocked the bottle over onto the counter.

I felt the way an alcoholic would watching interventionists pour the last bit of liquor down the drain, or worse, the way EVERY breastfeeding mom feels when a bottle of pumped milk AKA “liquid gold” is spilled – sob worthy.

I watched as the pink milky blob spread across the counter and did what any other self respecting mom would do. I grabbed a medicine syringe and started siphoning the remains. But, I couldn’t put it back into the bottle, why? I mean, there were 6 days left and at least 4 were staring at me in a blob on the counter. Instead I filled a separate glass with everything I could suck up, and stared at it.

Now, a new mom would probably Continue reading →

18 Random Things We Wouldn’t Know If We Weren’t Gen Xers

(Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother, Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?)

About a week ago I turned 40 …

I was telling a friend that I’d totally trade in my Gen X status for that of a 30 year old hipster who wears black rimmed glasses (yet has no prescription)… Then I wouldn’t have to admit that I spent most Saturday nights of my childhood hoping beyond hope that Charo would be the surprise guest on The Love Boat or that somehow Shari and Lambchop would find themselves in an eerie episode of Fantasy Island where Shari was the puppet. (What, I’m the only one who wished for that story line? I think not.)

No, I wouldn’t know a ton of things about pop culture, big hair, or bad TV, had I not been a poster child for Generation X. Things like this:

1. I wouldn’t recall the Facts of Life before Edna’s Edibles burned down and Cloris Leachman took over. I’d say, “Who’s Mrs. Garrett?” and “Tootie on roller-skates, really? I don’t think so.”

2. I wouldn’t know what it would be like to get up to change the channel on the television set or how to adjust bunny ears. (For those non Gen Xers, “bunny ears” is not a photobomb technique.)

3. I wouldn’t know how incredibly ridiculous and large, I mean gorgeous, my hair could look by spraying my bangs to the ceiling and simply adding an over-sized scrunchie or clip on the top of my head, or an attractive horse mane-creating banana clip to the back of my hair, or how to weave my own ribbon barrettes à la Olivia Newton John in Xanadu.

4. I certainly wouldn’t have learned most of what I know about grammar, science, math and history from School House Rock. To this day, I can tell you who invented the cotton gin, why 3 is a magic number and how our nervous system is like a telegraph line. I’m also fairly certain the Great American Melting Pot is an actual stew made by the Statue of Liberty.

5. Nor would I know what a Yuckmouth is, what to do when I “hanker for a hunk a cheese” or how not to drown my food in ketchup or mayo or goo.

yuckmouth

6. I wouldn’t have diligently listened to Casey Kasem count down the weekly hits while praying Bananarama, Debbie Gibson or The Bangles would take the number one spot (and not have been ashamed to admit it).

7. I wouldn’t know the joy of waking up at 6AM on Saturday morning to catch The Super Friends and wishing there would be a storyline that included one of the random heroes or villains. You know like, Apache Chief, Plastic Man, Mxyzptlk or Bizarro. (Did anyone else think Wonder Woman was hooking up with Aquaman?)

Did anyone else think she was hooking up with Aquaman? 8. Plus, I don’t think I would’ve made it through adolescence without “One to Grow On” or “After School Specials.” Frankly, without the likes of Mr. T, David Hasselhoff, Kim Fields or Punky Brewster telling me not to steal or cheat or throw up after meals — I don’t know that I would’ve turned out OK.

9. I wouldn’t know from Corey Apple, Adam Bomb or Sy Clops.

garbage pail kids 10. I wouldn’t know the excitement over getting a brand new Brother Word processor (you could type an entire sentence at a time, I kid you not – goodbye white-out).

11. I would have never annoyingly used the phrases and terms: “Where’s the beef,” “Barf me out,” “No Duy,” “Tubular,” “Faced” (as in, “You got faced”) or like the word “like” every like other word in like a sentence. (All to my mother’s dismay.)

12. I wouldn’t have been able to watch (while pretending to be asleep) Eddie Murphy sing “Unce, tice, fee times a mady,” or teach me the word “scum bucket.” I wouldn’t know why Mr. Bill screamed “Oh No,” or why it ’tis better to look good than to feel good.

