Candy Tampons – The Power of Bangs – Quick Bytes

Said in a rest stop bathroom in front of one of those machines that has all things useful from Tylenol to wine openers…

8yo Daugher: “Mom, why do they sell candy in the bathroom?”

Me: “That’s not candy, it’s a tampon”

8yo: “What’s a tampon?”

Me: (I always said, if my kids asked a question I would do my best to answer honestly.) “It’s when insert uncomfortable conversation here how blood flows from your body … once a month etc. ”

8yo: (After cringing and informing me that she may rethink being a girl because girls “get all the sucky stuff like boobies and blood that comes out when you don’t even have a cut,” she noticed a row of rainbow colored condoms in clear packaging,) “what’s that purple balloon thing?”

Me: “Candy, now let’s go.”

(To hell with honesty!) Continue reading →

Do You Suffer From Theme Park Line Dementia?

No matter how much you try to fancy it up (notice top hat ears) you still look like the guy on the right.

Me and about 200,000 other people had this brilliant idea to spend Spring Break at Walt Disney World. Sure, we could’ve done something more relaxing — like sky diving, but we chose this destination because we like lines. Love lines. Love the way that by simply roping off lines into a maze like snake shape so one could walk nearly a mile without ever leaving a room.

OK, lines make me insane, I can truly only half pay attention to anyone as I’m busily trying to assess how fast we’re moving and how much time we have left. While standing in the first line of the day, my daughter asked who played Mickey Mouse. “I don’t know. I guess Walt Disney was the first Mickey, but not anymore, he’s dead.” Maybe I should’ve thought out my response because my daughter’s reaction was to scream, O M G, MICKEY MOUSE IS DEAD??!! There are no rules in Disney about what you can and cannot say, but I’m gonna guess if there were that would literally top the chart. Holy crap. I’ve never seen so many chipper little happy faces fall into frowns and tears so quickly, as moms struggled to do damage control while intermittently giving me the stink eye.

Sadly, it went down hill from there. I began to suffer what I call “line dementia,” that’s when crazy shit comes out of your mouth simply to fill time and to mess with your children for your personal amusement — it’s somewhat of a survival tactic. Continue reading →

April Fools Suckas – I Got You Good

warningsuckers In honor of April fools I want to say something to you insolent chumps! For years I’ve been writing this blog, biding my time for this very moment: APRIL FOOLS!!!

Yes, all these years you’ve come here looking for my observations on the ironies of life … oh, I’ll give you irony. I’ve completely duped you into thinking I’m just like you — a parent who can’t remember where I left my keys, nay, my kids … a quasi desperate housewife who may or may not make eyes at the pool guy, who can’t stand the way her husband leaves dishes by the sink, and who has ridiculous conversations with people while their nipples are showing (that happened more than once, hence the plurals). Continue reading →

Date Night Before Kids vs Date Night After

Many many things change after becoming a parent: Your outlook on life, your obsession with the application of sanitizer and sunblock, the intimacy of your marriage…

We still adore our men but our alone time has little resemblance to the hot dates we once had. Wow, did we take those nights for granted!

Want proof? Behold: Date Night Before Kids vs Date Night After

Before – Your nights out were dependent on no one else. You never waited around the house to see if someone would show up to watch your plants, your pets, or your furniture while you were gone.

After – Cancellation is always a strong possibility. It remains that way until the moment the actual babysitter arrives (even then it may be iffy). At the very least you are never guaranteed to finish anything you start: dinner, a movie, a show … (Don’t check your coat.)

Before – You had time to put together the perfect outfit, blow out your hair and apply a glaze of pristine makeup, which you really didn’t need in the first place. Continue reading →

Is Playing Online Games With the Opposite Sex Flirting?

Is Playing Online Games with The Opposite Sex Flirting Until recently I would have answered that question, with a resounding “NO.” But now I’m not so sure. What happened, you ask? Have I gotten frisky with a man over a high scoring game of Candy Crush?

The other day, after scoring 72 points with Q-A-T-S (yes, it’s a word and yes it sounds a bit dirty, but to be frank, I don’t know what it means — Like most words I play.) while playing Words With Friends, I got a chat IM asking me to text a sexy picture of myself. WTF just happened?

Look, I haven’t been hit on in quite some time, but that’s flirting, right? Icky, letchy, uninvited flirting. Couldn’t he have gone with “Nice word”?

Seriously, I have a rule that word games should never make you feel like you need a shower.

Many of us enjoy playing games many of us are addicted to these games. (Click here for a test to see if you’re TRULY addicted) We’re playing them with more than a handful of friends, as well as random Facebook connections we couldn’t pick out of a lineup. So, where’s the harm? They’re just games, right?

Or are they? Continue reading →

Because Chachi Loved Joanie, Not Me and Other Reasons I Made Out With Posters in the 80s

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Reasons We Loved 80s Hearthrobs

Stop leering at me like that … I was 10

If only this was a
pillowcase!

Yes, 1000
times yes!

Look I got why Joanie loved Chachi, didn’t we all? The better question is, why did Chachi Love Joanie … and not me, not us? I went through much of the early 80s asking myself this very question. Why didn’t the 80s heartthrobs I so desperately wanted, not love me back? Because we never met? Maybe. What did Joanie have that I didn’t have? A frizzy boy-cut? A square but endearing older brother?Boobs?

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why that muscle shirt wearing bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks with the “cool” genes of the Fonze and looks of perfection, wasn’t dating me.

