Tag Archives: Jenny Isenman

5 Brilliant Mommy and Me Type Classes I Wish They Had – Because They’d Be Awesome

mommy and me ecard

When my first child was a baby, I searched for the perfect classes to make him brighter, more socialized, more coordinated, and well … perfect. Plus, I was certain that taking all these classes was a reflection on me being an awesome parent. Unfortunately, most of those hyped up classes kinda sucked. Sucked away my time, my money, and my sanity. (I actually have a list of the 5 Most Ridiculous Classes I Took)

Looking back, I wish I had started my own classes because I’d be a millionaire and moms everywhere would bow to me and kiss my ring or at the very least wash my burp clothes.  If I could invent the perfect classes they would look something like this…

Continue reading →

Enough With The Freakin’ Awards – Should Our Kids Get Trophies For Everything They Do?

Trophies ecard

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 3, my kids received trophies for soccer, which I assure you were not deserved. How do I know? Um, there were times my daughter would stop kicking the ball to chase a dragon fly. And, I could be wrong, but I don’t think my son was bending it like Beckham when he would pick up the ball with his hands and throw it to a friend mid-game.

I know, it wasn’t about them deserving their awards … all the kids get trophies for simply showing up to the ceremony — because that’s what we do to our millennial children, we make them think that they’re the best at everything. We praise them constantly and tell them everyone is a winner, leaving them little motivation, little idea of what the real world is like, and little chance of not freaking out when they realize they aren’t perfect. Continue reading →

Motherhood Feeling: If I’m the Sane One – I Must Be Losing My Mind

motherhood insane

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Do you ever have certain feelings about motherhood, like: Is it supposed to make me this crazy? How am I supposed to be able to think on this little sleep? How come it affects my ability to have a rational thought or conversation … or my ability to shower on a regular basis? Yeah, me too … I usually have those thoughts after conversations like this: Continue reading →

When Moms Are Sick vs. When Dads Are Sick

moms sick vs. dads sick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For four days I’ve been sick.  Nothing crazy — just the usual sore throat, coughing, fatigue kind of thing, maybe a fever … but since not one of our thermometers says the same temperature I can only guesstimate that I’m somewhere between 97.1 and 108.2. 

What’s most amazing is that in those four days, the world miraculously kept spinning. My children’s schedules did not disappear, nor did mine.  They made it to camp, and to baseball, to the orthodontist. They didn’t suffer from starvation because I decided to forgo grocery shopping, or making them breakfast, or packing their lunches; so that I could lie around and do something totally trivial, like recuperate. No, life as we know it, went on.

Last night, I gleefully turned out the lights at around 11PM, Continue reading →

Things Parents Do That Embarrass Us Even Though We’re All Grown Up

sex life mom ecard

At about 13 years old, my mom went from doing everything right to doing everything so very wrong. In fact, everything she did was either “so gay,” “so queer,” or “moooooommmmm, you’re so embarrassing.” (It was the 80s, I’m sure they say different things now.)  Anyway, it didn’t matter if she was singing the wrong words to Billy Jean or she sneezed at too high of a pitch, it was utterly unforgivable. And don’t even get me started on the things she did around my friends. One time, she smacked her lips while eating a bagel and cream cheese at breakfast with my besties after a sleepover!

Do you believe that?

Mortifying!

I’m sure those girls are still talking about her lip smacking to this very day. Frankly, it’s amazing we remained friends after that appalling display. Well, it’s a testament to my friends, that’s for sure.

That phase lasted for about 4 years. (It’s a phase I’m already dreading with my own daughter because well, there is just no winning, for the parent!) That said, my mom and I have managed to be the closest of friends throughout my life, but she’s still my mother, and there are still those moments when she says something that makes me cringe. You know the kind of cringe that makes your whole body pucker? The kind of cringe that makes you wish you could scour what you just heard from your eardrums with a piece of steel wool? That kind of cringe.

YOU PROBABLY LIKE: 20 THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO FOR THEIR BESTIES

Let’s start with when she says the word Continue reading →

Things That Made Guys HOT in The 80s – What Were We Thinking?

