Tag Archives: Jenny from the blog

Things Parents Do That Embarrass Us Even Though We’re All Grown Up

sex life mom ecard

At about 13 years old, my mom went from doing everything right to doing everything so very wrong. In fact, everything she did was either “so gay,” “so queer,” or “moooooommmmm, you’re so embarrassing.” (It was the 80s, I’m sure they say different things now.)  Anyway, it didn’t matter if she was singing the wrong words to Billy Jean or she sneezed at too high of a pitch, it was utterly unforgivable. And don’t even get me started on the things she did around my friends. One time, she smacked her lips while eating a bagel and cream cheese at breakfast with my besties after a sleepover!

Do you believe that?

Mortifying!

I’m sure those girls are still talking about her lip smacking to this very day. Frankly, it’s amazing we remained friends after that appalling display. Well, it’s a testament to my friends, that’s for sure.

That phase lasted for about 4 years. (It’s a phase I’m already dreading with my own daughter because well, there is just no winning, for the parent!) That said, my mom and I have managed to be the closest of friends throughout my life, but she’s still my mother, and there are still those moments when she says something that makes me cringe. You know the kind of cringe that makes your whole body pucker? The kind of cringe that makes you wish you could scour what you just heard from your eardrums with a piece of steel wool? That kind of cringe.

YOU PROBABLY LIKE: 20 THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO FOR THEIR BESTIES

Let’s start with when she says the word Continue reading →

Things That Made Guys HOT in The 80s – What Were We Thinking?

It’s funny, I used to be attracted to many different things than I am now (a decade into marriage). Back in the 80s, a mullet might have been enough to get my heart racing (Stop judging, I meant, a nice mullet OK? One that’s all feathery and flippy, not frizzy or straggly.)  Now, simply remembering trash day without a reminder is super hot.

I have to say, I never would’ve anticipated my prerequisites would become so boring, lackluster, cliche, unexciting, sad … (though, when I look back, the attributes I used to find sexy, desirable, and like, so awesome, are somewhat, um, embarrassing.

mullets

Did you not find these things sexy too?

This was Totally Hot in the 80s:

1.  Like I said: A mullet and not just any mullet, one with panache, one with style, one that was well maintained, one with a mind of its own (like its owner). Think, Rob Lowe in St. Elmos Fire, or John Stamos on Full House or … let’s give props to the best mullet of all time … James Spader’s a la Pretty in Pink.

2.  If you could quote movies, you were a stud. I’m serious, anything from “Can you describe the ruckus?” to “I guess I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue” to Continue reading →

40 Things Gen Xers Did Growing Up -That Our Kids Will Never Need to Do

40 Things Gen Xers Did that Our Kids WIll Never Need to Do

Last night, as Ry, my 9yo daughter ran out of the room to grab a blanket she yelled, “Mom, press pause, OK?”

“Um, I would … if we weren’t playing cards.”

Did she really ask me to press pause during a game of UNO?

Kids are so used to being able to can control anything with the push of a button –they can “stop,” and “pause,” and “delete,” and “restart” pretty much anything, including their toothbrushes. It makes playing a game like UNO in this day and age seem pretty archaic.

As a child, I recall hearing Baby Boomers talk about watching black and white television, listening to radio soap operas, or playing 78rpm records … and thinking how totally obsolete those activities are to my generation. As an adult, I realize there were so many things Gen Xers did as a children that my children would currently find beyond antiquated and obsolete or better yet, wouldn’t even understand the need for in the first place.

Here are just a few things my kids will never have to do (some of which I enjoyed very much):

  1. Ignore the B-side
  2. Mail a letter
  3. Use all their fingers to type
  4. Fill an ice tray
  5. Get up to turn the channel (while possibly walking across static causing shag carpets, no less).
  6. Survive with only 4 channels
  7. Blow on a video game cartridge. I still do this with scratched DVDs — it makes my kids laugh.
  8. Write notes in class
  9. Learn to spell
  10. Get information from reference books
  11. Be a part of a family decision in which you decide whether to buy a Beta or VHS player
  12. Write a check
  13. See #11 but sub in Atari and Coleco
vision Continue reading →

15 Tools Moms Need For Survival AKA The Swiss Mommy Knife

swiss mommy knife

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently, on a road trip to Disney, I was rummaging through the contents of the arm rest compartment for some tissues when I realized the old maxi pad, that had somehow gotten stuck to the inside, would have to be peeled off to sub in for some Kleenex.  Plus it had wings, which would make for easy clean-up.

I looked at my mother and said, “We need to invent some kind of portable tool that has all the necessary mommy accoutrements to tackle any parenting task.”

