According to the barrista at my Starbucks, I’m an awesome wife. No, I’m not putting out for lattes like I once threatened to do and I’m certainly not ironing clothes for the lady who swipes my card –or even my husband for that matter. I simply showed up at 7:45 AM to buy my husband his coffee on Father’s Day. The staff at my Starbucks were taking bets on how many of their regular customer’s wives would show up for a Father’s Day coffee run. The results: 2. Yep, 2 wives, myself included. They cheered when I entered, “Jenny, I knew I could count on you,” the manager said. I thought I’d won a prize, maybe a frappe “my way?” It seems I deserved one; when I walked in to get my coffee the next morning they were still talking about it. They were talking about how shocked they were that on Mother’s Day they saw all the dads with the kids, letting moms sleep in and on Father’s Day the husbands still got the coffee. I guess the men are the “weekend coffee getters” in our society. Sure, they used to be hunters and gatherers, protectors, and providers, but now apparently getting coffee is as manly a task as we can bestow on our husbands. Continue reading
Tag Archives: humor
My Most “Crush”ing and Embarrassing Moment | Jenny From the Blog
Didn’t we all have adolescent obsessions that bordered on stalking or was that just me? This story will make your embarrassing moments seem way less embarrassing! It’s that bad, I’ve never spoken of it.
As you may have noticed from some of my posts, I have a flair for the dramatic. I recall an experience of such exaggerated intensity with my first crush. For the sake of the blog and the fact that some of my readers will know him, I’ll call him Eric, Eric Axel. This pseudonym is not exactly cryptic, it‘s about 2 letters off from his actual name. Look, I pursued him like an obsessed stalker I’m sure it’s no surprise to him.
This was old school stalking I’m referring to: no technology, no cell phone, or FB, or twitter, or my space. I’m talking about the kind of stalking that took time and effort and premeditation, something to tell your grandchildren about.
So, I’m gonna rip off the Band-Aid, that is this repressed memory, and let the healing begin. I was in the 7th grade and I was in love. “Love” love. Continue reading
Excuse Me Miss Your N}pple is Showing
Wow, if I had a nickel for every time I said that… I’d have a nickel. Like, Katherine Heigl, Tara Reed, and Janet Jackson before her, this woman’s wardrobe malfunction was someone else’s eye candy. Well, in this case I wouldn’t call it eye candy, though I must admit, I stared at her nipple for quite some time. In a train wreck kinda way, while I debated my moral obligation as a fellow female. At first, I thought I should say nothing. She clearly spent serious man hours getting those boobs to bust out of her bra and reveal the tattoo of a phoenix emblazoned across them. But, as I stared at the protruding circumference, I couldn’t help but think, “I hope someone would have the decency to point out my nipple peeking from my bra. Sure, it would be more embarrassing to hear it than to say it. And she would probably dislike me for pointing it out (no one likes the messenger,) but like the girls who go on the Bachelor always say, “I wasn’t there to make friends.” – which is totally true, I rarely seek new companions in line at the register.
After about 10 minutes of internal turmoil, I took a deep breath and whispered the words I hope not to utter often in my life. “Excuse me ma’am, your nipple is showing” Continue reading
Don’t Ogle the Swim Instructor Unless He Teaches Your Child How to Swim
Read on for a hilarious story about a desperate housewife and $5 off each swim lesson.
For clarification, this is not Mr. Jeff
My five year old little flower, has a tendency to be a bit… Valley Girl. I don’t know if it’s all the Bratz movies influencing her to make phone calls that start with OMG and end with TTYL, but it’s something. I certainly don’t handle calls to my friends that way, though I did tend to write SWAK on the back of every letter I sent from camp. Whatever the cause, the attitude has made giving her any kind of lesson, or even the smallest smidgen of constructive criticism, near impossible.
As she was nearing five, I decided it was time to teach her how to swim. I live in Florida, so this is an endeavor that I started at the Y when she was six months old. At that time, she bawled so hysterically that I decided she didn’t need to be a So. FL. water-baby like my neighbors’ kids, who could swim across the pool to be breast fed. Continue reading
How to Stop Nagging -Ask Jenny From the Blog
In The Suburban Jungle’s newest segment: Ask Jenny From the Blog, I answer important marriage and parenting questions with honesty, and wit. Please do not hold me responsible for tantrums or divorce.