It’s funny, I used to be attracted to many different things than I am now (a decade into marriage). Back in the 80s, a mullet might have been enough to get my heart racing (Stop judging, I meant, a nice mullet OK? One that’s all feathery and flippy, not frizzy or straggly.)  Now, simply remembering trash day without a reminder is super hot.

I have to say, I never would’ve anticipated my prerequisites would become so boring, lackluster, cliche, unexciting, sad … (though, when I look back, the attributes I used to find sexy, desirable, and like, so awesome, are somewhat, um, embarrassing.

mullets

Did you not find these things sexy too?

This was Totally Hot in the 80s:

1.  Like I said: A mullet and not just any mullet, one with panache, one with style, one that was well maintained, one with a mind of its own (like its owner). Think, Rob Lowe in St. Elmos Fire, or John Stamos on Full House or … let’s give props to the best mullet of all time … James Spader’s a la Pretty in Pink.

2.  If you could quote movies, you were a stud. I’m serious, anything from “Can you describe the ruckus?” to “I guess I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue” to Continue reading →

40 Things Gen Xers Did Growing Up -That Our Kids Will Never Need to Do

40 Things Gen Xers Did that Our Kids WIll Never Need to Do

Last night, as Ry, my 9yo daughter ran out of the room to grab a blanket she yelled, “Mom, press pause, OK?”

“Um, I would … if we weren’t playing cards.”

Did she really ask me to press pause during a game of UNO?

Kids are so used to being able to can control anything with the push of a button –they can “stop,” and “pause,” and “delete,” and “restart” pretty much anything, including their toothbrushes. It makes playing a game like UNO in this day and age seem pretty archaic.

As a child, I recall hearing Baby Boomers talk about watching black and white television, listening to radio soap operas, or playing 78rpm records … and thinking how totally obsolete those activities are to my generation. As an adult, I realize there were so many things Gen Xers did as a children that my children would currently find beyond antiquated and obsolete or better yet, wouldn’t even understand the need for in the first place.

Here are just a few things my kids will never have to do (some of which I enjoyed very much):

  1. Ignore the B-side
  2. Mail a letter
  3. Use all their fingers to type
  4. Fill an ice tray
  5. Get up to turn the channel (while possibly walking across static causing shag carpets, no less).
  6. Survive with only 4 channels
  7. Blow on a video game cartridge. I still do this with scratched DVDs — it makes my kids laugh.
  8. Write notes in class
  9. Learn to spell
  10. Get information from reference books
  11. Be a part of a family decision in which you decide whether to buy a Beta or VHS player
  12. Write a check
  13. See #11 but sub in Atari and Coleco
vision Continue reading →

Why Having Memory Problems Like Brain Fog and Momnesia Sucks – Reason #342

memory problems, momnesia, brain fog, humor

 

The explanation for memory problems #342 is actually titled: No one is named Chaka Khan. Yes, it may seem obscure, but I bet you’ve come across it once or twice. Well, if you, like me, have disabling brain fog (due to having once birthed a child, meds that don’t agree with your mind, or maybe some kind of Gluten sensitivity). I’m not saying I have a gluten allergy, but it’s super trendy to have one, so I may pick one up for Fall.

So, here is why Reason #341: They Charge a Fee For Forgetting Appointments Even if You’re Going to Talk to a Doctor about Forgetfulness, is no longer the final reason… Continue reading →

45 Insane Things Your Kid Will Say on Your Disney Vacation

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A few years back when my little one was slightly pissed that Belle’s dress was prettier than hers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I marvel at, aside from the throngs of people chomping on those Neanderthal looking turkey legs, is the fact that my kids can find things to cry and complain about almost constantly in the place where dreams come true.

Luckily, mine weren’t the only ones. Sure my daughter may have set some kids off when she screamed Mickey Mouse is DEAD in a crowded room? Oh, that happened as I was explaining to her that Walt Disney (the original Mickey) was dead. Um, my bad, but she did ask.

