Category Archives: parenting

Carbs Are Like That Hot Guy You Loved in The 80s – (carb talk and 80s humor)

OK, without going into too much medical mumbo-jumbo, I’m supposed to have a new healthy diet, which includes cutting out most carbohydrates. Not fruits and veggies, but Starchy Carbs – like pasta, cereal, rice, baked goods, potatoes, and grains (YES, even if they’re made with yummy grains and oats and the gluten that comes with them).  And Sugary Carbs — like desserts, sodas, juices, and sweets.rob lowe 80s

So, I shall explain what I’ve learned about these carbs and why they are so truly “sucky” and unhealthy (unless you do a ton of anaerobic activity), in this little vignette where the carbs are the hot guy from high school/college who you so desperately wanted — who can resist carb talk and 80s humor? (Be Warned: I’m a Gen Xer so my references may be dated). 

It starts like this: First, you see the hot guy (donut, multigrain bagel, bbq potato chip, bowl of whole wheat spaghetti) and you think, Oooooh you’re cute, I totally want you. Your heart beats a bit faster and you do your best to impress. Now, I realize no one needs to impress a donut to eat it, though I will admit there are times I tell the donut how I’ve worked out earlier that day, in hopes that it doesn’t think I’m a gluttonous slob.

Hot Guy is up for a little conversation – you take a bite. (I mean of the donut, not the guy — this is a comparison remember?) Continue reading →

Happy Fathers Day to my Stubborn Hubby From Your Bitchy Wife

cat couple card

I know, you’re like, bring on the water works.  I mean with a title like that there’s bound to be a sentimental, emotionally charged poem to follow, right?  Well, you’ll have to see, but (Spoiler Alert), probably not .  Not all of us have perfect marriages.  Frankly, most of us don’t and I kinda think that’s OK.  There’s some value in being a sometimes sucky wife –  just ask my hubby…

I’m like many of you – going at the last minute to buy some cheesy cards that cost $5 bucks a pop and do little more than add to deforestation. I avoid the overly-sweet ones with watercolor painting on the front because my marriage isn’t perfect and the sentiments in those cards don’t quite reflect my feelings. So, I go with humor.

In fact, I’ve noticed that my husband and I have this weird tendency to re-buy the same multi-fold-out cards for each other on our respective holidays year after year.

The Father’s day card has a cat couple and it goes something like this: Continue reading →

Celebrity Trainer Kacy Duke Shares Fitness and Skin Secrets with Jenny From the Blog

Kacy Duke, the cofounder of Equinox and trainer to celebs like: Denzel, Bruce Willis, Julianne Moore, Mary J. Blige, Lenny Kravitz and Kirsten Dunst (to name a few), sat down with me via satellite to discuss fitness for Gen Xers and how it effects skin and aging.

I started by confessing that the first thing to go from my day is my workout… (Look, the next thing to go is my shower, so it’s not like my day involves drinking Margs by the pool), which is why I asked how  she motivates busy Gen Xers like myself… and Julianne Moore? (What, like we’re not similar?) What we should do if we only had 15 minutes a day and how exercise can help with anti-aging.

The skincare through fitness tips included  the Simple Sense Skincare Tool – a diagnostic tool that provides personalized stephttp://www.simpleskincare.com/simple-sense/s and advice for mapping out a holistic skincare routine which includes all natural products, fitness, and other healthy lifestyle advice (I did this, it was really cool.)

Then we talked about Denzel and his abs!!! and she invited me to visit her and the Simple Advisory Board, but she meant on-line. Foiled again. 

This post was sponsored, but frankly, I enjoyed asking a famous trainer how to apply her knowledge to real people.

35 Reasons Moms are Late

35 reasons moms are late

I was never an incredibly punctual person, but but becoming a parent has put a whole new spin on my excuses for being late to meetings, school drop off, parties and appointments. As was made apparent in my “20 Momisms Translated” post, we moms have a lot in common… why should this be any different?