Because we had been on the road a while and we were slap-happy and also listening to a Bratz movie… for the fourth time, we made a list of all the things said contraption would need.

So here are the results of our brainstorming session. I give you … the Swiss Mommy Knife:

1.  An extra arm – I can be walking with a phone to my ear, a latte, a purse, a laundry basket, and groceries resting on my hip … and one of my kids will still attempt to hand me an empty juice box. Clearly two arms just aren’t enough.

2. A sibling separator – No matter how much they need to be apart, they somehow magnetize back to each other and continue to argue slap, and tease. This device should be something with a little bite — like a bug zapper or a taser.

3.   An elevator backer-offer – I’m thinking some kind of stick-like poker that lets people know your kids will get to push the stupid buttons on the elevator.  Regardless of their age, that is somehow the most important thing they get to do all day … well, unless there’s an escalator around somewhere. Continue reading →

Why Having Memory Problems Like Brain Fog and Momnesia Sucks – Reason #342

memory problems, momnesia, brain fog, humor

 

The explanation for memory problems #342 is actually titled: No one is named Chaka Khan. Yes, it may seem obscure, but I bet you’ve come across it once or twice. Well, if you, like me, have disabling brain fog (due to having once birthed a child, meds that don’t agree with your mind, or maybe some kind of Gluten sensitivity). I’m not saying I have a gluten allergy, but it’s super trendy to have one, so I may pick one up for Fall.

So, here is why Reason #341: They Charge a Fee For Forgetting Appointments Even if You’re Going to Talk to a Doctor about Forgetfulness, is no longer the final reason… Continue reading →

There is No Good Reason to Properly Guess Someone’s Age, Size or Pregnancy Status – EVER!

When a woman, who was not carny folk, guessed my age on the nose, I realized there is NEVER any reason to hit that nail on the head… NEVER.

the_jerk_1979_weight_guessing2

Last week, I was getting a lovely facial, as any facial should be. Wait, did I say
lovely, because I meant frightening, and horrifyingly stressful.

There, that’s better.

Sure, the goal of any facial is anti-aging, but this woman looked me right in the pores with one of those magnifying thingamabobs and said, “Let me guess, you’re about 41?”

“Fuck you! You, evil black-head sucking bitch!” I yelled at the top of my lungs as I smushed the Vitamin C Ester Detoxifying Anti-Aging mask, she was applying, into her eyes.

OK fine, I didn’t do that, but I thought about it, I thought about it hard. I believe I said something more cowardly like, “No, I’m actually 40 and a half.” Then I squeezed the tears from running down my face (as she’d have no trouble spotting them with her all seeing glass).

“Yes, I could tell,” she went on smugly, as if I had asked how she knew, “because some of your pores are rather enlarged and I don’t see naso-labial folds this deep in people under 40.”

“Really, because I’ve had those marionette lines since I was a child.” I said defensively in an ‘I’ll Show You,’ kinda way. Though, it probably made me sound like I used to be some creepy Howdy Doody looking kid, instead. Continue reading →

Carbs Are Like That Hot Guy You Loved in The 80s – (carb talk and 80s humor)

OK, without going into too much medical mumbo-jumbo, I’m supposed to have a new healthy diet, which includes cutting out most carbohydrates. Not fruits and veggies, but Starchy Carbs – like pasta, cereal, rice, baked goods, potatoes, and grains (YES, even if they’re made with yummy grains and oats and the gluten that comes with them).  And Sugary Carbs — like desserts, sodas, juices, and sweets.rob lowe 80s

So, I shall explain what I’ve learned about these carbs and why they are so truly “sucky” and unhealthy (unless you do a ton of anaerobic activity), in this little vignette where the carbs are the hot guy from high school/college who you so desperately wanted — who can resist carb talk and 80s humor? (Be Warned: I’m a Gen Xer so my references may be dated). 

It starts like this: First, you see the hot guy (donut, multigrain bagel, bbq potato chip, bowl of whole wheat spaghetti) and you think, Oooooh you’re cute, I totally want you. Your heart beats a bit faster and you do your best to impress. Now, I realize no one needs to impress a donut to eat it, though I will admit there are times I tell the donut how I’ve worked out earlier that day, in hopes that it doesn’t think I’m a gluttonous slob.

Hot Guy is up for a little conversation – you take a bite. (I mean of the donut, not the guy — this is a comparison remember?) Continue reading →

Celebrity Trainer Kacy Duke Shares Fitness and Skin Secrets with Jenny From the Blog

Kacy Duke, the cofounder of Equinox and trainer to celebs like: Denzel, Bruce Willis, Julianne Moore, Mary J. Blige, Lenny Kravitz and Kirsten Dunst (to name a few), sat down with me via satellite to discuss fitness for Gen Xers and how it effects skin and aging.

