Tag Archives: Jenny Isenman

I’M OBSESSED With: Elizabeth Arden Ceramides and More

This week in my I’M OBSESSED column we’re talking delish anti-aging products, my new favorite gloss, and the best dry skin barrier cream — all perfect for summer and travel.

Elizabeth_Arden_Logo

A couple weeks back I was approached to try a yummy bag full of Elizabeth Arden products to see what I thought. I usually say no to these requests, unless I LOVE the company and because Elizabeth Arden makes one of my all time favorite anti-aging products: Prevage… I was in.

($159)

And … I’ve got three new obsessions.

1.  Ceramide Capsules Daily Youth Restoring Serum: Continue reading →

Why Can’t We Revive That 80s Style Adult Swim?

Gen Xers Remember Adult Swim - we hated it... now we wish they had it!

In the past 30 years, many accepted practices have changed. What people considered normal and safe back then — transporting your newborn in the front-seat, having a latchkey kid at age 6, and letting them explore the woods with no parental guidance — is pretty much grounds for arrest these days. But, in that simpler time they call the ’80s, there were some great ideas that I’m thinkin’ we should totally revive — the way Disney Channel stars have brought back overly-sequined attire, off-the-shoulder shirts, and leopard print day-glow leggings!

Thanks, Shake It Up, I can barely look at my daughter without retinal strain!

 

In honor of the passing of Memorial Day, I’d like to start with re-instituting “adult swim” (not the one on Cartoon network).  No, I’m talking about that 15 minute span when anyone who wasn’t shaving yet, had to evacuate the water and allow the older generation to have a civilized dip? AKA the worst part about going to the pool when you were a kid.

Now, as an adult, I realize Continue reading →

50 Like Totally Random Things I Remember as Like a Child of The 80s

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After writing a recent post on 15 things I’d never know if I weren’t a Gen Xer, I came to realize that as a child of the 80s, I’m some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the “Rain Man” of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I’ll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.

But I now see that I’m somewhat stuck in the ’80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I’d share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.

1. Being fairly certain you would one day marry: Scott Baio, Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett, River Phoenix, one of the Coreys, Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Jason Bateman, Kirk Cameron, Matt Dillon, Ricky Schroder, or Tom Cruise.

2.  Jumping on the eyes of the alligator with Pit Fall Harry.

3.  Thinking Flash Gordon had the best special effects ever.

4.  That coffee-flavored sucking candy all elderly people had (before anything coffee flavored was cool).

5.  The random Super Friends like the Apache Chief, Gleek, and Samurai.

6.  Screaming, “Oh my God, the girl in Sleepaway Camp has a penis!” Continue reading →

Push LIKE if You Have Skin – Plus 10 More Desperate FB Page Ideas

So sad he had to be shamed in public that way, but they moved the sofa and this is what they found. He's one sick puppy!

So sad she had to be shamed in public that way, but they moved the sofa and this is what they found. She’s one sick puppy! (From MyDumbDogs.wordpress.com)

Yesterday, I saw an ad in the sidebar of facebook for a page called “I Love My Children.” It simply read: “Push LIKE if you love your children.” What’s crazier is that 5 of my friends had already “LIKED” said page (you know how it shows you that too?).

Wow, ladies you LOVE your children? No way! I can’t even wrap my head around it because you totally seemed like the types to down right hate your children, but then you went and pushed that button and now I’m all, “Maybe I misjudged you.” “Maybe you’re the best moms, like ever!” “Maybe you could watch mine sometime.” Then of course it dawned on me how very many of you so called friends of mine clearly DO NOT love your children which you made abundantly clear by NOT pushing “like”!

PS – To my mom and dad (who are on FB): I knew it! Don’t expect calls on your birthdays either … a-holes.

Is it just me or has the social networking world has gone bat shit crazy! Continue reading →

What’s a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends?