Recently a friend asked, “How do I stop nagging my husband?” I used the decade of marriage as a basis for my answer and gave it to her straight, “You don’t. You just learn to nag more efficiently.” The definition of nagging is to ask or criticize someone repetitively, to the point of being bothersome. Well, if they learned the first time you said it, you would be a brilliant wife and he would be husband of the year. Let me impart a truth I have discovered after a 10 years of nagging. You have to train a husband, which is not unlike training a puppy. Except that a husband takes much much longer. If you saw my 6 month old puppy actually chewing the wall, this truth could send you running for the hills.
The key is to open the lines of communication and reward rather than reprimand. I know that sounds cheesy and Dr. Philee, but it is something you may not realize until you’ve wasted much time trying to mold your man through bitter seething complaints and snide remarks.
I am still training my husband… everyday. If I had known when I was first married what I know now, I think I would be giving much less correction, and much more Snausages. I remember the conversation that started a new path to less nagging. It was not so long ago. I said, “there has to be some word, some signal that I can give to tell you that I am about to complain and possibly correct something you’ve done. The signal would imply that what I am about to say may be critical and will most definitely annoy the crap out of you. I know that, but I must get it off my chest if I am to remain happy. I need you to hear me without sneering, ignoring, focusing on a mindless commercial or diverting your attention towards the kids.
Seems easy right, asking someone to listen and absorb when alerted to do so? Well, men are stubborn creatures. So, to make it fair, I agreed that the signal could be whatever he chose, as long as he agreed to open his ears and keeps his eyes from rolling. He decided I should say, “I suck and you are awesome.” Please, is that the best you can do? In return for your full attention, I would have said, “I’m a psycho bitching wife who doesn’t deserve such a strapping specimen of a man, while flashing you and doing a jig, but we’ll just go with your suggestion.”
This is your chance to set some ground rules and have some fun while doing it. Pick a signal that is totally disarming and let him know that the only person who hates nagging more than he does is you. Most importantly, when he does a good job, don’t forget the praise… and the Snausages.
Please send questions to [email protected]
Disclaimer- Jenny is not a trained professional! Though you may find her brilliant and insightful, she has been called odd and insane. Please keep that in mind when following any of her advice. Also, no animals were harmed in the writing of this piece (in case you were wondering.)
Why is it so Hard to Cancel a Gym Membership
Why is it so hard to cancel a gym membership when it’s so easy not to use it?
In light of the recent findings that say women must workout 1 hour per day, I’ve decided to revamp my workout schedule. First on the list… Leave the Athletic Club, which I have not used in a year…then use the money I’m saving to buy bigger clothes.
Things That Make You Go HMMM | Jenny From the Blog
Okay, so this is one of those things that makes me go hmmm? It also makes me seek first aid.
Dear Inconsiderate Woman Who Woos my Dog,
I need to express a grievance, but I’m having trouble putting it into words, mainly because we don’t speak the same language. Could you please refrain from making kissy noises when I am riding my bike with my dog in tow. The last couple times I have taken my dog for a bike ride you have been in the garage next door, cleaning. Though I have not assessed their garage, I don’t recall it being so dirty, but I digress.
You seem to find my dog attractive, and have a habit of calling him in a lip smacking “come ‘ere boy” kind of chant. Has it not dawned on you that I am on my bike and attached to my dog by a leash when you trying to woo him to you? Continue reading
Women Need to Exercise 1 Hour Per Day to Maintain
-Like us moms don’t already have enough to do.
A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association claims that women will gain weight with age unless they lower their caloric intake or get in a hefty 6o MINUTES of exercise EACH DAY! Are they serious? Workout 60 minutes to maintain? Let’s talk about the word maintain, because they’re certainly not talking about sanity maybe they’re talking about resentment. I will definitely maintain resentment toward these researchers for publishing this horrifying news.
