i Have an iLove iHate Relationship with the Apple Store. (A little Apple Store humor for frustrated customers who really kinda love that place, like me.)
Last week, I took a trip to the Apple store. Oh, the Apple store. It’s like a Dylan’s Candy Bar for adults. Like it’s namesake, in the Garden of Eden, or in the hands of Snow White’s evil stepmother, APPLE was so inviting… so enticing. There it was, in all of its overcrowded, 8 gazillion watt minimalistic splendor. Continue reading
Every summer, many of my Gen X cohorts and I, were carted off to sleepaway camps across the country. We packed our trunks, made sure we had as many flip up collar polo style shirts as possible and headed off for 2-8wks of re-wording pop songs, crushing on counselors with British accents, and dressing up as Madonna and Michael Jackson . This summer I’m going to back to camp, with my kids.
Let me restate that so that you can process it… My kids are going to Camp Lenox in Massachusetts and I’m freakin’ following them — because something is so very wrong with me… and so I can write about the camp experience from a mom’s POV (while I slowly go insane).
Sooo, while thinking about how I’ll survive camp the 2nd time around (as an adult who likes morning lattes and pillow top beds with box springs… and roads), I started to reminisce about what it was like the first time around.
Here it is: Hey Gen Xer, you were probably a camper if…
1. If you can finish most of these songs: Shave and a haircut… Everywhere we go-oh people wanna know-oh… John Jacob Jingle… Hello Muddah hello…
2. If you understand the utter and complete joy of receiving a care package. I mean, equal to winning the lottery kinda joy. And hoped for booty like: Easy Cheese, Pop Rocks, Ring Pops, Dweebs (Nerd’s cousins), Whistle Pops, Wax Bottles, Dots… and the motherload – dry packets of Kool Aid, Jello or Fun Dip. Continue reading
OK people, just know that the following totally embarrassing video was done for you! So, I hope you appreciate it enough to send me shoes and cash and Thank You notes and share with others whose bladders are not what they once were. Not that you know the state of other people’s bladders, but it’s safe to say if they’ve birthed children and are living on a planet with gravity, they’re effected or will be. Enjoy…
NO JUDGEMENTS! JUST KNOW, I AM NOT ALONE, It’s true – Estimates find that 25 million women have light bladder leakage or athletic leaks.
A note about Just Go Girl (who awesomely sponsored this week’s confession). These pads were made for – women like us who’re active and not sitting on a sofa ordering off HSN all day. It’s why they’re thong shaped and thin and aren’t visible from behind, even in yoga pants, which is perfect.
I know, everything is better in a chart, right?
You can order samples here and Just Go Girl to send me those Thank You notes and shoes and shares we discussed earlier (I think my sacrifice was worth it).
XO ~ Jenny From the Blog
As a parent, you know there are certain words and phrases you can’t wait to hear. Ones that will fill your heart with total joy — like the first utterance of “Mama” or “Dada” — so sweet, so loving, so innocent and you’re pretty sure everything they say from then on will be total perfection.
And thennnnnn they learn the word “NO” and your like, “fuck they talk back?” Then they add a foot stamp or a fall-to-the-floor tantrum maneuver and it hits you, they’re all bound to say and do this stuff — along with a slew of other stuff — and you’re screwed.
Yep there’s a whole list of words and phrases that you will absolutely dread hearing. You don’t even know you dread most of them yet, because you rarely give it any thought. So, being the neurotic over-thinker that I am, I thought about them for you. You’re welcome.
Here you go (in quasi-alphabetical order)…
No!
I drew you a picture … on my wall/your sofa/the cat.
My fish is resting on its back.
Look, I gave myself a haircut.
Your kisses don’t really make it better.
You’re not the boss of me.
I wish (insert name of mom who let’s her kids do anything your kids can’t do) was my mommy.
I wanna sleep in your room … again.
There’s no such thing as the Tooth Fairy, Santa … The Easter Bunny.
Mom, I can read bedtime stories myself now.
The nurse said I have lice.
You don’t have to tuck me in/snuggle/hold my hand anymore.
So and so said we could have one of their (hamster/guinea pig/gerbil insert rodent here)’s babies.
Drop me off here, so no one sees you.
Mom stop, you’re embarrassing me.
No one likes me.
You’ll never guess what movie so and so’s mom let us see.
You wouldn’t understand.
Everyone else is allowed to.
I’m too old to dress up for Halloween.
I think I just got my period.
Please knock from now on.
Things were different when you were a kid (bonus if they say, “in your day”)
It’s time to go for my driving test.
Meet my boyfriend/girlfriend.
I think I’m ready for contraception?
I hate you. *Slams door*
See you for Thanksgiving break.
I got a tattoo, an ear-hole stretchy thing, my tongue/belly button/lip/nipple or eyebrow pierced.
The last of my things are all packed up.
A couple of those made me kinda teary, like the last scene in Toy Story 2. I’m just hoping I’ll know how to deal with them when they happen.
Spill – What have you heard or do you dread hearing from the babes?
So this incident actually happened and I’m pretty sure it was not a coincidence… we can file it under the heading – How to Scar Your Tween for Life 101 – Is that a class? I should probably teach it.