What's a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends?“Well, Jenny cough again but harder this time,” said Dr. Pollen from her cushy position directly underneath me and looking up into my nether regions.  How did the doctor get such a view, you ask? I was on a special type of birthing chair (one that was probably used in the 1600s as they inquired as to whether you were a witch). Not only was there barely any seat to hold me up, I was hoisted about 6ft in the air, so that the doctor’s assistants (or people with weird fetishes who pay to be called doctor’s assistants, as I like to call them) were looking my vajajay dead in the eye, ahem, the labia. The doctor then sat on her stool and literally rolled underneath me as if she was checking out my chassis. Which makes sense because she did mention the need for a tune up.

Why would one sit on such a chair without being dared or paid? Because apparently I have all kinds of prolapse (that’s stuff caving in and falling down, to you and me) and I’ve been totes ignoring my pelvic floor, which is weird because I’m pretty good about taking care of my floors … waxing the wood ones, cleaning the grout on the stone… Actually I do have a cleaning person, so it would’ve been weird to ask her to attend to my pelvic floor after say, vacuuming. Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s let their pelvic floor slip through the cracks. Google says 40% of women are found to have stage II or greater prolapse upon pelvic exam. I read it on the internet people, so it must be true.

And yet, no one seems to discuss it. So, I am because A. “Vagina” is my favorite word to work into random conversation B. Doctors like to treat this issue with hysterectomies, which may not be necessary. C. If I pee on the floor while we’re having a conversation, you’ll already know why and we can just gloss over it and move on to the next topic. Continue reading →

April Fools Suckas – I Got You Good

warningsuckersIn honor of April fools I want to say something to you insolent chumps! For years I’ve been writing this blog, biding my time for this very moment: APRIL FOOLS!!!

Yes, all these years you’ve come here looking for my observations on the ironies of life … oh, I’ll give you irony.  I’ve completely duped you into thinking I’m just like you — a parent who can’t remember where I left my keys, nay, my kids … a quasi desperate housewife who may or may not make eyes at the pool guy, who can’t stand the way her husband leaves dishes by the sink, and who has ridiculous conversations with people while their nipples are showing (that happened more than once, hence the plurals). Continue reading →

Date Night Before Kids vs Date Night After

Date night now vs date night before kidsMany many things change after becoming a parent: Your outlook on life, your obsession with the application of sanitizer and sunblock, the intimacy of your marriage…

We still adore our men but our alone time has little resemblance to the hot dates we once had.  Wow, did we take those nights for granted!

Want proof?  Behold: Date Night Before Kids vs Date Night After

Before – Your nights out were dependent on no one else. You never waited around the house to see if someone would show up to watch your plants, your pets, or your furniture while you were gone.

After – Cancellation is always a strong possibility. It remains that way until the moment the actual babysitter arrives (even then it may be iffy).  At the very least you are never guaranteed to finish anything you start: dinner, a movie, a show … (Don’t check your coat.)

Before – You had time to put together the perfect outfit, blow out your hair and apply a glaze of pristine makeup, which you really didn’t need in the first place. Continue reading →

Is Playing Online Games With the Opposite Sex Flirting?

Is Playing Online Games with The Opposite Sex FlirtingUntil recently I would have answered that question, with a resounding “NO.” But now I’m not so sure. What happened, you ask? Have I gotten frisky with a man over a high scoring game of Candy Crush?

The other day, after scoring 72 points with Q-A-T-S (yes, it’s a word and yes it sounds a bit dirty, but to be frank, I don’t know what it means — Like most words I play.) while playing Words With Friends, I got a chat IM asking me to text a sexy picture of myself. WTF just happened?

Look, I haven’t been hit on in quite some time, but that’s flirting, right? Icky, letchy, uninvited flirting. Couldn’t he have gone with “Nice word”?

Seriously, I have a rule that word games should never make you feel like you need a shower.

Many of us enjoy playing games many of us are addicted to these games. (Click here for a test to see if you’re TRULY addicted) We’re playing them with more than a handful of friends, as well as random Facebook connections we couldn’t pick out of a lineup. So, where’s the harm? They’re just games, right?

Or are they? Continue reading →

Because Chachi Loved Joanie, Not Me and Other Reasons I Made Out With Posters in the 80s

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Reasons We Loved 80s Hearthrobs

Stop leering at me like that … I was 10

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Reasons We Loved 80s Hearthrobs

If only this was a
pillowcase!

