Tag Archives: funny

A Tale of Two Titties – Mine (A Hilarious Breast Cancer Awareness Month Tale and Reminder)

After a lump scare in my late-20′s, I learned that all lumps are not the C-word and it’s totally okay to get to 2nd base with yourself!

two tittiesLet me tell you a tale, a tale of two titties (oh, how that word makes me cringe, but it’s so much better for the pun)…

After finding a pea sized lump and getting a needle biopsy, I was told that like the several million other young women with fibrous breast tissue, I would be required to get a yearly mammogram and ultrasound.

I’d heard horrible tales of the mammogram and it’s crushing pain. I feared the impending torture and dreaded that, what little my child bearing and breastfeeding had left unscathed, would be permanently altered.

By the time my appointment had rolled around, the fear of having something less benign than a fibroid cyst had started to set in, as well.  If I can produce one kind of growth with no knowledge of it, why can’t I produce another kind?

While contemplating in the waiting room, I saw a woman, not a day under 100.  OK, if she can do this, so can I, I thought, resigned to get through this. Continue reading →

5 Things Gen X-ers Did Growing Up That Our Children Just Wouldn’t Understand

5 things 80s kids did growing upI recently made a list of crazy things Gen X-ers used growing up that are completely antiquated now.

It reminded me of the conversations I would have with my older relatives when I was growing up. The ones where they would tell these fantastical tales about things my generation would never experience or understand. Like, walking 20 miles to school … in the snow … uphill … shoeless. Or running into gypsy bandits that lived in the woods near their house or even sitting around the radio to listen to their stories.

Those sagas seemed so ridiculous to me (exaggeration aside), and yet, I’m pretty confident that my tales of growing up as a Gen X-er would sound equally ridiculous to my own offspring. Yes, I imagine these are the yarns I will spin as my kids grow up and they have kids of their own.

“Well, youngin’s, you think you’ve got it tough with your Facebook and your Google and your iParaphernalia? Why, in my day, we had to …” Continue reading →

80s Characters From My Childhood Then And Now – What Happened?

rainbow brite ecard

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You guys probably already know this, aside from being a stressed out mom, I’m a Gen X Lifestyle Expert, which means part of my job entails nostalgically recalling all the fun things that came out from the 70s, 80s, and 90s … and I do so with love and a somewhat sick obsession. Which is why I can’t understand why all the totally awesome characters that were popular with my generation needed to be glittered, glammed, and slutified for my kids.

Do you remember the innocence of Polly Pocket, how she just bent at her midsection? The chubby cheeks of a Rainbow Brite and her color gang? Of course you do, because that was what made them adorable and innocent, like we were (or claimed to be… Barbie and Ken had a lot of nude makeout sessions in my Barbie Dreamhouse).

They didn’t look like they were on their way to go clubbing with Ke$ha. They didn’t have curves and they certainly didn’t don body-hugging unitards that Miley would call too racy for an awards show performance.

I get it, I’ve seen how racy and slutty are in these days, hello MTV awards.  Look, my daughter is currently obsessed with Bratz, which are pretty much the sluttiest Barbie-esque dolls ever! Not only do they scream “No means yes,” their accessories include cocktails and cellphones, though it looks like some of them should come with an IUD instead … or at least a morning-after pill. To keep up with the sexified doll craze and the Disney stars gone porn, it seems the nostalgic characters of our youth are trying to enter the clubs scene, the kid’s club scene, that is.

Here’s proof:

Continue reading →

Dealing with Tweens 101 – Play it Cool and Avoid Miley Cyrus

miley wrecking ball

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently, my 11yo son made me watch Miley Cyrus’s “We Can’t Stop” and “Wrecking Ball” videos. He felt that I had to see them to believe them. Now, if you haven’t seen the videos, let’s just say one is a lot of twerking and writhing and what we use to call “freaking” and “dry humping” (way back in the 80s). Plus a little girl on girl innuendo and a lot of Miley’s scantily clad body rubbing up against things like she’s trying to itch a yeast infection without using her hands.

Continue reading →

When Moms Are Sick vs. When Dads Are Sick

moms sick vs. dads sick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For four days I’ve been sick.  Nothing crazy — just the usual sore throat, coughing, fatigue kind of thing, maybe a fever … but since not one of our thermometers says the same temperature I can only guesstimate that I’m somewhere between 97.1 and 108.2. 

What’s most amazing is that in those four days, the world miraculously kept spinning. My children’s schedules did not disappear, nor did mine.  They made it to camp, and to baseball, to the orthodontist. They didn’t suffer from starvation because I decided to forgo grocery shopping, or making them breakfast, or packing their lunches; so that I could lie around and do something totally trivial, like recuperate. No, life as we know it, went on.