Back in the day, I was late because of the normal stuff, you know, my hair didn’t look just right, my alarm clock didn’t go off, there was traffic on 95… Now, between me barely keeping my head on straight and my kids being out of their minds, my excuses look more like this:

Sorry I’m late but …

1. My daughter’s socks hurt, or as she put it, her socks “hate her.”

2. All of a sudden, none of their shoes seemed to have a mate. NONE.

3. I couldn’t find my keys … they were in my pocket.

4. My kids were fighting over who got to sit in which seat.

5. My daughter’s fingernail was itchy.

6. My son decided to wrestle with the dog rather than simply walk out the door, so we had to roll off the fur, but I couldn’t find the lint roller, so I had to fashion one from masking tape and MacGyver it off.

7. Both my children had to make a last-minute poop.

8. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask where babies come from. Continue reading →

I Hate It When Produce is Right – Why You Should NEVER Talk to Fruit

On my way back from Monday’s trip to Whole Foods (where I almost punched someone in the throat), I was in my car thinking about my highly inflated purchases, and wondering how much of my food’s airfare I had paid for.

My grapes were imported from from Chile, my oranges from South Africa, and my avocados from Argentina.

Then it dawned on me, my fruit is worldlier than I am!  So, I thought we could kill some time (while stuck in traffic) by discussing travel, good hotels, and sightseeing.

How to Deal with Annoying OrangesThe grapes were extremely friendly. Well, they were seedless, so what do you expect? They went on to warn me about their country. Continue reading →

Do Not Mess With Me On a Monday or I Will Take You Down

BB - Low Poly - CheckOut - LANES - 01.jpg2602e61a-9c1c-40cb-9c48-849f9ff1bea2Large

On Monday morning you should stay further away from me than that divider bar.

Usually in a checkout line, I know the girl at the register. I know where she is from, what she is doing for the holidays and possibly even her stance on gay marriage. By the time I hit the register at Starbucks, the barista has my coffee sitting on the counter with Jenny from the blog, scribbled on it. I mention this, because I am usually friendly and up for chit chat, witty banter, or a bit of repartee that probably annoys the people behind me in line.

However, as I discovered at Whole Foods on Monday, I have some deep-seated aggression. Apparently, if you are too chipper on a Monday morning, and I am in a rush, I may or may not punch you in the throat (or at the very least, threaten to do so).

All of this started when the jolly man in front of me finished chatting up the patron before him. He then turned to me in a “jovial friend to all” mode and quipped, Continue reading →

I’M OBSESSED With: Elizabeth Arden Ceramides and More

This week in my I’M OBSESSED column we’re talking delish anti-aging products, my new favorite gloss, and the best dry skin barrier cream — all perfect for summer and travel.

Elizabeth_Arden_Logo

A couple weeks back I was approached to try a yummy bag full of Elizabeth Arden products to see what I thought. I usually say no to these requests, unless I LOVE the company and because Elizabeth Arden makes one of my all time favorite anti-aging products: Prevage… I was in.

($159)

And … I’ve got three new obsessions.

1.  Ceramide Capsules Daily Youth Restoring Serum: Continue reading →

Can You Eat a Cat if it Doesn’t Have a Name?

We let our kitty name herself... Meet Qopn!2kWell, we’re going on week 3 and Josie/Clover/Cat face/Mrs. Bigglesworth still doesn’t have a name or should I say she has too many?  How am I ever going to teach her to fetch, and roll over, and play the keyboard, and fold the laundry, and pose for pictures (so that I can make a fortune like ICanHasCheezBurger), if she doesn’t know her name?

What, cats don’t do those things?

Of course they do, you just have to teach them to fold using one of those boards they use at the Gap, also you may have to implant little sticks into their paws so you can control them like marionettes.

And have you not seen Keyboard Cat? She proves to me on a daily basis that anything is possible.

She’s my hero.

Anyhoo, our kitty who will one day be an internet sensation (or at the very least, fold my laundry) has no name. After my kids refused to name her *Clawwdia Schiffer or Justin Bie-purr or Jimmy Talon, or Will Feral or Oprah Winfrey (there’s no play on words there, we just thought it’d be really funny to say, look Oprah Winfrey pooped in the litter box) we were really lost.

