Category Archives: parenting

Top 5 Reasons Moms Should NOT Take Sex Advice from Magazines

Many women’s magazines have a “Mom” version of a “How To Have Better Sex,” most of which make me feel like I should keep an extinguisher by the bed, along with a bucket of cold water to douse on myself and my partner when we begin to spontaneously combust from sheer passion.  “How to Keep Your Love Life Hot, and Your Sex Life in Flames.”  “10 Ways to Reignite Your Marriage.”  “How To Turn Up the Heat In the Bedroom, Without Singeing the Sheets.”  (Oh, I like that last one)

Seriously, I’d like to disband the sex myths propagated by magazines, and have a little straight talk here? Be warned though, the side effect of discussing such truths could be a shockingly unsatisfying revelation that your unsatisfying sex life is just that… unsatisfying.

Let me break it to you (in case you haven’t figured it out already), sex after kids is often not so hot, or often for that matter. That said, here’s what I think about the most common tips given to moms about sex.

1. Tip From a Writer Who Clearly Has No Children:  Don’t forget to “Set the Mood,” you know, candles, aromatic massage oils, and sexy lingerie. 

Brutal Honesty Response: Are we still taking time to set the mood?  I mean, isn’t that what got us here in the first place?

Listen, if there’s no lingering gas odor in the room and you’re in an old t-shirt without any holes, I say you’re as sexy as you need to get.
Work your dimmer switch and voila… ambiance.  Better yet, utilize the TV as a source of beautiful ambient light. If you can get the volume to an audible level, you can work in sex without giving up The Voice. It’s called multi-tasking, something we moms are all too familiar with.

As for a massage, I’m lucky if I don’t get one of my kids’ leftover Doritos corners embedded in my thigh.  Wait, when I ask my husband to flick it out and slide the remaining crumbs off my tush like sand paper, does that count as a massage? Well, arguably, it’s more like an exfoliation, but it’s undeniably hot.

2. Tip From a Writer Whose Kids are Not Involved in 500 Activities: Continue reading →

Fifty Shades / Christian Grey Ecards – Ecards of the week

The Christian Grey/Fifty Shades Ecards are out! For all my readers who’ve been asking for Ecards, I hope I came through. Just know, I did it because I care.
ENJOY – Jenny From the Blog

Click here for to share the one above

Read on for more Fifty Shades ecards, a hilarious Fifty Shades parody, and a Fifty Shades piece about Cheating with Christian Gray

Continue reading →

I Cheated on My Husband with Christian Grey

Why reading Fifty Shades causes more bickering… and better sex.
“.. He’s kept us company until all hours of the night. He’s been a part of our dreams, our fantasies and ultimately he’s set the standard for our poor hubby’s, unattainably high…”

Last Saturday night, on our weekly date, my husband (who is not the man in the pic on your left) pulled into a parking spot and walked around to my side of the car, (as it was on the way to the restaurant). I sat in my seat, not budging.  He looked at me through the window about a foot from the door and said, “Whatcha’ waiting for, c’mon let’s go.”

Of course, I was waiting for him to open said door, but he actually yelled through it – with exaggerated mime like hand motions instead.  I pulled the handle and exited with a huff.

“Why can’t you be more like Christian Grey?” I said, in the same way my daughter says things like,  “Why can’t you be more like Jessie’s mom?  She keeps ice cream cones in her house,” or “Why can’t we live with Julia’s?  Her family has stairs.”

Yep, after having failed the many Grey tests I’d administered the last couple weeks, much to my hubby’s chagrin, Continue reading →

Too Graphic for National Geographic

Certain things go on in nature that make you want to close your eyes and scream “earmuffs.”  Yet, instead you watch, unblinking, like a sicko.  It’s not your fault… we all do it.  

Susan at 8AM: You have to come see this. It’s horrifying.  It’s like DuckRape.

Me: I just want to make sure we’re clear. You’re asking me to come to your house so that we can watch ducks have sex? Can we not afford good porn?

Susan: You make me sound so cheap.

Me: Well, you want me to drive over to your house to watch something so horrifying you’ve termed it rape?

Susan: Yeah.

Me: Okay.

What? You people think my days are so full of work that I don’t have time to watch ducks get laid?

howard the duck
I thought it would look something like this.

 


ducks mating
But, it looked more like this.

Me: Half hour later, (when we were able to peel our eyes away) HOLY CRAP! Continue reading →

A Thought on New Celebrity Parenting Trends: WTF?

For years I’ve tried to keep up with the celebrity mommas, but maybe it’s time to call it quits. Here are some of the trends celeb parents have started thus far. Yes, I’ve logged them for you.