Last night, I gleefully turned out the lights at around 11PM, Continue reading →

A Conversation To Test My Parenting Ability and I Think I Failed

(This conversation actually happened after a Daddy Daughter Day when my daughter was about 3 … that’ll teach me to leave them alone together for long periods of time.)

At about 2am, Ry wanted called me into her room because she couldn’t sleep until she got some important answers to pressing concerns. She is so insightful in the wee hours. I guess watching some of her older brother’s movies with her dad had sparked important questions about survival.

Ry: If a laser hit a kid what would happen?”

Now let’s not forget it’s 2am and I’m trying sleep while answering these serious questions.

Me: Well, there are lots of different types of lasers. Some can help your skin or your body, and they don’t really hurt at all. Mommy knows this because she wants to get broken capillaries zapped and hair removed and dark spots lightened… (imagine me trailing off into lovely dream about having all the areas on my face and body zapped back into their 20s).

Ry: Nooo I meeaan the laser in the Super Mario Bros movie that Luigi shot at the mouse and made his ship explode?

Me: Ah, that kind of laser, the kind that isn’t aesthetically useful at all (what a waste). Well, I guess it would hurt, but those lasers don’t really exist.

Ry: But, Luigi had one.

Me: Yes, but that’s just made up.

Ry: What about sharks? They’re not made up … they exist right?

Me: Yes.

Now, I’m officially awake, much to my dismay. But every mom knows a fear of sharks can ruin all good beachy vacations until the time when the kids are too old to want to vacation with you anymore!

Ry: Could a kid get eaten by a shark?

Me: (Careful Jenny) Ummmmmmm I guess, but they don’t usually eat people, ‘cause we taste yucky.

Ry: I don’t taste yucky, I’m sweet.That’s why the mosquitoes bite me, and Daddy is sweet, but you and J are sour.

Oh, we’re sour alright, especially at 2am when we’re trying to tread lightly into shark infested waters…

Ry: What about electricity? Could that fire?

Ahhh, a quick transition, fear of sharks averted (for now) gotta love toddlers.

Me: Huh?  (I questioned, as I realized this was about to go into what happens to people when they are electrocuted or on fire.)

Ry: If a dragon falls in a fire what would happen?

Another surprising digression. Phew.

Me: Well, dragons breathe fire, so they probably have super thick skin and I bet they would be just fine.

Ry: Like a seal? A seal has skin like a dragon, so a seal would be okay if it was on fire, right?

Me: Right.

Please do not judge me, how am I supposed to talk about seals on fire at 2 am? Who knows where that could go? So I played it safe.

Ry: How about a kitty, cause they are soft and furry. What if a kitten was on fire?

Holy crap! I played it safe and it went there??? I’m working on 40% of my brain power and I’ve just been asked what would happen to an adorable fluffy little kitty if it was on fire.  Awesome!

Me: OK then … it is really time to go to sleep now. We’ll talk about this tomorrow (never).

Well, I’m pretty sure I failed that test of my parenting ability! I’m soooo much better at multiple choice … Scantron? Bluebook? I mean, give a mom a fighting chance here!

Make me feel better, when have you dropped the ball?

If You’ve Ever Been There, Please Like/Share

XO – Jenny From the Blog

Things That Made Guys HOT in The 80s – What Were We Thinking?

It’s funny, I used to be attracted to many different things than I am now (a decade into marriage). Back in the 80s, a mullet might have been enough to get my heart racing (Stop judging, I meant, a nice mullet OK? One that’s all feathery and flippy, not frizzy or straggly.)  Now, simply remembering trash day without a reminder is super hot.

I have to say, I never would’ve anticipated my prerequisites would become so boring, lackluster, cliche, unexciting, sad … (though, when I look back, the attributes I used to find sexy, desirable, and like, so awesome, are somewhat, um, embarrassing.

mullets

Did you not find these things sexy too?

This was Totally Hot in the 80s:

1.  Like I said: A mullet and not just any mullet, one with panache, one with style, one that was well maintained, one with a mind of its own (like its owner). Think, Rob Lowe in St. Elmos Fire, or John Stamos on Full House or … let’s give props to the best mullet of all time … James Spader’s a la Pretty in Pink.