The truth is, I know few moms who can get in a daily shower, let alone the current 30 minutes of suggested workout time; now they’ve decided to double it? That’s it, I’m boycotting. Oh yeah, I’ll show them, I’m gonna halt activity all together. Yep, I’ll lead a completely sedentary life; only frequenting places that have valet and those electric carts inside, to ride on. Continue reading
How to Steam Up Your Sex Life, Steam Out Your Pores, and Steam Clean Your Carpets
Every women’s magazine has its version of a “How To Have (insert saucy adjective here)” sex list, most of which make me feel like I should keep an extinguisher by the bed, along with a bucket of cold water to douse on myself and my partner when we begin to spontaneously combust from sheer passion. “How to Keep Your Love Life Hot, and Your Sex Life in Flames.” “10 Ways to Reignite Your Marriage.” “How To Turn Up the Heat In the Bedroom, Without Singeing the Sheets.” (Oh, I like that last one)
I will actually disband the relationship myths propagated by magazines, and give it to you straight. The side effect of such truth could be the shockingly unsatisfying revelation that your unsatisfying sex life is just that… unsatisfying. If you are faint of heart or an optimist, stop reading now.
When you have babies, sex is often not so hot… or often for that matter.
Tip From a Writer with No Sense of Reality: Time your trysts around nap time. Snarky Response: There is nothing women like more, when trying to have an orgasm, than the sense of pressure and urgency that having time constraints puts on the experience. Nighttime is better, IF you can work in a romp around heavy eyelids. Little babies make for long days restless nights and disinterest
Do realize that once the kids are out of the crib, the question isn’t if we get caught, but rather when? You’re just counting the days, I mean lays, until you must explain why Daddy is wrestling with Mommy… naked. “Well you see, Mommy tripped and her clothes fell off, and Daddy was trying to help her up. Oh, and he took off his clothes so she wouldn’t be embarrassed.” So, please have a better story than that.
Tip From a Writer Who Clearly Has No Children: “Set the mood.” You know candles, aromatic massage oils, and sexy lingerie. Brutal Honesty Response: If there is no lingering gas odor in the room and you’re in an old t-shirt without any holes, work your dimmer switch and voila… ambiance. Better yet, realize the TV is a beautiful source of ambient light. If you can get the volume to an audible level, you can work in sex without giving up Grays Anatomy. It’s called multi-tasking, something we moms are all too familiar with.
As for a massage, I’m lucky if I don’t get one of my kids’ left over Dorito corners embedded in my thigh. The sexy part is when I ask my husband to flick it out and slide the remaining crumbs off my tush like sand paper. Does that count as a massage? Well, arguably, it’s more like an exfoliation, but it’s undeniably hot.
Tip From a Writer Whose Kids are Not Involved in 500 Activities: A date night once a week. Reality Check Response: I like this one, because in theory it is legitimately a good idea. It’s definitely worth trying every week, but unfortunately, it assumes that there will be a night each week when no one is sick or has an event, that there is a babysitter available, and neither of you are too tired or worn out to go to dinner –A meal in which most your conversation will revolve around the kids.
Tip From a Writer With More Than 24hrs in Her Day: (My personal fave.) Don’t forget the foreplay. Multitasking Mom Response: Really? As it is, I have to have sex while catching up on my Tivo, reading US Weekly, having a healthy protein snack, and repeating the words, “lettuce, milk, eggs” over and over until I can get to a pen. Now I have to add something else to my repertoire? We forgot foreplay a long time ago. Well, my husband didn’t, he calls it brushing his teeth… which I am thankful for.
Tip that Makes me Say, “Are You Out of Your Cotton Pickin’ Mind?” –That’s right I said cotton pickin’ and I meant it! Start Your Day With a Bang So, you’ve had a long day and the odds that you’re going to be up for a raucous romp, or even a guilt induced one, are slim. Set your alarm an hour earlier and have an uninterrupted top-o-the-morning. Bitchy Unsensored Response: First of all, what ambitious magazine writers think an hour is necessary? Six minutes would do the trick and still, I’m not down with that idea. Do you know what I like to do before I wake up in the morning? SLEEP!