I started by confessing that the first thing to go from my day is my workout… (Look, the next thing to go is my shower, so it’s not like my day involves drinking Margs by the pool), which is why I asked how  she motivates busy Gen Xers like myself… and Julianne Moore? (What, like we’re not similar?) What we should do if we only had 15 minutes a day and how exercise can help with anti-aging.

The skincare through fitness tips included  the Simple Sense Skincare Tool – a diagnostic tool that provides personalized stephttp://www.simpleskincare.com/simple-sense/s and advice for mapping out a holistic skincare routine which includes all natural products, fitness, and other healthy lifestyle advice (I did this, it was really cool.)

Then we talked about Denzel and his abs!!! and she invited me to visit her and the Simple Advisory Board, but she meant on-line. Foiled again. 

This post was sponsored, but frankly, I enjoyed asking a famous trainer how to apply her knowledge to real people.

35 Reasons Moms are Late

35 reasons moms are late

I was never an incredibly punctual person, but but becoming a parent has put a whole new spin on my excuses for being late to meetings, school drop off, parties and appointments. As was made apparent in my “20 Momisms Translated” post, we moms have a lot in common… why should this be any different?

Back in the day, I was late because of the normal stuff, you know, my hair didn’t look just right, my alarm clock didn’t go off, there was traffic on 95… Now, between me barely keeping my head on straight and my kids being out of their minds, my excuses look more like this:

Sorry I’m late but …

1. My daughter’s socks hurt, or as she put it, her socks “hate her.”

2. All of a sudden, none of their shoes seemed to have a mate. NONE.

3. I couldn’t find my keys … they were in my pocket.

4. My kids were fighting over who got to sit in which seat.

5. My daughter’s fingernail was itchy.

6. My son decided to wrestle with the dog rather than simply walk out the door, so we had to roll off the fur, but I couldn’t find the lint roller, so I had to fashion one from masking tape and MacGyver it off.

7. Both my children had to make a last-minute poop.

8. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask where babies come from. Continue reading →

I Hate It When Produce is Right – Why You Should NEVER Talk to Fruit

On my way back from Monday’s trip to Whole Foods (where I almost punched someone in the throat), I was in my car thinking about my highly inflated purchases, and wondering how much of my food’s airfare I had paid for.

My grapes were imported from from Chile, my oranges from South Africa, and my avocados from Argentina.

Then it dawned on me, my fruit is worldlier than I am!  So, I thought we could kill some time (while stuck in traffic) by discussing travel, good hotels, and sightseeing.

How to Deal with Annoying OrangesThe grapes were extremely friendly. Well, they were seedless, so what do you expect? They went on to warn me about their country. Continue reading →

I’M OBSESSED With: Elizabeth Arden Ceramides and More

This week in my I’M OBSESSED column we’re talking delish anti-aging products, my new favorite gloss, and the best dry skin barrier cream — all perfect for summer and travel.

Elizabeth_Arden_Logo

A couple weeks back I was approached to try a yummy bag full of Elizabeth Arden products to see what I thought. I usually say no to these requests, unless I LOVE the company and because Elizabeth Arden makes one of my all time favorite anti-aging products: Prevage… I was in.

($159)

And … I’ve got three new obsessions.

1.  Ceramide Capsules Daily Youth Restoring Serum: Continue reading →

Can You Eat a Cat if it Doesn’t Have a Name?

We let our kitty name herself... Meet Qopn!2kWell, we’re going on week 3 and Josie/Clover/Cat face/Mrs. Bigglesworth still doesn’t have a name or should I say she has too many?  How am I ever going to teach her to fetch, and roll over, and play the keyboard, and fold the laundry, and pose for pictures (so that I can make a fortune like ICanHasCheezBurger), if she doesn’t know her name?

What, cats don’t do those things?

Of course they do, you just have to teach them to fold using one of those boards they use at the Gap, also you may have to implant little sticks into their paws so you can control them like marionettes.

And have you not seen Keyboard Cat? She proves to me on a daily basis that anything is possible.

She’s my hero.

Anyhoo, our kitty who will one day be an internet sensation (or at the very least, fold my laundry) has no name. After my kids refused to name her *Clawwdia Schiffer or Justin Bie-purr or Jimmy Talon, or Will Feral or Oprah Winfrey (there’s no play on words there, we just thought it’d be really funny to say, look Oprah Winfrey pooped in the litter box) we were really lost.

We had finally found a boy name we agreed on. That name was Carl.

We all truly got a good laugh out of people coming to the house and having this conversation: Continue reading →