I was sure Scott Baio was just as awesome as Chachi in real life and may have been even better looking, since he seemed to dress more on trend in his 2 page spreads in Tiger Beat. Every one of those posters made it to my wall, where he winked or glared at me in a way that I was pretty certain he wouldn’t do for any other 9 year old girl. (Little did I know, those leering looks he gave me from my walls could have gotten him arrested. Not to mention the kissing we did. I don’t want to brag but Continue reading →

6 Ridiculous As Seen on TV Products That I Kinda Want

6 Ridiculous As Seen On TV Products That I Kinda Need

My 8-year-old daughter is drawn to infomercial products like a fly to the Bug Zapper Racket … like a dog to Bark Off … like a senior citizen to the EZ Eyes Keyboard … like a mom to those Meaningful Beauty products Cindy Crawford will practically bring to your door. In fact, my little princess is convinced her birthday will be a total disaster without a Big Top Cupcake. not gonna lie, I’ve been smitten with some of those infomercial inventions myself. I own a couple of Snuggies, for instance. What? Everyone in the commercials looks so comfy on their couches while reading books and not feeling fettered by the constraints of a blanket. I’ve bought P90X, and Moon Sand, and Blendy Pens, and even Pillow Pets (before they sold them everywhere from Walmart to Shell stations).

In fact, some of those As Seen on TV products are positively irresistible. Here are a few I find utterly ridiculous and at the same time I think they’d make great gifts: Continue reading →

An Open Letter to Sinkholes – WTF?

This is an actual sinkhole in Guatemala (Holy Crap)

Last week, I wrote this sarcastic commentary about all the common things THEY say could kill you because I’m one of those people who feels a couple neurotic thoughts short of building myself a bubble. I try to heed as many warnings and be conscientious. And then a guy gets sucked out of his bedroom by a sinkhole and my worrying process got thrown on its head!

Dear Sinkholes –

Really? Really? Swallowing people from their bedrooms as they do Sudoku? That seems even beneath you and you’re pretty low. I’m already trying to deal with all my concerns from the BPA in bottles to the over use of hand sanitizers and then you come along and Continue reading →

What Your Dog is Thinking – As Described By My Dog

What your dog is really thinking This morning as I was getting ready to take my dog for a walk (which I was guilted into by the pic above), I realized my iPhone needed a few minutes to charge. In those couple moments my dog seemed to go through a whole array of canine emotions from joy, to pacing, to whimpering, to sheer panic.

I truly believe if he could speak it would have gone something like this (insert squiggly lines here):

YES YES YES, Mom’s putting on her sneakers. Oh, joy of joys, we’re going for a walk. This is wonderful news!

Look, she isn’t averting her eyes the way she does when she’s going to leave the house without me. This is awesome, spectacular, stupendous. Continue reading →

Adam Levine Coughed Up A Hairball

If you’ve been reading me for a while, you know my son is the sentimental sensitive one and my daughter has the snark of Chelsea Handler, the attitude of an 80’s valley girl, and the comic timing of Conan O’Brien. She would also sell you down the river for tickets to a Katy Perry concert … maybe even a Kit Kat bar.

(It’s funny how kids can be so different from each other and still so clearly like their parents.)

Anyhoo, the other night my witty daughter and I were discussing what we will name our new kitty. (Which we haven’t found yet.) The conversation actually started because Ry was interested in what she should name her daughter when she has one.

Ry: “ Mom should I name my daughter Diamond, Texas, or Sapphire?”

Me: (Well, I guess I’ll be adding a stripper pole to that kid’s layette) You know those are way better names for a kitten?

Ry: Noooo, I was thinking we would name our kitten something cute, like Snowball or maybe Mr. Something.

Me: Ooh, I like that — we could name it after a famous Mister like, Mr. Burns, or Mr. Magoo.

Ry: I was thinking more like Mr. Nubs

Me: Really Mr. nubs? That makes him sound like a creepy cat amputee. Continue reading →

Just Bleep it Out Children – The Things Moms Do For Love – Quick Bytes

These are a Quick Bytes, like a Wordless Wednesday, but with words … and no picture. So really, nothing like that … maybe more like tapas?

JUST BLEEP IT OUT CHILDREN

This was my convo in the car last night and it just reiterates that I’m constantly outsmarted by my children and also that sometimes I’m too lazy/tired/worn-down to care.

8yo Daughter: Mom, can you buy Thrift Shop for your iPhone, it’s the new Gangnam Style.

Me: Is it?

8yo: Well, it is for the older kids. The kids in my class still think Gangnam Style is the new Gangnam Style, but they all have YOUNGER sisters and brothers, so they don’t really know.

Me: Not like you who has an older brother to teach you what’s up?

8yo: Yep. Oh and don’t get the clean version, I’ll just say “bleep” through the f’words. It ruins the song when they just go silent during the bad words don’t you think?

Me: (I actually do) Um, well Continue reading →

Schtupping Brad Pitt is Interfering With My Productivity

The old “I’m having too much sex with Brad Pitt to get anything done” excuse. Haven’t we all heard that one — one too many times?

PW – Parental Warning: If you are my parents, please refrain from reading!

The other day I was telling my Mother in Law about my latest dreams in which I’m working out. Sure, it could be the fact that I’m obsessed with The Biggest Loser, or that my new favorite pastime is finding new cellulite dimples, but whatever the reason working out is on the brain and these dreams are totally annoying. I’m waking up exhausted and I have nothing to show for it (other than sweaty sheets). Listen, I dread workouts in my waking world, so why would I want to waste those enjoyable “sex with Brad Pitt hours” at the “sleep” gym? Continue reading →

The Suburban Jungle

Jenny from the Blog is like comedy crack, but more addictive and less wack.