2.  If you could quote movies, you were a stud. I’m serious, anything from “Can you describe the ruckus?” to “I guess I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue” to Continue reading →

40 Things Gen Xers Did Growing Up -That Our Kids Will Never Need to Do

40 Things Gen Xers Did that Our Kids WIll Never Need to Do

Last night, as Ry, my 9yo daughter ran out of the room to grab a blanket she yelled, “Mom, press pause, OK?”

“Um, I would … if we weren’t playing cards.”

Did she really ask me to press pause during a game of UNO?

Kids are so used to being able to can control anything with the push of a button –they can “stop,” and “pause,” and “delete,” and “restart” pretty much anything, including their toothbrushes. It makes playing a game like UNO in this day and age seem pretty archaic.

As a child, I recall hearing Baby Boomers talk about watching black and white television, listening to radio soap operas, or playing 78rpm records … and thinking how totally obsolete those activities are to my generation. As an adult, I realize there were so many things Gen Xers did as a children that my children would currently find beyond antiquated and obsolete or better yet, wouldn’t even understand the need for in the first place.

Here are just a few things my kids will never have to do (some of which I enjoyed very much):

  1. Ignore the B-side
  2. Mail a letter
  3. Use all their fingers to type
  4. Fill an ice tray
  5. Get up to turn the channel (while possibly walking across static causing shag carpets, no less).
  6. Survive with only 4 channels
  7. Blow on a video game cartridge. I still do this with scratched DVDs — it makes my kids laugh.
  8. Write notes in class
  9. Learn to spell
  10. Get information from reference books
  11. Be a part of a family decision in which you decide whether to buy a Beta or VHS player
  12. Write a check
  13. See #11 but sub in Atari and Coleco
vision Continue reading →

My New Trick To Make Me Seem Like the Perfect Parent and Spouse

In  the post, I’m Freakin June Cleaver Gosh Darn’it, I realized that when you translate anything you say into the 50s speak, it makes you seem really wholesome and attentive and frankly, perfect. You know, the way British accents make you sound smart?

That said, I shall tell you about my day, 50’s style (don’t worry, I’ll translate it back), so that you can see what a little “era tweaking” can do for your reputation as a mother and a wife. (We could all use a trick or two every once in a while, no?)

50s: My darling hubby gave me a sweet peck on the cheek before leaving for work. I handed him his lunchbox with the matching thermos and he tugged on my apron string popping the back open (such a kidder, that one).

Translation: My husband grunted something about “goodbye” as he walked out (not sure, I was still half asleep) he may have slapped me on the ass, don’t really know, too groggy to recall. Continue reading →

35 Reasons Moms are Late

35 reasons moms are late

I was never an incredibly punctual person, but but becoming a parent has put a whole new spin on my excuses for being late to meetings, school drop off, parties and appointments. As was made apparent in my “20 Momisms Translated” post, we moms have a lot in common… why should this be any different?

Back in the day, I was late because of the normal stuff, you know, my hair didn’t look just right, my alarm clock didn’t go off, there was traffic on 95… Now, between me barely keeping my head on straight and my kids being out of their minds, my excuses look more like this:

Sorry I’m late but …

1. My daughter’s socks hurt, or as she put it, her socks “hate her.”

2. All of a sudden, none of their shoes seemed to have a mate. NONE.

3. I couldn’t find my keys … they were in my pocket.

4. My kids were fighting over who got to sit in which seat.

5. My daughter’s fingernail was itchy.

6. My son decided to wrestle with the dog rather than simply walk out the door, so we had to roll off the fur, but I couldn’t find the lint roller, so I had to fashion one from masking tape and MacGyver it off.

7. Both my children had to make a last-minute poop.

8. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask where babies come from. Continue reading →

Why Can’t We Revive That 80s Style Adult Swim?

Gen Xers Remember Adult Swim - we hated it... now we wish they had it!

In the past 30 years, many accepted practices have changed. What people considered normal and safe back then — transporting your newborn in the front-seat, having a latchkey kid at age 6, and letting them explore the woods with no parental guidance — is pretty much grounds for arrest these days. But, in that simpler time they call the ’80s, there were some great ideas that I’m thinkin’ we should totally revive — the way Disney Channel stars have brought back overly-sequined attire, off-the-shoulder shirts, and leopard print day-glow leggings!

Thanks, Shake It Up, I can barely look at my daughter without retinal strain!

 

In honor of the passing of Memorial Day, I’d like to start with re-instituting “adult swim” (not the one on Cartoon network).  No, I’m talking about that 15 minute span when anyone who wasn’t shaving yet, had to evacuate the water and allow the older generation to have a civilized dip? AKA the worst part about going to the pool when you were a kid.

Now, as an adult, I realize Continue reading →