We had finally found a boy name we agreed on. That name was Carl.

We all truly got a good laugh out of people coming to the house and having this conversation: Continue reading →

Why Can’t We Revive That 80s Style Adult Swim?

Gen Xers Remember Adult Swim - we hated it... now we wish they had it!

In the past 30 years, many accepted practices have changed. What people considered normal and safe back then — transporting your newborn in the front-seat, having a latchkey kid at age 6, and letting them explore the woods with no parental guidance — is pretty much grounds for arrest these days. But, in that simpler time they call the ’80s, there were some great ideas that I’m thinkin’ we should totally revive — the way Disney Channel stars have brought back overly-sequined attire, off-the-shoulder shirts, and leopard print day-glow leggings!

Thanks, Shake It Up, I can barely look at my daughter without retinal strain!

 

In honor of the passing of Memorial Day, I’d like to start with re-instituting “adult swim” (not the one on Cartoon network).  No, I’m talking about that 15 minute span when anyone who wasn’t shaving yet, had to evacuate the water and allow the older generation to have a civilized dip? AKA the worst part about going to the pool when you were a kid.

Now, as an adult, I realize Continue reading →

Behind the Scenes of My Today Show Debut In Words and Pictures

Notice only me and the Doc are laughing.

So, here’s the back story: I met an awesome Today Show producer at the Mom 2.0 conference a couple weeks ago and we totally hit it off (PS she co-wrote Sh*tty Mom, which you may have heard of, as it was a NY Times bestseller).  Anyhoo, very funny chick and completely D2E (that’s Down to Earth).

I just made that up and I think it’s something a person who is not at all D2E would write, which makes me enjoy the irony in it.

Moving on … Tuesday I got an email from her saying they are looking for a humorist.
“Holy fuck, I know a humorist,” I responded … and my heart started to pound out of my chest (and continued to do so until morning of the shoot).

Within 16 hours I was on a plane. I’m pretty sure I could’ve put a defibrillator to good use, but all they offered me was a bag of peanuts. Continue reading →

Seriously No One Was Going to Warn Me About the Probe?!

Seriously? No one was gonna tell me about the probe portion?

So today, I ended a friendship. A 20 year friendship that started with drinking late nights at on campus bars and toddling half coherent back to a dorm room located somewhere one should be able to walk to — (if only our knees would cooperate). A friendship based on years of learning to be adults (or feigning such) of boyfriends and husbands and children and Bar Mitzvahs. Well, you get the picture.

So why would I let such a deep and meaningful relationship go? Because she didn’t warn me about the an@l probe! Sure, we all say that phrase a lot as in: “I’d bet an an@l probe on it.” Or “A bird in the hand is worth two an@l probes in the… (well you know how that ends)” or the ever popular: “One day if you go to a doctor that I recommend to you for a procedure that I’ve already done and I forget to tell you an an@l probe is involved, you can totally end this friendship, I’ll understand.” You say those things in passing and you never realize that one day you may actually mean them.

Well, today is the day. Continue reading →

5 Reasons NO Therapist is Good Enough AKA Why I Definitely Need Therapy

5 Reasons I Can't Find a Good Therapist - Which are Signs I Need One

Why do I need a therapist?

OK, if you’re a regular reader of this blog chances are I don’t need to answer this question. In fact, you may have written me a lovely and thoughtful note suggesting I seek help in the past (yes, I’ve gotten those). To them I say, “You’re the one who needs help, only a crazy person would suggest that someone they don’t know should seek therapy. Which is why it is clear that YOU are the one who should be seeking therapy.”

Anyhow, I’m in the market for a therapist. Yes, every once in a while I like to sit on some random stranger’s couch and tell them about my childhood, my fears of failure, and my anxiety.

Sadly, most random strangers don’t want to hear that shit, plus they wonder how I got into their home, and why I keep begging them to take notes on what I’m saying. Continue reading →