Do yourself a favor, throw out those, “spice it up” manuals and top 10 lists. Don’t be too concerned about the quantity of the sex you’re having. You have to figure out what works for you. I recall a friend asking, “Do you ever wake up to your husband having sex with you?” I remember thinking, “No, in my house, we call that rape.” Now I’m thinking, “Hey, whatever works.” If you can have a roll in the hay while hitting the hay, consider yourself a professional multi-tasker.
Question of the Day: What’s the best “Spice up Your Sex Life” tactic you’ve learned since you had children? Please Comment and leave your twitter handle (I’ll be sure to follow:))
The Germiest Place on Earth: The Pediatrician’s Office
Today, I took my daughter to the pediatrician for her 5 year check up. I know I probably should have been concerned about how she was going to freak out about the 4 vaccines and finger prick that are required to move on to Kindergarten, but I was too preoccupied what she was touching in the waiting room. I am one of those irrational parents that is forced by serious neurosis to take my kids to the doctor over every phlegmy cough. Unfortunately, I am also one of those parents who is quite sure that bringing kids to the doctor’s office pretty much guaranties that they pick up some other snotty kid’s infection, which is far worse than their own. So, you can imagine how going in for a well-check really throws me for a loop.
As I surveyed the waiting room, I noticed that the plastic kitchen in the corner was dripping with mucus. No, I didn’t bring my black light but, a baby had just finished mouthing the oven handle and I’m quite sure his sister picked her nose and tried to cook her reward in the faux microwave. Continue reading
Minutia Mom -The World’s Awesomest Superhero
It has recently dawned on me that somewhere along the way, my sense of accomplishment became a product of my ability to be a good homemaker. The creative energies I once used to design jewelry and dress celebs are now spent trying to build intricate forts and streamline the laundry process. For instance, I’ve found that by rolling towels one can save considerable folding time, while providing the added benefit of a spa-like appearance.
When did this happen? When did I accept the job as Master of the Mundane? I remember the ad, it read: Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex to employer. Person will be overworked and underappreciated. It is preferred that you have no prior experience or references. Always on duty. Will pay nothing. Continue reading
My Wakeup Call that the Economy is Officially Kicking my Ass
On Monday morning while half asleep and lying in bed, I reached for the remote, as I do every morning before my daughter wakes up and begs to play “Barbies.” I gently squeezed the “ON” button and received a wakeup call that I could not push “Snooze” on. Your lifestyle is going down the toilet, well actually it said, You No Longer Have Direct TV Service. Please Call Us, Deadbeat! Okay, there was no “deadbeat,” but all of the above was implied. In a frenzy, I switched to my “Tivo List” looking for a prerecorded episode of Jersey Shore, to calm my nerves, but the Tivo service was also, no longer available. “WHY?” “Say it isn’t so.” and “What does this mean?” escaped my lips almost simultaneously. Hello, the Bachelor narrows his bevy of possible flight attendants down to 12 ladies tonight, and what am I supposed to do while that’s happening… read?
Maybe this isn’t the first sign of my financial woes. Has the proverbial alarm been buzzing and I’ve been sleeping through it? Is it possible that being down to one credit card, that I randomly opened at Costco, was some kind of indicator that times are tough? Is the credit card Roulette I play at check out not a real game? You know, when you grab a card from your wallet at random and pray you don’t hear the dreaded “You’re Declined” which is followed by mental buzzer, while the contestant –me– fishes through for another possible loser to swipe.
Now, in hindsight I feel almost silly. I think there may have been other signals I missed. Like when we cut out our annual vacations, or when we lost our savings in the market. Darn it, have I just been phoning it in? I’m not sure if those other signs are worth investigating, but the thought of missing the new Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice crossover (that they haven’t stopped touting) could send anyone into a deep over-advertising induced depression.
In response to my wakeup call, I’ve done what any pop culture/ TV addict would do. I pulled out my Costco American Express and called it in. I know, it’s not tightening the purse strings, but I intend to skip grocery buying this week to make up for the loss. Eating is overrated… especially after the holidays. The truth is, I have a perfectly tasty cat just walking around the house. Taunting me like a steak on wheels. That’s ridiculous, why would I eat my cat when my dog is 40lbs heavier? I may be poor, but I’m not stupid.