13. I probably wouldn’t have owned a rainbow assortment of EGs, that we all know were beyond perfection with a pair of simple Keds, or awesome Reebok hightops, or fancied up with a glorious pair of shoe boots!

14. I wouldn’t have attempted to do the flash-dance quick-toe-tap and hair swing while wearing leg-warmers and a splatter painted, off the shoulder sweatshirt for my 4th grade talent show. (Oh, if I could erase that day! Alas, I cannot — years of therapy says so.)

15. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to use my allowance to buy the Beastie Boys License to Ill album (as in LP), and play it on my awesome record player with mono AND stereo… nor would I understand how speakers were also furniture… mine were used as makeshift bedside tables.

16. I wouldn’t know the feeling of getting a Cabbage Patch Kid after being on a wait-list at Caldor that felt like an eternity — and not even being able to pick the one I got, but loving her/him nonetheless. Extra points if you can remember the name, mine was Mitzy Shirley.

17. I wouldn’t be able to wow my children with my awesome dance moves including: The Running Man, the Roger Rabbit, the Cabbage Patch, the MC Hammer, the Robot, the Sprinkler, the Shopping Cart, the Walk the Dog … Oh, I’m goooood.

18. And those references to winding cassette tapes with a pencil that you see on Facebook — I’d see them as meaningless graphic designs to be silk-screened onto a tee shirt.

cassette

Shit, did I age myself saying silk-screened?

I meant iron-on.

No?

Glitter decal?

Still no?

Acid washed? Stone washed? Distressed?

Getting better?

Organic? Composted? Made from hemp… green coffee… some material that wicks sweat?

Fine. I can’t fool myself or anyone else, and when I look back at all the crap I got to enjoy, I kinda don’t want to. So, I’ll embrace it!

Gen Xers are like totally awesome…

Happy 40th to ME!

PS Am I the only one who remembers this shit??? Test me: What wouldn’t you remember?

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50 More Things I Remember as a Child of the 80s

But I now see that I’m somewhat stuck in the ’80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I’d share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.

1. Being on a wait list for a Cabbage Patch Kid and not even being able to pick the one you wanted (bonus points if you remember its name — mine was Mitzy Shirley and she had the dreaded short curly hair).

2. Jumping on the eyes of the alligator with Pit Fall Harry.

3. Thinking Flash Gordon had the best special effects ever.

4. That coffee-flavored sucking candy all elderly people had (before anything coffee flavored was cool).

5. The random Super Friends like the Apache Chief, Gleek, and Samurai.

6. Screaming, “Oh my God, the girl in Sleepaway Camp has a penis!”

7. What kind of G-news Gary Gnu shared.

READ MORE: (Right click and open the READ MORE in a new tab or window, so you can come back and read Part One – 15 Things I Wouldn’t Know If I Weren’t A Gen Xer)

Wanna Look Like a Supermodel on Your Vacation? Hit a Water Park

Living is South Florida has taught me this: If you want to feel really crappy about yourself and guilt yourself into a starvation diet, you should simply go to South Beach, but if you wanna feel like Giselle, go to a water park.

Look, the beaches here are filled with hot, svelte, uber-tan, scantily clad, could-be models who do things you would normally see in cheesy 80s spring break movies or the making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, like whip their hair out of the water in a single choreographed move in slow motion.

For this reason, I always have a cover-up no more than an arm’s distance away as I sit under an umbrella and wonder, “When did I stop being that young, hot, frolicy, slow-motion girl? Wait, was I ever her? Shit, I don’t know if I was ever her, and now I’ll never be her again or for the first time…”

This is why I rarely go to the beach. Buuuuuut, I’ve also learned that to combat this feeling, one does not need to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas break in an Alaska-esque climate where she can bundle up and hide under a trendy puffer jacket.

Nope, one simply needs to take herself and her beach attire to a water park. Though water parks and beaches seem similar on the surface, they’re at their core polar opposites, like Walmart and Target.

Frankly, any park will do because here is a water park truth: No matter how much cellulite, varicose veins, stretch marks, regrettable tattoos or unsightly moles you have, there is someone within a 10-foot radius of you who has more… and she is wearing a bikini.

…a string bikini.