And yes, my daughter may have shed a tear about getting the “wrong” colored magic carpet, but I watched a toddler flailing on the ground exclaiming his ice cream was too “drippy.” Nothing like watching other people with their children to make you feel sane! That said, here are things your children will probably cry about in the “happiest place on Earth.”

Imagine the following phrases said through dramatic tears, possible foot stomping, and maybe even ground flailing…

  1. I got wet on that water ride!
  2. I didn’t get wet enough on that water ride!
  3. That character is looking at me!
  4. The guy dressed as Nemo doesn’t look real … like he does in the movie!
  5. You took one of my french fries!
  6. Belle’s dress is prettier than mine!
  7. My socks hurt!
  8. My hotdog touched my french fries! Continue reading →

There is No Good Reason to Properly Guess Someone’s Age, Size or Pregnancy Status – EVER!

When a woman, who was not carny folk, guessed my age on the nose, I realized there is NEVER any reason to hit that nail on the head… NEVER.

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Last week, I was getting a lovely facial, as any facial should be. Wait, did I say
lovely, because I meant frightening, and horrifyingly stressful.

There, that’s better.

Sure, the goal of any facial is anti-aging, but this woman looked me right in the pores with one of those magnifying thingamabobs and said, “Let me guess, you’re about 41?”

“Fuck you! You, evil black-head sucking bitch!” I yelled at the top of my lungs as I smushed the Vitamin C Ester Detoxifying Anti-Aging mask, she was applying, into her eyes.

OK fine, I didn’t do that, but I thought about it, I thought about it hard. I believe I said something more cowardly like, “No, I’m actually 40 and a half.” Then I squeezed the tears from running down my face (as she’d have no trouble spotting them with her all seeing glass).

“Yes, I could tell,” she went on smugly, as if I had asked how she knew, “because some of your pores are rather enlarged and I don’t see naso-labial folds this deep in people under 40.”

“Really, because I’ve had those marionette lines since I was a child.” I said defensively in an ‘I’ll Show You,’ kinda way. Though, it probably made me sound like I used to be some creepy Howdy Doody looking kid, instead. Continue reading →

Carbs Are Like That Hot Guy You Loved in The 80s – (carb talk and 80s humor)

OK, without going into too much medical mumbo-jumbo, I’m supposed to have a new healthy diet, which includes cutting out most carbohydrates. Not fruits and veggies, but Starchy Carbs – like pasta, cereal, rice, baked goods, potatoes, and grains (YES, even if they’re made with yummy grains and oats and the gluten that comes with them).  And Sugary Carbs — like desserts, sodas, juices, and sweets.rob lowe 80s

So, I shall explain what I’ve learned about these carbs and why they are so truly “sucky” and unhealthy (unless you do a ton of anaerobic activity), in this little vignette where the carbs are the hot guy from high school/college who you so desperately wanted — who can resist carb talk and 80s humor? (Be Warned: I’m a Gen Xer so my references may be dated). 

It starts like this: First, you see the hot guy (donut, multigrain bagel, bbq potato chip, bowl of whole wheat spaghetti) and you think, Oooooh you’re cute, I totally want you. Your heart beats a bit faster and you do your best to impress. Now, I realize no one needs to impress a donut to eat it, though I will admit there are times I tell the donut how I’ve worked out earlier that day, in hopes that it doesn’t think I’m a gluttonous slob.

Hot Guy is up for a little conversation – you take a bite. (I mean of the donut, not the guy — this is a comparison remember?) Continue reading →

I Hate It When Produce is Right – Why You Should NEVER Talk to Fruit

On my way back from Monday’s trip to Whole Foods (where I almost punched someone in the throat), I was in my car thinking about my highly inflated purchases, and wondering how much of my food’s airfare I had paid for.

My grapes were imported from from Chile, my oranges from South Africa, and my avocados from Argentina.

Then it dawned on me, my fruit is worldlier than I am!  So, I thought we could kill some time (while stuck in traffic) by discussing travel, good hotels, and sightseeing.

How to Deal with Annoying OrangesThe grapes were extremely friendly. Well, they were seedless, so what do you expect? They went on to warn me about their country. Continue reading →