Let’s go back to the simpler days, when “with child” became the new “in rehab.” Oh, how I enjoyed that shift in trends, I was able to finally stop popping Adderall like Smarties… and start a family.

Next, the paparazzi traded the “crotch shot” for the “baby bump” — another adjustment I was willing to make. I loved being on baby bump watch with Access Hollywood and Us Weekly, even if I was looking at  false alarms of bloated actresses who had just downed some salty Chinese take-out.  Look, anything’s better than staring at LiLo’s firecrotch… again.  Plus, let’s just say my Brazilian waxing bills were through the roof, as I never knew when someone would snap a surprise pic of my undercarriage while I provocatively exited a cab.

Then of course, celebs threw us for a loop by naming their kids things like Continue reading →

20 Indicators that You May be Addicted to Words with Friends

Love Words with Friends? If more than half of these describe YOU,  I’ll see you in WWFAA or we could just play a game, my schedule’s too tight for a twelve step program these days (TWELVE min- 14pts.).

Ok, I’ve played my fair share of Angry Birds, and Fruit Ninja, and Cut the Rope, but there’s something unique about Words with Friends, that has me utterly fixated. (FIXATED minimum 18 points) Maybe it’s the fact that I get to whup other people and feel superior. (WHUP min- 13pts.) I don’t exactly know.  I do know that I’m not alone, 20 million players have downloaded this addictive app. (ADDICTIVE min- 18pts.)

I mean, I’m not an addict – Frankly, I could quit at anytime.  Though, I’m told that’s the first thing an addict says.  Well, right after, “I’m not an addict.” S&*t, I’m screwed.  (SCREWED min- 14pts.)

In an effort to see if I’m truly hooked, I compiled a list of indicators. Feel free to test your level of obsession, as well. (HOOKED min- 13pts.)

1.   You know every two letter word in the WWF dictionary  AA, JO, ZA, KA, QI etc… (QI min 11pts.)

2.   You know every word that can be made with the letters J, Q, X, Z, from AJEE to ZYGOTE… (ZYGOTE min- 19pts.)

3.   You realize it’s sometimes worth it to leave open a triple when you can get a high score on a double-double. (HIGH min- 10pts.)

4.   Number 3. didn’t sound like gibberish to you.  (GIBBERISH min- 17pts.)

5.   You know that to win you need strategy and persistence.  A good vocabulary is near the bottom of the prerequisites.  And you’re ok with that, because you’re a persistent strategist. OK (OK is not a word.  Didn’t see that one coming did you?)

6.   You can only use about 50% of the words you play in an actual sentence. “Gi, your hair smells terrific.” (GI min- 4pts)

7.   You’re willing to try every letter combo in your stack to make a bingo. (BINGO min- 11pts.)

Continue reading →

Sex or Oven Cleaning : The Age Old Dilema

That’s the question I was faced with the other night… and after a decade of marriage, I chose to clean my oven.  (Sadly, that’s not a metaphor.)

Recently, I went to a sex party, which one of my friends was co-hosting.  Upon entering, I was quickly introduced to the “Sexpert.”

“Jenny this is Julie, she is a penis expert.” No joke, that’s how she was introduced.  This made me wonder: why people don’t introduce me as something cooler?

“That’s funny.  I’m somewhat of a penis expert myself,” I said, buffing my nails on my shirt as if cleaning an apple.  Then I blathered something about not being a pro like her, because I didn’t want to jeopardize my amateur status.  You know, for the Olympics?  Jenny what the hell are you talking about?  Did you just mention the Olympics? The Olympics of what – hand-jobs?  Just shut up, already.

Sometimes when I’m uncomfortable I use exaggerated humor to fill conversational gaps.  Did I say use?  I meant abuse, like in the form of an oddly misplaced stand-up routine, which can become painful to watch and often requires more than a two drink minimum.

“Oh, what do you do?” she asked, not knowing what to make of my schtick.  “Are you a urologist or something?”

“No, I’m just a slut.“

Really, Jenny? Did you just say that? What’s the matter with you? 

“I’m not really a slut, I’ve just… Continue reading →

Want to be Married to Christian Grey – It Could be Something Like This…

“…ANASTASIA: Mr Grey, is that a Barbie up my butt? Christian: Oops, wrong playroom… and other things you might hear in Christian Grey’s household after a few years of marriage and a couple of children…” (For any mom who’s read any or all of the series. And I promise, No spoilers!)

Okay, I’m officially on the bandwagon. You moms with all of your oohing and ahhhing, and “Oh, Mr. Grey-ing.” Your running to the nearest Pleasure Chest Sex Emporium, and your, “My laundry and dishes are piling up because I can’t put these books down,” have gotten me to read the Fifty Shades series. 



So, what is it about these books that have moms devouring them like left over fries on their child’s plate?