Yesterday, I put up a piece about how to screw up your kids and I also did a piece for SmartBeautyGuide on adult breakouts — and in some weird twist of events I had an incident that was a weird mash-up of the two, in the most amusing way possible. Well, amusing for me, not my tween. I was driving J to the bus stop, which is within our gated community and about 200 yards from my house.
Me: Dude (I call him dude in an attempt to seem all casual with him, and I’m pretty sure it also makes me seem awesomely cool – if it were the 90s)… Dude, you should really walk to the bus stop in the morning.. it’s literally like a block away.
J: No way, it’s too far. Continue reading
(WARNING: DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME, IF YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE OLD)
One moment of creatively messing with your kiddos (for your own amusement) could potentially last a lifetime (see Jimmy Kimmel).
After clicking on an article titled How to Emotionally Fuck Up Your Kids, I realizing it wasn’t what I expected. Yes, I was looking for the witty list of inventive ways parents could wield their awesome powers (not that they would).. Though the piece I read was scientifically sound (who believes science anyway?) I wanted to read my version. Sadly that meant I’d have to write it.
Well, I’ve already written lists, which I’m sure you’ve read, ahem, about the lies we tell our kids to stay sane and the Momisms we trick them with so, why not?
That said, here it is: 13 Guaranteed Ways to Emotionally F*ck Up Your Kids (My Version) Continue reading
(This is the true story of a Mother’s Day past – written while events unfolded on that particular Mother’s Day. Some names have been changed for no reason whatsoever.)
On Mother’s Day I’m officially the Queen. I know this because when I awoke, I mean, when my children woke me at 8A, they said, “We let you sleep in Mom, now wake up because you’re the Queen today.” I’m sure Queens wakes up at 8AM on the days they sleep in too. Continue reading
Time for a little Barbie nostalgia: How many of these did you have/want/remember? What am I missing from this almost perfect list of the best Barbie Stuff Ever?
Growing up I was a total Barbie Girl – I played with Barbie and her friends way longer than I should’ve. Over the years I’ve come across one or two of my old (but still totally awesome) Barbies and passed them down to my Barbie girl, Ry (though she usually makes me be them in our games, as they’re a bit rattier than her newer shinier models). Continue reading
The best Mother’s Day ever – the gift of laughter… I mean lying, the gift of lying. A child who’s been brainwashed, ahem, slightly nudged into making complimentary statements. It’s the gift that keeps on giving…
Let’s face it, kids are brutally honest. For instance I had no idea my butt was so jiggly until my daughter nicely informed me. (OK fine, I knew, but I didn’t need it pointed out.)
My kids also say lovely stuff like, “Mommy, I’m lucky, you’re way more fun than the other mothers” or “Mommy, I bet when we go out, people think we’re sisters.”
When my little ones say stuff like that, the result is sheer unadulterated joy, which is why I’m inventing Rosetta Stone (Mother’s Day Edition) so that we can all feel that love everyday. Yep, I’ll be putting a multitude of beautiful sentiments (we wish our children would utter) on cassette, CD, MP3, 8-Track and those odd tiny tapes that came with 80s answering machines … so that our kids (via our mates or parents or anyone else willing to shell out the $499.00 I’m charging) can be brainwashed into showering us with enough kind remarks to last a lifetime, or at least until next Mother’s Day, when we’ll be expecting a new piece of jewelry.
That’s right, in no time your kids will be speaking fluent “Mother” with popular phrases like: “Mommy, I know I can be exhausting … shall I pour you Cab or Chard?” and “Mommy, even though you can’t seem to convert fractions into decimals, I still think you’re smarter than daddy.”
Here are some of the other amazing things your children will be repeating like parrots in no time:
Well, help me become a billionaire … Ask someone to buy you my Mother’s Day Edition of Rosetta Stone and feel free to add any phrase you’d like to hear below (for an extra grand I’ll add them to your personal set). I feel the money rolling in… (And be on the lookout for the Mom of a Tween edition where you will actually get “yes” or “no” responses to questions and a trusty Grunt to English guide to decipher all the wonderful things your tween will be whispering under his/her breath!)
GO JOIN THE INSANITY ON FACEBOOK — AND ALSO PLEASE TAKE A SEC TO SHARE OR LIKE! XO
This week on my Facebook Page, I’ve been having a Gen X Heartthrob Smackdown (sorry to my male non-gay readers). Anyhoo, I’m doing it because I’m tired of seeing my hub and his friends have all the fun with their NCAA brackets … and also because I’m bored. Continue reading
When Mark and I moved into our home, I was obsessed with making it perfection. I painted it myself in trendy hues. I placed unread books on bookshelves and organized them by color simply for the aesthetic. I set up little vignettes on counters in groups of three to make my home seem chic, yet warm, you know, a cross between make yourself comfortable and maybe you shouldn’t touch that? Continue reading
Here’s the progression of pretty much every child on “Take Your Child To Work Day,” which in my house has become, “let your kids stay home for no reason and entertain them while you get nothing done day” but, there was a time when my kids went to the office with Mark and it went something like this. (I imagine it looks the same in offices across the land):