…a string bikini that Continue reading →

Why It Might Be Handy to Have a Tourettes Card for An Hour or Two

I’m not usually this “cursy,” but I couldn’t resist! mwahahaha….Now you may be asking yourself, “What is a Tourettes card and why would one want such a thing?” Well, it’s a card some people with Tourettes Syndrome carry and hold up, in the event of an inappropriate outburst.

Once I learned such a thing exists, I kinda couldn’t help but think of the powers one could wield with it (if it got into the wrong hands). I mean, it pretty much gives you carte blanche to speak your mind with no recourse. That’s better than some other great cards one can obtain like: a get out of jail free card, a marriage “hall pass,” and a Saks gift card with no limit!

Now, please understand I get that Tourettes is serious and I would never wish it upon anyone, this is just an imaginary scenario of what one could do with a card for say, a couple hours.

(insert squiggly dream sequence lines here)…

At the playground:

You: “Excuse me, is that your kid throwing sand? He’s a real asshole, huh?”

Mother at park: “I’m sorry, WHAT?”

You: “No offense, (Flash Your Card).”

Mother at Park: “Oh, none taken. He is an asshole (nervous laughter).”

At theme parks:

You: “Mickey, you douchemonkey, stop hugging my kid. The shaking and screaming he’s doing means your big-ass head is scaring him!”

Mickey Mouse: “Pardon me?” (Please read his parts in the mouse voice.)

You: “Sorry, (Flash Your Card).”

Mickey Mouse: “Oh, well then, hope to see yaa again reeeal soon.”

To confront your child’s bully: Continue reading →

The Verdict is In – I’m Obsessed with My New Diet

This is how it looks…

I confessed last week that I’m a total Sally when it comes to ordering. I completely demolish any menu by ordering “light this,” “extra that,” and “hold the this.” So you can imagine how I was kinda freaking out as I awaited my first Deliver Lean drop off.

It came at 3AM. *NOTE: If you live in a gated community I suggest you call them in ahead of time! I forgot to do so, and woke up like a shot, adrenalin rushing … assuming any 3AM call is bad news.

Beyond alert, I decided to assess my goodies then and there. I tore into that freezer pack like a child on Christmas… Will I like anything? Will it look like the pictures? I hope it’s not a sweater.

Well, I liked everything, minus a cold tuna salad that I gave to my hubs. It looked fancy and gourmet and beautiful. And they didn’t send me a single sweater. Continue reading →

I’m Trying the Newest Dieting Trend – Wish Me Luck

In my burb, DeliverLean is the new big thing. Once everyone had gotten sick of the juice fasts – which I never tried, because I like to chew. And once everyone realized getting a colonic was nothing like going to the spa (Skipped that too, though I was tempted to go for the celebrity sighting aspect, “Hello Ben and Matt.”), people were ready to find something with more longevity and less nakedness. Continue reading →

Cat People vs Dog People Will There Ever Be a Truce?

Often people are one or the other… in terms of their feelings about pets, hence the terms “dog person,” “cat person.” Frankly, as a rare “both person,” I often wonder, the way I do about the East Coast/West Coast rap rivalry, why can’t we all just get along?

Unfortunately, we never can. Well, not until dog people are willing to see the cat people’s side? What makes that endeavor harder is that most people who aren’t cat people are actually anti-cat people.

They’re wondering what’s enjoyable about having an animal that doesn’t know it’s name. Which (for all you anti-cat people) is not true, they know their names, they just choose to ignore you when you use them, so that you’re always aware, they have the upper hand… paw.

Cat people are also the victims of ruthless discrimination and stereotyping. In which cat people are believed to be: losers, uncool, lazy, empty nesters, old maids substituting cats for children … BLOGGERS. Cat people are thought to be creepy collectors of felines or feline replicas: sculptures, wood carvings, tee shirts, meme pics… And if they’re men, they don’t make good husbands because they’ll probably confess to you years into marriage that they are in fact, gay.

These things are rarely true. Except the meme pics, I think we can all agree that they’re worth liking and sharing.

And in defense of marrying cat people, Continue reading →

The Suburban Jungle

Jenny from the Blog is like comedy crack, but more addictive and less wack.