Well, here’s what I’ve come up with so far: It makes me giggle when someone calls their vagina their “sex.” I find the sound of ripping foil oddly erotic. And Christian has made millions of women across the world, myself included, rethink our marraiges, and wonder why our hubbies can’t be more attentive, loving, obsessed, and well, “Christian-esque.”

So, what’s the deal? Why can’t our hubby’s be more like Christian Grey?

Because like “Twilight’s” Edward Cullen (who the character is based on) – hot young vampires and hot young billionaires that barely work, have erotic sex, lavish you with expensive goodies, and make sure you’re never cold, hungry, or un-swathed in designer duds – don’t exist.

But if they did, would we want them? I wonder what it’d with a Christian Grey-esque man after a few years of marriage and a couple of children?

Hmmm? (Imagine squiggly lines in your mind, to indicate a dream sequence):

CHRISTIAN: Ohh, Mrs. Grey, stop biting that lower lip or I’ll take you here in the breakfast nook!

ANASTASIA: Um, Mr. Grey, it would behoove you to wait until the children are done with their Cheerios. It might be a bit awkward and messy with them around. Plus, you’re starting to creep me out.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, don’t worry about the mess, Mrs. Grey., Ms. Jones will tend to it.

ANASTASIA: Which reminds me, Mr. Grey, please ask Ms. Jones to stop sterilizing the butt plugs with the bottle nipples.

.
CHRISTIAN: Oh Anastasia, Continue reading →

Mathletes are Athletes Too

“I’m gonna count you out!!! When I’m done with you, you’ll be 1/3rd the boy you are today… That’s 33.3%… .33333…  .333 infinity…” and other trash talkin’ you may hear at a Mathletes Meet…

What kid doesn’t like to trash talk – especially boys?  It must be in the genes because I definitely don’t walk around the house saying stuff to my son like: “I’m so much better at brushing my teeth then you are.” (Even though I totally am.)

What? Please, he’s had like 6 cavities and I’ve had 2 and I’m tons older.  My oral hygiene seriously crushes his!

Fine, so maybe it’s not so surprising that they trash talk, but I want to know if it carries over into all facets of life?

My son plays on a travel baseball team and one of his teammates is also a Mathlete.  Yes, I said Mathlete, it’s a word.

So, during a double header, where our team chanted really cool stuff at the mound in unison like, “A meeting, a meeting, there must be cheating.” I turned to that friend and asked if there’s trash talking on the Mathletes playing field – because that would be really funny.

And so me and my favorite “humor catalyst” (See: What Happens When You Scream “Penis” in Front of a Bunch of 9 Year Olds – for an explanation and a full on giggle fit) began to imagine what that trash talk would sound like:

Amy:  Yeah, he totally trash talks. He says stuff like, I’m gonna count you out!!!

Me:  Oh, and, when I’m done with you, you’ll be 1/3rd the boy you are today…. 

That’s 33.3%

.33333

Amy: .333 infinity

Me:  You’ll be a freaking decimal when this is over.

Amy: Continue reading →

Phrases we Could Teach our Kids to Say – to Make us Feel Younger Smarter and Prettier

“…It may be too late to train our hubby’s to dole out the ego boosting compliments, but our children?  Yes, yes (twist handlebar ‘mooostache’ if you have one), we can work with this.  Here’s a list of phrases I’d like to teach my children to say.  Feel free to borrow it – it’ll make you feel good…”

Not my little girl... but still pretty cute.

The other day my daughter said,  “I bet people who just meet us think we’re sisters.”  Frankly, that’s a bet I wouldn’t take, but who am I to sneer in the face of lovely sentiment?  I mean, that’s the kind of phrase you would have to train (or pay) a child of 7 to say, but no, she did it on her own volition.  No, coaxing or prodding, not even in the hopes of getting a new Barbie out of the deal.  Though I think a phrase like that deserves a new iPad – at a bare minimum.

The effect of this simple observation, that my clearly brilliant child made, was utter joy- total narcissistic mirthfulness – and that’s not a phrase I use often, as you can imagine.

This got me thinking:  If this tiny guileless thought could make me feel so great, why can’t we train our children to say things that will make us feel more hip, young, or smart, and less twitchy or stabby?

Truth is, Continue reading →

Productive Things to do While Doing it – The Cure for Boring Married Sex

You might be thinking, “Jenny from the Blog, the Jen X’pert, silly girl – that’s just you. My sex life is as hot and heavy as ever.” Well, to you I ask this, “When was the last time you had sex on a surface that didn’t have sheets?” (Hmmm? been a while huh?) “Ok, when was the last time you had sex not between kids asleep time and you asleep time?” I rest my case – B-O-R-I-N-G… Continue reading →