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Reasons We Loved 80s Hearthrobs

Yes, 1000
times yes!

Look I got why Joanie loved Chachi, didn’t we all? The better question is, why did Chachi Love Joanie … and not me, not us? I went through much of the early 80s asking myself this very question. Why didn’t the 80s heartthrobs I so desperately wanted, not love me back? Because we never met? Maybe. What did Joanie have that I didn’t have? A frizzy boy-cut? A square but endearing older brother?Boobs?

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why that muscle shirt wearing bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks with the “cool” genes of the Fonze and looks of perfection, wasn’t dating me.

I was sure Scott Baio was just as awesome as Chachi in real life and may have been even better looking, since he seemed to dress more on trend in his 2 page spreads in Tiger Beat. Every one of those posters made it to my wall, where he winked or glared at me in a way that I was pretty certain he wouldn’t do for any other 9 year old girl. (Little did I know, those leering looks he gave me from my walls could have gotten him arrested. Not to mention the kissing we did. I don’t want to brag but Continue reading →

6 Ridiculous As Seen on TV Products That I Kinda Want

6 Ridiculous As Seen On TV Products That I Kinda Need

My 8-year-old daughter is drawn to infomercial products like a fly to the Bug Zapper Racket … like a dog to Bark Off … like a senior citizen to the EZ Eyes Keyboard … like a mom to those Meaningful Beauty products Cindy Crawford will practically bring to your door. In fact, my little princess is convinced her birthday will be a total disaster without a Big Top Cupcake. not gonna lie, I’ve been smitten with some of those infomercial inventions myself.  I own a couple of Snuggies, for instance. What? Everyone in the commercials looks so comfy on their couches while reading books and not feeling fettered by the constraints of a blanket. I’ve bought P90X, and Moon Sand, and Blendy Pens, and even Pillow Pets (before they sold them everywhere from Walmart to Shell stations).

In fact, some of those As Seen on TV products are positively irresistible. Here are a few I find utterly ridiculous and at the same time I think they’d make great gifts: Continue reading →

What Your Dog is Thinking – As Described By My Dog

What your dog is really thinkingThis morning as I was getting ready to take my dog for a walk (which I was guilted into by the pic above), I realized my iPhone needed a few minutes to charge. In those couple moments my dog seemed to go through a whole array of canine emotions from joy, to pacing, to whimpering, to sheer panic.

I truly believe if he could speak it would have gone something like this (insert squiggly lines here):

YES YES YES, Mom’s putting on her sneakers. Oh, joy of joys, we’re going for a walk. This is wonderful news!

Look, she isn’t averting her eyes the way she does when she’s going to leave the house without me. This is awesome, spectacular, stupendous. Continue reading →

Adam Levine Coughed Up A Hairball

Let's Name Our Cat Will FeralIf you’ve been reading me for a while, you know my son is the sentimental sensitive one and my daughter has the snark of Chelsea Handler, the attitude of an 80’s valley girl, and the comic timing of Conan O’Brien.  She would also sell you down the river for tickets to a Katy Perry concert … maybe even a Kit Kat bar.

(It’s funny how kids can be so different from each other and still so clearly like their parents.)

Anyhoo, the other night my witty daughter and I were discussing what we will name our new kitty. (Which we haven’t found yet.) The conversation actually started because Ry was interested in what she should name her daughter when she has one.

Ry: “
Mom should I name my daughter Diamond, Texas, or Sapphire?”

Me: (Well, I guess I’ll be adding a stripper pole to that kid’s layette) You know those are way better names for a kitten?

Ry: Noooo, I was thinking we would name our kitten something cute, like Snowball or maybe Mr. Something.

Me: Ooh, I like that — we could name it after a famous Mister like, Mr. Burns, or Mr. Magoo.

Ry: I was thinking more like Mr. Nubs

Me: Really Mr. nubs? That makes him sound like a creepy cat amputee.  Continue reading →